Another year gone by...
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| Sun, 03-11-2007 - 5:39pm |
I am past the four year mark of my break-up with "The One" - the one that got away, that is...
Four years?? How can it be? It seems just like yesterday when she told me that she didn't want to be with me anymore. Ever since then, I've been trying to convince myself that she really didn't mean it and that it was all a horrible mistake.
I'm still waiting/hoping for that call or that e-mail or that chance meeting somewhere where I can really say what's been on my mind after all this time. There was some brief contact within those first few months after we split where she was trying to reestablish contact/communication but I stood firm and rebuffed her attempts to get back in my good graces. I even started a rebound relationship which really did the trick at ensuring that she would never again have a reason to call me. That is my biggest regret. I never should have put myself out there right away after getting dumped. I blew any chance of a reconciliation and ended up hurting the other girl in the process - something I am not proud of.
How can it be that even after all this time, I still have these thoughts of longing and yearning for her? It would seem that, in my case, there is to be no closure, no finality, no real ending. And that's tough to live with day in and day out for the rest of my life. I really thought that I'd be over her by now. I really don't think that I can ever be truly "over her." Those thoughts, wants and desire will always be there.
And, what if she did pop up again? How would I react? I think it would be hard for me to contain myself. There'd be jitters and butterflies galore for sure. How could anyone evoke that kind of gut-wrenching emotion in me? Keeping all of this hidden is how I have to deal with it unless I'm posting anonymously on iVillage...

Four years is a long time to hold onto the memories of someone. ....."How can it be that even after all this time, I still have these thoughts of longing and yearning for her?"..... Make no mistake, those thoughts aren't "just there" because she was so amazing, they're there because you're putting them there, entrenching them in your head and in your heart, day in and day out. Of COURSE when you do that the thoughts won't go away.
If ever since the breakup you've been ....."trying to convince yourself she didn't mean it and that it was some horrible mistake,"..... you're going about your healing all backwards. You won't heal as long as you think this way, and you won't make any room in you life or your heart for anyone else, even the possibility of anyone else. That's like trying to lose weight by eating cheeseburgers non-stop, which not only will not help your diet, but isn't very good for you.
You had finality when she said she didn't want to be with you anymore. That's just not the finality you wanted. No one can give you closure (highly overrated) except yourself. Outside events can't do it, only internal resolve can. The flipside of that is that you don't need that "call or that email or that chance meeting" that you've been waiting on for years in order to have the closure you feel you need.
The thing is, this woman in your past has already hurt you, but since she's no longer around, she can't hurt you *more* than what she already has. You know how to deal with that pain. Someone new could potentially hurt you again, and I do believe you're holding onto that other person because of your fear of potentially being hurt by someone new. That's not how love works. You have to be open to the possiblility, and it's the greatest risk because it carries the greatest reward, so you have to take a risk. You deserve the reward. I'm sure you're a wonderful man. I'm sure you have a deep ability to love. I'm also sure you're going to sell your life short by pining for a woman who lives only in your past instead of allowing someone new to come into your life and possibly show you a better way to love.
I wish you the very best, and I do hope someday you open your eyes and see that the one person who is hurting you in all of this, is you. Only then will you be able to help yourself. The deal is that as long as YOU don't believe you will ever get over her, you won't and you won't find love again because you won't even let yourself look for it. It could be right in front of you, a wonderful chance at a beautiful love, but you won't even see it and a *real* chance for love could escape your notice. It's as plain and as simple as that. Getting over someone isn't easy, but it can be done. If and when you *want* to, you will. You deserve love.
Best,
~~.: Sandra :.~~
CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
Hi palzywalzy,
::I'm still waiting/hoping for that call or that e-mail or that chance meeting somewhere where I can really say what's been on my mind after all this time. There was some brief contact within those first few months after we split where she was trying to reestablish contact/communication but I stood firm and rebuffed her attempts to get back in my good graces.
I think that you missed your chance.
Hi Palzy,
I myself, am a few months shy of the four year mark. I thought he was "The One" as well. There hasn't been a day that has passed that I haven't thought of him. It was a really, really hard thing for me to get over. After two years of tears, pain and "what if's"?...I slowly came to terms with things. It was harder for me to hang than it was to let go. I used to come to these boards and be amazed at how quickly people got over their ex's. I tried all the tools and techniques, read all the books and kept myself busy. He was still always there. I still felt connected to him somehow.
I was drained by the constant feelings and memories. I'd see him passing by with a girl and my heart would be in my stomach. I'd hear stories about him and imagine scenarios in my head about everything he was doing with "her". Still, I wished he would call and say everything I wanted to hear...."I loved you the whole time", "I've been miserable without you", "Something has always been missing", etc. It never happened and I finally gave up believing on "someday".
Christmas of 2005 he called. I had nothing to say, I didn't care anymore. I had spent so much of myself on him when he was gone that I had nothing left when he came back. By then, there wouldn't have been anything he could have said that could make up for the two years I had lost. I could never love him the way that I had before and that right there, was all I needed to realize.
If I did take him back, I'd be filled with resentment and bitterness. I'd learn about his life after me, the empty conscience, the relationships after me, the amazing times he had without me and I'd have nothing in comparison to tell him in return. There were no other relationships for me, all the amazing moments I had had were spent wishing he was there with me. I allowed the sorrow and heartache to consume me for two years. It took all I had and everyone around me to help me out of that period in my life, how could I ever go back? All I had suffered to just be overlooked?
I think that if you spent a moment thinking about the relationship that you would have with her if she ever came back might open your eyes a bit. It would never be the same as what you may have had once. The pain she has caused you has made you a different person and I'm sure she's changed as well. You'd look upon her differently now.
In our minds we tend to make up these magical images of recconciliation with the one's that broke our hearts but, even if our dreams came true, it could never be like it was. I wouldn't want to love my ex any differently than what I did four years ago. That love was innocent, unblemished and all I ever wanted for the rest of my life.
Now however, it would just feel wrong and that's the saddest part of it all.
I feel for you and I wish you peace, of heart and mind.
Palzy,
Im very sorry to hear about what you are going through, it must be SO TOUGH. I'm not even totally sure what to say that hasn't already been said. That is really my biggest fear, to pine for my ex for that long, because there have been times when I've felt I will never get over her.
I've pretty much been a mess, I mean I've made alot of progress but the past 2 days I've had a relapse or something. I really am trying to get over her, but it's all I think about ALL DAY LONG.
hopeful04's post makes alot of sense, in the fact that you (and I) need to realize it will never be the same again. Just focus on all the bad qualities of your ex, that's what I've been trying to do.
good luck