Another kick to my Ego! Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Another kick to my Ego! Help!
23
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 7:36pm

Just when I thought I had it all figured out...guess who calls????

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 8:05pm
You know what I thought when I read your message? Not that you'd been kicked in the gut, but that you dodged a bullet. Be grateful this loser is gone before he can waste any more of your time. I hope you're feeling better soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 8:14pm
How did you leave things with him on the phone? I hope you said that you couldn't be friends now because you need to move on. It's just my opinion, but I don't think either one of you can handle it right now. Do what you have to to avoid futher contact. Juts my thoughts...and I have your best interest in mind! :)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 9:32pm

I pretty much hung up on him, just said I gotta go...First off after talking to him Im not ready to be friends, and secondly his "bone" he threw me was probably the worst thing he could do. He sure didnt make any points, be actually had me shocked, then hurt, then mad, then repulsed...


Im sorry I know people do this FWB and Im a grown woman, but first off in my opinion you cant be that when you have feelings for someone like I have for him...Ill never move on, Ill always hope for more and in 5 years when Im 52 Im gonna wake up and wonder what Ive been doing???


I can see a relationship like that can maybe be simple for divorced people raising kids, but I have hopes for more.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 9:36pm

Hi, Sue. Man, I know you've been working hard on maintaining NC, so this had to be tough for you.

Right now he thinks he wants fwb and you want something more stable and committed. It is tempting (and very human) to get caught up in the "why" of who thinks what, and even to grasp at parts of a broken relationship that felt good (like great sex), even though we can't be fulfilled by the piece when the whole is broken. Thank goodness you know this doesn't work, and your wisdom is keeping the two of you out of bed! What a mess you'd both be in if you didn't have that strength and knowledge!

My #1 advice is to avoid talking with him at all costs. If he calls on the house line again, be firm, be downright hellbent, about NC. Tell him you want to move on, and that means no contact of any kind. Then hang up. Don't get caught up in ANY conversation. I don't see that it is possible for conversation of any kind with him to lead to anything positive for you right now.

Remember he can't help you. You can't help him. He can't operate your way. You can't operate his. Nor should either of you. He's obviously in some crisis and desperately needs to play this drama out. You can chose to be a part of his drama and spiral with him or to step your body completely out of it.

You've been learning so much these last few weeks. You can get through this! I believe in you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Wed, 10-24-2007 - 9:49pm

You posted since I wrote my reply.

"I pretty much hung up on him, just said I gotta go"

Good job!

"Im sorry I know people do this FWB and Im a grown woman, but first off in my opinion you cant be that when you have feelings for someone like I have for him..."

I agree completely.

"I have hopes for more. May not find it, but Im not settling for that with him either.."

Good for you!

"But honestly the more I think about it, its him, he cant seem to be faithful to any woman, Ive learned that about his past. He also admitted to me that hes basically seeing hes got a committment issue, and this is typical behavior of a phob..."

So he's laid it out for you. This is WHO HE IS. Does it work for you right now? Is this something you are willing to tolerate? I am hearing no.

"He's probably not looking to hurt me or insult me, its his way of keeping the door open, being in close enough to see where Im at and what Im doing while he's busy running away."

I think you are spot-on there. You are a great lady. He obviously was attracted to you. He mentioned the great sex. It's very human to try to keep a partial connection open (even though that doesn't work!) even as he knows he has to run right now. He has to do his drama in a way that means this relationship is a goner. But he tries to keep you hanging on. Very human.

"I honestly believe in his own weird way he cares about me, I saw the tears the day we left each other, hes been depressed sounding when we talk, and I beleive hes missed me too...after 2 and half years with someone in your life, its normal....so Im trying to look at it differently"

I'd be surprised if he didn't.

"but I also know I cant go there with him....I have to move on and live my life."

And you have learned so much about how to do that...NC, reading self-help books, reaching out to folks going through something similar. You are doing it. You are putting yourself on track for a life that feels good, and a future relationship that is fulfilling!

You are rockin', Sue. You are doing it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 12:41am

I can't believe anyone would say that. "btw, our sex was great, so if you want to cheat on your new love..."

Just to echo, good job. People who love you, will want to become better for you. Which in his case, he'd get himself into therapy and fix that screw up his ex did on him..not mope around about how he can't commit.

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 6:00am

Oh how true! It all comes back to the same thing with him....selfish!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 6:17am

Claudia,


Yes this was tough on me considering the the NC, but I know his pattern and I knew soon or later something would happen.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 6:24am

Thanks for the encouragement! I agree with everything your saying about him....and you know what I realized "I am doing it".....I think I finally reached a point I never got to before, because in the past Id have fallen for all this with him and I certainly wouldnt feel this strong... I used to think he was in control and Ive learned thats not true....I AM...


I can sit here and wallow away hoping for things to change, break nc every week, see him on his terms OR I can keep working toward freedom and a new life....Well in the past Ive leaned towards seeing him on his terms but not this time. Im actually heading towards freedom.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Thu, 10-25-2007 - 7:07am

"I think so he can keep me somewhat under his reins for the future if thats what he wants when it gets here... MAKE SENSE?"

YES!!! And I think that is a very human thing to do. Sucks for you, though! How are you going to respond?

By your next post, it sounds like you are going to respond by taking care of yourself and taking the necessary steps to let go, move on and find a relationship the feels good to you.

Good job!!! I'm so proud of you, Sue! You're breaking your part of the relationship pattern! You're growing!

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