Another element

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Another element
13
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 5:32pm

Every time I turn around something reminds me of him....every little thing.

We always watched the show *House* together on Tuesday nights. When we broke up before I couldn't even watch it again. But this time, I will watch it no matter how much I think of him. It's the only show I enjoy on tv. Eventually, hopefully, it won't remind me of him anymore.

My route to work had to be changed last time because it was also the way to his house.

Music, I won't be able to listen to music for a long time. Even though we didn't listen to it together much, it's too emotional for me.

There are tons of little subtle things that remind me of him, too....it's just so hard.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 5:52pm

Hi Kerstynclare,
I feel your pain 100 PERCENT. My ex and I have been broken up for a month and a half, and whenever a certain song or band comes on the car radio, I practically cause a car accident trying to reach down and change the station as soon as I can to avoid the prickling of tears. I can't watch certain tv shows because we watched them together, had private jokes about them, etc.
Everything reminds me of him, and it's like hell. I am still in the process of moving on.

But its wonderful that you have decided to watch the show, NO MATTER WHAT. Yay!

Eventually the songs, shows, etc. won't affect me anymore, but it will take time.

Know that other people are going through the exact same thing, and it's not crazy or irrational. Just knowing this has helped me. I hope it helps you too. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 11:12pm

Try to stay strong. Try to only spend a 1/2 hour a day thinking about your ex. The rest of the time stay busy. Go for walks, join a club, hang out with friends or family. You are not going to be over him overnight but don't let it consume you.

I wanted to tell you to read the article that was posted by dancer83. OMG! it was so enlightening, I had to print it because I am going to refer back to it everytime I get really upset or I think I want to contact my ex. I think you will gain much from reading it. Incidentally, I know what you mean about the reminders. I bought a house 1 mile from where my ex's house is. I drive past him at least three times a week. I can leave the house at different times to different things and BOOM we drive right past each other. He always waves and I hate waving back because it implies that I am okay with everything and I am happy, but I hate not to wave because I don't want to look like I am mad. Which is what he accused me of while we were dating...always being mad. I too drive the exact same route to work and it makes it so much harder to get over someone when you are seeing them all the time.

Hang in there...you can do this just like the rest of us here are going to do it, because we don't have a choice. Remember that we take a chance everytime we get into a relationship, it can only go one of two ways we could either get hurt or be happy. So in some ways we made choices to embark in a relationship and we will make that choice again because we are creatures that derive pleasure from being loved.

Don't be so hard on yourself...I understand the music thing. I love music, I listen to it in the car at high decibals and it makes me happy but I can tell you I have barely listened to the radio since my ex and I broke up. I would rather not run the risk of some song coming on that ruins a day that was turning out to be half way decent. Don't listen to music. Now I find that there are days when I want to listen to music and I feel strong enough no matter what sad song comes on. Some songs are actually empowering but the odds that you will hear one during a very down time is unlikely. Inevitably when we feel the worst all the radio has to play is sad love songs.

java

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 11:25pm

Gosh.. I am the same way

Everything in the world reminds me of my ex, I just posted a comment under "Still mending" that said that.. I hate the radio. I hate tv shoes. Even certain food & drinks make me sad... I know it'll get easier with time..

I agree, def read the article that someone posted.. I too printed it out because it made me feel a little better.

Hang in there, we'll get through this sooner or later.. It's just nice knowing there are other people out there (unfortunately) understanding how hard this all is..

best of luck & if you ever need anyone to talk to, please feel free to contact me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 3:04pm
The hardest part for me has been that he is very mean to me now. You go from a loving type relationship to someone who is unrecognizable, like a monster. I would fully expect this type of treatment if I had done something really bad to him (cheated, etc) but that is not the case. I just need to apply the nc rule and try to get over the pain. Honestly, I can say that I am doing so much better then I was a month ago. The logic part of me keeps saying "why in the hell would you want someone after all of this, after the way they have treated you?" If a friend treated me that way I wouldn't want anything to do with them but for some reason when it comes to love and rejection we react completely differently. I stand back and think this guy has really turned into a jerk, he is not who he was when I was with him and that should be enough for me to pick myself up and wash my hands of him. The fact that he may already being seeing someone else has hurt me even more. I knew there were a lot things I was going to have to contend with having a broken heart but I just didn't think he was the type of person to move on so quickly. We had always talked about it and that was just not how he operates.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 8:08pm
I know.. I'm in the same situation.. One minute, things were seriously fine.. we had our fights, but nothing major and the night before we broke up we had made plans for the weekend, said I love you and the next day we talked before I went to class.. then later that night I got a text message that said "I think we are about over" I called him and we fought, he was screaming at me like he had never done before.. Now any time we talk he's a huge jerk & just yells and screams - he was never like that when we were together.. But sadly, I think if the chance came about - I would take him back. I still love him so much.. I am pretty sure he's seeing someone else already which you're right, makes it hurt so much more.. how can they move on, while we sit here and cry & read articles on how to get over their lameasses. *sigh* Whoever said life wasn't fair - nailed it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 9:16pm

Wow your situation is so much like mine. My ex starts getting mad and upset and he turns it all on me. I could be sitting on the other end of the phone totally calm and he will be yelling on the other end and somehow manage to make it my fault or that I started it. Then in his mind he justifies why we aren't together to beging with.

I have to be honest since you were honest, I would take my ex back to. I mean that is what this is all about...my phone calls, my emails, etc. I'm not sending them out to make myself feel better, I am doing it to keep my memory fresh in his mind. It is crazy that we can't have more pride in ourselves and more self esteem, because really if someone is going to treat us that way we shouldn't want anything to do with them. I think part of it is holding on to who that person was but we have to remind ourselves that they are not that person anymore. I don't know about you but I don't recognize my ex. He has done a complete 180! He isn't who I fell in love with so I keep asking myself why in the hell would I want him back. I know a lot of it is rejection. As human beings we don't deal well with it and we tend to lose our self esteem because of it. I try to tell myself "it is not me losing him, but HIM losing ME!" I know I made my mistakes, I know I am not perfect but I also know that I am good person who tries to live by morals and values. That has to count for something. I can only hope that he falls for someone and they give him the same treatment he is giving me. I know that sounds bad and it really isn't nice but there is no reason why he has to be so mean to me and sometimes I think people need a taste of their own medicine before they figure out what they are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 11:05pm
Ladies, I painfully understand exactly where each of you is coming from and although I hate for anyone to go through what I'm going through right now, I am so happy to see that it is not an isolated situation. Things in my relationship weren't perfect by any means, but I loved him so much, and I guess I figured if I just loved harder, things would get better. WRONG! and now he doesn't even want to talk to me; like I did something wrong. I can see if I cheated, or something like that...but I didn't. I just loved him, and I guess the repayment I get for that is him acting like a total ass. And the sad part is that on some level I still want to be with him. I don't know why women love so hard. What is it about us that allows us to let down all of our guards and love someone we know is not right for us? And what is it about men that allow them to just pick up and move on like nothing happened? I think one thing that I learned from this, and I hope is helpful to someone else is that you shouldn't have to lose yourself in a relationship. I forgot for a while how much I loved myself. Its like I loved him and he loved him, so who was there to love me? Ladies, never forget your value. If you have a man that doesn't value you, end it early. The longer we let this go on, the harder it will be in the end; the more excuses we will make for him and how even though he doesn't always show us, he loves us. There is nothing harder than realizing that the man you love doesn't feel the same about you. Even though it hurts, you don't need him to love you. When we remember to love ourselves, we realize that its his loss. He needs to love us as much, if not more, than we love ourselves. Lets not continue to accept less than we deserve ladies. Good luck and happy healing :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 6:00am

qesuoia....excellent post. Two people loving one and no one loving the other.....very true.

I think it may benefit you from reading "Women Who Love Too Much"...I read it quite awhile ago and need to read it again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 1:34pm
good for you for taking control of your life and watching that show. i know exactly how you feel, as i'm sure most, if not all of us on here do. i remember being exactly where you are right now. my break up was a bit over a year ago(we were together for 4, lived for 2), and when we both moved out of our apt...i moved down the street..really, the next intersection(what was i thinking!lol), so you can imagine the torture i put myself through. EVERYTHING was a reminder of "us", the grocery store, drug store, restaurants, the park, you get the picture. to go almost anywhere(if i had to take the hwy)i had to pass by our old apt and i cried everytime...and like one of the other posters said...i too, almost caused so many car crashes because i'd be trying to look up at our actual apt and wonder who was living there now. and this was just my surroundings, but i couldn't go to the movies because that's what we always did, i couldn't go fishing because we always took weekend fishing trips, i couldn't even look at my roller blades because we always went roller blading together, couldn't watch football anymore(we used to make such a big event out of football sundays). every year we always took 1 week trips to the cottage with my family and our friends...well this past summer no one wanted to go because we couldn't bare to go without him. i actually tried to run away from this, but you can't really when everything reminds you of that person, so i finally after a loooooooooooong time decided i had to face it. there were times where i wished i could get amnesia so i could forget him and us and it would be so much easier and painless..but then i realised that i didn't want to forget him or us because we shared many many amazing moments together and for the most part we had a good thing, and i didn't want to forget any of that. and my goal was to one day get to that point where i can remember him/us and instead of crying and feeling soooooo much pain, i would be able to smile. i'm not fully healed/there yet, and i know i have a looooong way to go, but i have made progress just in the last few weeks with lots of prayers and looking at myself and dealing with my issues around the break up...and i can say that i have gone to the movies again(by myself at times), i have started watching football again(by myself), i have moved from that apt that was down the street from where we lived before. not actually for the reason of getting away, but it has helped), i have driven by that area many times and i'm not causing as much accidents anymore! i can also say that there have been times recently where ofcourse i'm still reminded of him, but i actually have smiled(not all the time, but there have been a few occasions). slowly but surely, i'm getting there, and i know you will too. trust me if i could do it, anyone can. i've never experienced that much pain in my life before. just thinking about it makes me cry because it was such a dark/scarey/lonely place. i would have never imagined that the sun would actually shine through, but it has...just a little, but that's better than nothing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 2:03pm
I am in a similar situation, my boyfriend of 9 months starting acting cold toward me about 2 months ago, the signs were there, i just didnt want to see them, that he was cheating on and lying to me, and one point I point blank asked him what happened to us, to him saying I love you and want to marry you, his response: "It was a heat of the moment thing, I am not ready to settle down yet" at that point I should have been outta there, but I guess I set out to prove that I was the one and made a complete ass of myself trying, doing everything for him, cooking, cleaning, insinuating myself into every part of his life, including his love for racing cars (which I hate) and just doing things I wouldnt normally do or want to do just to please him, him of course not doing anything I wanted to do or that interested me and if I ever asked him it was, go do it yourself and I'll go do my thing, but I was so afraid to leave him alone or for him to think bad of me that I would just say no, we'll do what you want to do. I have no female friends at this point, just a sister who knows exactly whats going on since she has 2 cheating ex husbands! But needless to say, we lived together and now we dont and its hard waking up in the morning being alone and that after a few days of our breakup he was with someone else, even though I knew he was cheating, its hard to deal with, and the horrible part is we work together, i love my job and the people I work with and have no intention of leaving, so now I dont know how to move on having to look at him 5 days a week, i feel so lost and not sure how to find myself again

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