Another chance? Or another heartache?
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| Fri, 11-26-2004 - 8:00pm |
Sorry it’s a little long…. But a year IS a long time.
At first things were great between me & my b/f, he was loving and caring and was giving me all the attention I needed. Then things started to get very bumpy. He started reproaching me not being able to cut loose from my H, that he felt like I was not over him yet. He also started to get upset because I wasn’t letting him into my life; didn’t introduce him to my parents when they came visit (they live abroad); didn’t introduce him to my friends; wouldn’t let him spend time with me & my kids; etc. He did come over 3 times in the year we had been together (as a friend) and the kids loved him and sometime ask when he is going to come visit again. He did introduce me to a couple of friends but that was it, his family is in St Louis and he is always the one to visit.
I have been separated from my husband for 2 years now and he is still not my X because he won’t let go and accept the divorce. He is always finding one more thing to drag it out and that didn’t help with my b/f. Before the separation I had been sleeping with my daughter or on the sofa for 3 years and will not be home when I knew hubby would be which hurt my kids (12, 9 & 7 now) because they felt abandoned.
As months went by my b/f started to put more and more space between us, making less and less time for me. He stopped calling every day like he used to, he started getting busy on weekends and wouldn’t have time for me, etc. I broke up with him so many times because of that but always got back with him. I love him very very much; he is my 2nd relationship after I separated in case you wondered. I also have to mention that I never enjoyed sex before with anyone else (not even hubby), he made me discover that sex can be pleasurable and now I understand what the fuss is all about :-}.
I believe he still loves me but cannot be with me the way I need him to be. I don’t need him in my life 24/7, I manage very well on my own with a good income, a nice house, 3 adorable kids that finally got their mom back and do very well in school. The only problem I have is that I need to find new friends because the one I had did not approve of my b/f because he is black, so I realized they shouldn’t be in my life if it bothered them. What I need from my b/f is a real relationship where we see each other and do things together. I cannot devote all my free time to him because I have a lot of other things to do when I don’t have the kids but I used to always arrange my schedule to see him. He told me 2 weeks ago that he needed is week ends to himself and didn’t think it was fair for him to have to give up his only free time just because I don’t have time during the week.
I broke up with him one more time and I’m trying to stick to it and apply the NC rule but it’s so hard. I keep crying, I listen to his voice mails over and over; I fight with myself to NOT contact him. I’ve been able to hold on for 2 weeks now. We work in the same company, not in the same building or area, but I can see him just “walking around” when it’s time for my coffee break or when he knows it’s my lunchtime. But he didn’t try to contact me as I asked him to. He IM me for my birthday and I thanked him and blocked him after he tried getting into a discussion about how he misses me. He called my house that same day but I didn’t pick up, he left a message saying that he was calling just to check if I was OK.
I miss him so much and it hurts so much that I’m thinking that may be I should give him one more chance. I know he cares a lot about me and I do believe he loves me as he said so many times but he cannot give me the love and affection I need. May be because of my situation or may be for other reasons, I don’t know.
All I know is that I need help keeping up with the NC rule unless may be I should give him yet another chance AFTER my divorce is finally done and over with. But if I do so should I stick to the NC rule or keep in touch as a friend? I’m hurting so much and my kids don’t understand why mom had been so sad lately.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Thanks.
Marie

Thanks for your support, I do need it right now. Just reading other posts is very helpful.
For my divorce, hopefully it will be final in 2 weeks, the court date is set and so far no new "issues" to resolve had been brought up. I keep my fingers crossed since I don't know if he will argue in court. I will definitely wait until it is final before getting into any new relationship. I had filed about 2 years ago and really want it other with so that I can fully move on.
Unfortunately I had a relapse and left bf a voice mail yesterday. Hopefully he is not going to react to it. He told me a few days ago that his daughter was visiting, I don't know what possessed me last night but I called and left a voice mail asking if they would come over for dinner. I believe and hope he is going to let that one go because if he doesn't I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.
As for getting into a new relationship if it's not with him, I know it will be a while before I do since I can't get him out of my head. Everything I do or see reminds me of him one way or the other, I don't know how long it's going to be before it stops and I stop staring at my phone hoping he will call. What I'm wondering is what are the chances that any relationship will work for me under the "rules" I've established for myself. I have no intention to introduce anyone to my parents until we are ready to get married because I don't want the same scenario as last time where my mom would push me to get things "final" as soon as possible, I don't want to make that mistake again. I won't introduce anyone as my bf to my kids either until I'm sure this relationship is going to be for the long run and it would take a long time before I get to this point. Am I going to run into the same issues because of that? To be honest I have no intention to get married any time soon no matter what, I don't want to rush anything. I guess I'm wondering because if my "rules" will most likely prevent anything serious to evolve, that's fine, I guess I just would like to get a feel for it and may be don't start anything that have the potential to get somewhere, that is after I get other my bf and that alone is going to take a while.
Marie
Thank you for the insight. I believe you hit the nail right on the head. When he realized how much "work" it actually is to be involved with me, he totally checked out. I mean not me specifically but everything else I have to deal with and will not "forget about" for him, he let go and withdrew from the relationship. And yes, I do make a lot of excuses for him; always finding a reason why acting the way he does is “just because …” and “if this and that things would be different”.
He did try here and there to pretend like he actually was there for me but it never lasted, definitely not something I would go for one more time. I forgot to mention that what pushed me to file for divorce, even though it was against my beliefs, was that my soon to be X-husband quit his job because he didn't like it anymore with no other job to get to and with no consideration that there was 3 kids at home, a mortgage and a car loan to pay.
I think I may want to find out why I have a tendency to get involve with men that are just not mature enough to be responsible and accountable for their actions and need to be taken care off. It would feel good to be with someone that will take care of me for a change.
I have to admit that I got very very upset with my b/f yesterday because he sent me an e-mail talking about a trip we took together last year at Thanksgiving, saying what a great memory it was and so on. First I got really hurt that he would refer to this trip as a memory and then I got really mad because he was e-mailing me like nothing was wrong and we were best friends on earth, his usual MO. I e-mailed back a few nasty comments (I know I shouldn’t have but I was so upset) and a reminder that since he could not be in a real relationship with me I wanted nothing to do with him anymore and that I would appreciate if he would stay at his desk unless he truly needed to go somewhere in my building. And right after I hit the send button I started crying of course and couldn’t stop until late into the night because I did remember how great this trip was and how much I was missing him. Tough to explain why you’re crying, at work and at home, when no one knows about the whole thing. It was very akward, I'm not a very good liar.
I know it will go away and I’m better off but it’s so hard to accept. I don’t believe I’ll ear from him again since I know I hit his weak spots in my response (not very nice but I had to protect myself). I believe that from now on I just have to control myself better and don’t contact him. I think I’m going to print your response and read it back when I feel like I’m going weak and may do something stupid as a reminder to why the relationship ended and why it should stay this way.
Thanks again.
Marie