Angry, sad and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Angry, sad and confused
8
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 4:40pm
I've been in with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years it hasn't been easy. He's someone I have known sense I was 18 years old and still to this day never would of thought to have a relationship with him. He just wasn't my type and now at 46 years old the same age we ended up together. The relationships been tough because were're so much alike, but we love each other and we make each other laugh. His father died alittle over 2 years ago and when I found out I came to see him and ever sense then I've been with him. He has allot of issues and he also still crys about his dad. He has to take care of his mom and hasn't really had much control of his own life, but beside that he just is so depressed and unhappy. For the longest time he tells me that he isn't relationship material and that he has been cheated on so he has trust issue I mean he has so many issue that it affects out relationship. He use to tell me he loved me all the time, now he doesn't at all, he sa I should know that he does, that he never expressed it in his family, but that it didn't mean they didn't love each other. I guess I thought I can be there for him and try to make him happy but I can't. He asked for space and I flipped out because space to me mean I want to break-up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 1:21am

Hmm...well tough love it is then.

This is not directed towards you personally (so don't take it as such) but in general I cannot understand when people see a problem, want to fix the problem, but instead they don't do anything but weep about it. In the history of mankind, never has weeping solved anything. Mostly, putting on the coveralls and getting down and dirty is what fixes problems.

Now your case. This man has issues. You know it. He's NOT DEALING WITH THEM and there's nothing you can do for him. YES! he's depressed and losing a parent is hard (I'm not belittling his loss), but he's doing some serious overkill here. It sounds to me like he doesn't WANT to get over it - he's content to let his life run itself while he boohoos in a corner. NOt all people deal with death the same way, but if he was serious about getting over things, he'd probably have clued in that he is in need of some professional help and seek it to deal with his issues. Instead he's citing all this bygone stuff as an excuse for his behavior.

Secondly, space does not necessarily mean break up. Re-read that until you get it. There's good space (like now where you seem like you're smothering him with your anxiety) and bad space (where they drop you to 'back up plan' status). Look at it this way. When my sister and I lived together (we'd moved away from home for university), her SO at the time had decided to remain in our home town. Because of long distance, my sister slowly started drifting away and he could see it. Then the phone calls started. Once every 10 minutes from 4 pm til 1 am in the morning for 5 months. I wanted to TEAR MY HAIR OUT. The guy was so desperate.

Anyways, my point is you are driving this man crazy with your insecurities and desperation. Trying to get him to validate your self-worth is an exercise in pointlessness. He's never going to be able to do that.

Take some time apart. Let him deal with is issues while you put some serious work into your self-esteem and I guarantee that if you two get back together, you'll be in a better place in your relationship.

cheers,
Susanna




Edited 9/14/2007 1:48 pm ET by unicornssong
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 12:19pm

Thank you very much for what you said, I know that you're right about everything it's finding the strength to give him the space. I just can't help but think that no amount of space will make him better. He did everything with his dad, I feel that his father had control of his life to the point that now his father's gone and he doesn't know what to do, any decisions made were mad by his father and now he's left to make his own way. I've spent 4 year alone after a really bad breakup and I promised myself that I would never feel that pain again, but I was wrong. Why do I find myself with men that are emotionally unavailable, I mean it's not that I want to fix them I'm not any better then they are. There is something that I forgot to mention, I have a son who is 24 years old that treats me with no respect and my boyfriend hates that he lives with me a treats me the way that he does and If I can't find the strength to let him go I won't have him or anyone else in my life. Thank you for listening

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 12:24pm
"This is directed towards you personally..."
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 12:42pm

Welcome to the board crbnina,


Everything you feel is normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 1:47pm
I do have issues of my own, abandonment issues and it never fails when someone leaves I always feel it's my fault. I hate myself sometime because I wish that I was a stronger person. If there was one thing in this life that I would ask GOD for it would be to have strength. He doesn't
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 1:59pm

Hi again,


Have you seen Evan Almighty yet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 2:23pm

No I haven't seen that one yet, thank you for talking with me, and if you don't mind maybe we can talk again. It's nice to know that there is someone there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 09-14-2007 - 2:30pm
Any time.