another one bites the dust

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
another one bites the dust
3
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 11:06pm

I "unofficially" broke up with him through a text (i know bad) on Saturday, but i gave him the option of talking about it...

That was Saturday and I guess he decided he didn't want to work things out.

I just feel jaded i guess.

He had 5 gf's before me. I always get bits and pieces about them from him. One night he casually said "oh yeah, this is the parking lot where I broke up with #1... we must have broken up at least 5 times"

It makes me sad that he didn't even want to try to make it work with me - not to even have a "second" try....

I mean, I made up my mind and realized we weren't compatible. He's a good guy but after 5 months, I realized i wasnt getting the things i wanted.

The sad part is that he didn't do anything about it. I mean, not even to call me to officially end it or to even say "goodbye" or maybe want to be friends with me (he said he was friends with his ex's) so it hurts he didn't offer that to me.

What was it about me that made him say "nope, i dont want anything to do with her"? Even though with all his past relationships, he offered them "second chances" or "to be friends".

It just makes me wonder that's all because wouldn't have broken up with me anytime soon, he was happy with the relationship - so i really don't even know why he wouldn't have made some type of effort to reconcile or something.

maybe he needs more time to figure out what to do....

Too bad I already figured out what I wanted, and it isn't him anymore. - especially since he left me hanging for 4 days now! hahaha

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 1:26am

Hi and welcome,

I can hear you're upset, but I guess you've left me a little confused as to what about: Did you or did you not want this breakup? Because in one breath you say this is defintiely what you wanted, and in another you're upset he didn't fight for this to work it out.

Maybe he was so insulted by the text breakup (I know I would be) that he figured you showed some colors he didn't like or care for. Personally, i wouldn't want to be friends with someone who would do that to me. Maybe consider this from his side, and how would you feel if someone had done that to you?

If your breakup with him was actually a cry for help, a rattling of the cage in order to get him to perk up and work on a few things, maybe it would be good for you to learn now to speak up for what you want, to talk things through with understanding in order to work through issues in your relationship. Threatening a breakup is not the way to get what you want.

Take a lesson from this not to make your relationship a bargaining chip like that. Breaking up should be the absolute final option, not the first, second or even third move.

Take some time to collect yourself, treat yourself well, and don't treat the relationships you're in with disdain; since they're yours, they're pretty special.

Best,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 12:47pm

you wrote:

NOTHING is ever definite. I had been upset for the whole week, we had talked a few times in between but he wasn't doing anything about it. I know he's a good guy and I give everyone the benefit of the doubt (a downfall sometimes) so if he was willing to offer a compromise or something to let me know that, yes, he DID care enough about me, then I was willing to listen and try...

you wrote:

I know it was bad form - but i was upset for a whole week crying my eyes out, it was affecting my life and he basically just said "sorry" and continued on with his busy life never offering me any compromises or even telling me that he did care for me and we can make it. There was no time in his "busy" life and I was tired of trying to talk about it on the phone because he wasn't listening, and i knew he was too busy to even bother to rearrange his schedule to see me to talk about things and he doesn't like email.. so the only option i had to express how i was feeling, was, unfortunately, texting - since we text all the time, it wasn't something just random and the text wasn't nasty or unemotional - it was full of sadness, of hurtfulness and emotion from me. If he chooses to be mad at me for texting him then he should consider how i feel when he chose to ignore me for a whole week when i was having problems and worrying about our relationship - he should'nt be insulted by my text and be mad at me when he wasn't even trying to help the situation.

you wrote:

That was what the problem was.. i WAS speaking up for what I wanted and I talked to him many times but he wasn't listening or trying. I wasn't threatening a breakup - i was serious about it and if he was serious about keeping me, then he would have done something about it.

you wrote:

It was MY final option, it didn't have to be his - like i said, i am always willing to compromise, maybe there was something i was missing that he just needed to show me or something.. final is never final until both parties make it so.

Just because it makes me sad that he didn't do anything about it and call me, doesn't mean I was hoping he'd "change his ways" and we'd be together... it just means that I care about him and it hurts that he didn't even bother with me anymore - we didn't have to get back together, but i thought he would have at least called to say "goodbye" or something.

I know we aren't compatible in my eyes, but i thought he would have a different view that i wasn't taking into consideration, that i was missing, and we could work on it if he wanted to ... but it just hurts that he chose to do kick me to the curb like i meant nothing to him.

you wrote:

I never treat my relationships with disdain - and that's why I get so upset. I just wanted him to be there for me in a time of need, when I was contemplating leaving, when he should have been there for me to work things out... but he wasn't, so I had to make the hard decision to end it - and now i realize, it doesn't matter to him either way, he didn't even want to talk about it.

He's a good guy and I would have liked to have him as a friend, we just weren't compatible on a romantic level. There should be no hard feelings between us and now I feel that there is and it just hurts because I don't want there to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 12:55pm

Hi arbylee7,


I too am confused by your post.