angry, depressed, emotional wreck
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| Sat, 06-16-2007 - 2:23pm |
So I've been reading the messages on this board for a month or so hoping they would help me in my own breakup, and I've tried the "no contact" thing, I've tried distracting myself with other things, I've tried being honest with myself about what the relationship really was. And I've had moments, even days, when everything was okay, but then it all hits me like a ton of bricks and I'm devastated again.
My story is that my boyfriend, who I was with for more than two and a half years, and lived with for almost two years, broke up with me three months ago in a very dramatic part of my life. I was two weeks into student teaching, so I had almost no personal income. We'd agreed before I started that he would support me as much as possible, and then, in the future, if he wanted to go back to school, I would do the same for him. Well instead, he asked for a break and asked me to move out (it was his father's condo). I didn't have a place to stay before I could find a new apartment, so I ended up continuing to live with him for several weeks before moving out. In that time, we both began dating other people. I guess I did it out of hurt and loneliness.
But when I realized he was dating someone, I became extremely upset, especially because he seemed to be flaunting it to me - leaving two wine glasses (that he'd given me for Christmas) sitting out with two plates from the dinner he cooked for her while I was gone for the night; leaving an open box of condoms in the medicine cabinet; even downloading pictures of her artwork onto the computer desktop that we were sharing. I don't mean to be a hypocrite, as I was dating too, but I tried to keep it pretty well hidden so he wouldn't be hurt. I still can't understand why he would do these little things that hurt so much, especially since he's the one who wanted to end things in the first place.
I finally took the first apartment I could find, with financial help from my parents, and had him help me move out. It was a painful experience. After living there a couple of weeks, he helped me move the rest of my stuff, but again, I felt like he was being so disrespectful to me. He even took a call from the new girl he's seeing, while I was there, after I had just finished crying. I just don't get why someone who was everything to me -my family - for such a long time would have such disregard for my feelings.
To add to it, a couple of weeks ago, he asked me to watch his cat for a week while he was out of town. So I did, because I missed the cat. When he got back, he called me to say he needed to pick up the cat, but really he just wanted to talk to me. So, stupid me. I was flattered and told him to come over for an hour or so until I had to go to work. Once there, he proceeded to complain about how hard his life was and then brought up his new relationship and how he's having problems with her. Of course, I blew up at him for thinking it's appropriate to talk to me about that. I really think he was just using me because he was feeling lonely and confused, with absolutely no interest in how I was doing. That led me to recall many, many past incidents in which he'd done the same thing, really sparking my anger towards him.
So now, ever since he showed up that day, I've been a wreck. I desperately want some sort of closure, and while I know that I have to give it to myself, I don't know how when I'm feeling so angry with him all the time. I go over and over things in my head and it's distracting me from getting anything else done. I replay events and desperately try to understand what happened - how I could have been fooled into thinking he was the love of my life, or even a decent guy, for such a long time even though the signs were there from the beginning that he was not emotionally stable. I even feel like he was an emotionally abusive and manipulative person, but it doesn't prevent me from feeling so incredibly sad for losing him. He could also be a kind, supportive person. I have a solid memory of thousands of things that we did together and I don't get how he can replace me and our whole history with another relationship - after just three months! It really makes me feel tiny and insignificant to think that I could be dropped so easily.
And the worst part is that I know his e-mail password - I know it's horrible to check his e-mail and I tell myself over and over that it's not healthy. But, every time I have a weak moment, I find myself logging on as him. It's just so easy, it's like I lose control of myself for a couple of minutes, and then always feel crappy afterwards. That's how I figured out the name of the girl he's been seeing and found out that he made up with her and they're back together. I've even googled her name, which did absolutely nothing except make me feel like a crazy. obsessed stalker. I don't want to be that person - I'm better than that - but I don't know how to stop.
I really do not want to get back together with him, and I do think I deserve better, but I can't stand the thought of not seeing him again, not wrapping it up somehow. But, while I think I'm capable of being mature and even forming some sort of friendly relationship with him, I don't think he is. I think he would just continually hurt me again and again. So how do I stop these weak moments when I just want to call him or write him or something. Last week, I even considered demanding him to meet with me to answer my questions, and I still regularly contemplate demanding answers from him, like if he could just explain himself to me, I'd feel better. But then, I don't know if I could believe any explanation he gave me anyway.
OK, this became really long. I've talked to friends and family about some of this, but I haven't just let it all out at once. I guess, for anyone who actually got through this, any words of advice or support would be appreciated. I'm feeling at such a loss right now, especially since I'm dealing with all this while trying to start a new career, getting used to a new, strange neighborhood and hanging out with new people - not to mention that my dreams of marriage and family in the near future have been shattered. It's so much change at once, it sometimes makes me feel so lonely and lost. Please tell me there's some sort of light at the end of this tunnel.~ Stephanie
Edited 6/16/2007 2:42 pm ET by solush80

Yes, there is--but I'm afraid that it's not going to happen unless and until you stop checking his email, because that's a form of contact that is keeping you hooked in. It won't be until you are having NO contact at all with him (direct or indirect) that you'll be able to start the healing process.
I have been in a similar position--I snooped and found a dating site username and password for someone I was involved with (supposedly exclusively, but it turned out he was cheating on me), and I would log in as him to see what emails he was exchanging with other women even after I broke up with him. I probably did that for a month or so before I realized that doing so was keeping me stuck. It was hard but by committing to friends and to my therapist that I wouldn't log on to the site for X days at a time, I was able to break the habit (but it took a while--I would go a week, then log on, then maybe make it 10 days, then backslide to 3 days, etc).
And having been there done that with demanding an explanation/answers, I can tell you it doesn't help. The answers won't satisfy you, even if you can trust him to tell you the truth (I've found that a lot of times, the answer they give is "I don't know" which is VERY frustrating!).
So...first things first: work on breaking the habit of checking his email. Call your closest friend/family member (someone whose good opinion you cherish) and make a firm commitment that you won't check his email for at least the rest of the weekend. Then see if you can go a couple days beyond that. Keep recommitting for as long as it takes.
Once you're able to do that, the healing can start.
Sheri
Welcome to the board solush80,
I agree that checking the email is a form of 'contact' and it's not doing you any good.
I agree with writing letters as therapy. I am a total advocate for writing UNSENT (stress: DO NOT SEND) letters after a bad break-up. Everytime I heard from him and especially the times I didn't hear from him, I'd write him a letter. It helps to process your thoughts and in the event you do confront him, you know what it is you need to say.
Let the pain run through you if it comes. If you want to cry, cry. Let it all out. Then, pick yourself up and ask yourself, "What do I have in my life to look forward to?" There's always something. Even if it's as simple as, re-doing your apartment. Focus on that.
And lastly, stop checking his emails. That's the biggest thing that's keeping you from moving on. You have to let go of the obsession. It doesn't help your situation at all. Ok, so you know they're back together again. Or you know he's moved on to another girl. How does that help YOU? It doesn't. It just makes it worse for you. And if you can, just avoid contact with him altogether. You don't need him in your life right now. And he can't get used to you being there for him to take advantage of. You deserve better.
Good luck with the healing process. Sometimes it's as simple as making yourself take that next breath. The next thing you know, you're breathing easier. If that makes any sense. :)
Hi Stephanie,
I have been doing the same thing with my ex - we shared a cell phone so I'd constantly log on even if I could see the calls - to just see how much he was talking and how much he was texting. . . it drove me crazy. Even if you don't want to - you make assumptions. You have to just stop checking the e-mail - I know it sounds impossible but do it one day at a time. . . It's been over a week since I've checked the phone bill and now if I think about it I feel like I'm taking steps back so I don't. I think it's just that hump you have to get past - it will be a hard couple of days but then you start to think about it less.
As for wanting closure through answers - I promise you'll never hear anything that makes the whole ordeal OK. I got dragged along by my ex for months - saying maybe he wanted to work on things/maybe not. In the end the answer I got a couple weeks ago was - I don't think I love you enough . . . I guess I never saw that one coming and it didn't give me any closure it just made me more insecure. Almost like - I was better off never having to hear that.
I don't know why he's throwing this new relationship in your face - maybe he's looking for a reaction. All I can tell you is the grass is always green and they "honeymoon" phase will wear off.
Hi solush,
I so know what you are going through. I recently, less than 2 months ago, broke up with my partner, who I'd lived with for 2 years. He turned out to be not the person I thought he was, lying and being controlling and basically is an unstable person. However, despite that, there are days I really miss him. But I've realized that the person I miss is the person I thought he was, the person I fell in love with. I think sometimes we fall in love with this person's potential, and when they don't turn out to be who we thought, we are left with all these emotions, the worst being the feeling of being used and our love wasted on someone who really didn't deserve it.
Surround yourself with friends, read good positive self help books --Who's Pulling Your Strings-- has really helped me. And allow yourself to have those days where you feel crappy. But ultimately it comes down to taking control of it ourselves and not doing the things that remind us of how he hurt us -- checking email, etc. Those things are within our power. And we waste a lot of energy doing those things.
Take care, good luck, and remember, you deserve more.
Stephanie