An answer to why we can't let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
An answer to why we can't let go
6
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 7:51am
Girls,

how come that just when we start feeling good about the whole brak up thing, just when we realize that we idealized the relationship, that we can not control other person's feelings and wishes and decide to let it go we get into this emotional rollercoaster all over again?

I believe that each of these guys are unique...your guy, Robert, Adam, Tom whatever he's called.. his personality, the way he looks at you, the way he drives, the way he talks, smiles even screams when you fight..he is one in a milion and in no other guy have all these attributes, quirks and flaws come together in the same way as they did in your guy. And that's why I think it hurts so much...yea, we will find somebody else, yea, they might love us more, treat us better but this guy, the guy you just lost, never again will somebody exactly like him cross your path.

That's what makes me mad and that is what makes me sad...I lost this person, I lost the energy, i lost the love, emotions, feelings, dreams of future, i even lost the money I invested..and what did I trade them for? Memories? I don't want them damnit!

you know how we use that phrase 'meant to be' to make it easier on ourselves? What is up with that?! If you work on something that's when it becomes 'meant to be' ... this guy, this was the 'meant to be' one for me, cause all I wanted to do was love him unconditionally.

Edited 7/26/2004 2:14 am ET ET by nikolina_p


Edited 7/26/2004 2:15 am ET ET by nikolina_p

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 8:10am
I couldn't agree with you more, Nikolina, I do not want those damn memories. Someone else can have them (and take the pain, grieving for the loss, etc. too). I'm tired of trying to find "someone else", etc. What happened to the person who I was going to spend the rest of my life with (or at least a long time)!!! I long for that. And, maybe I just want someone--anyone--to be there but dammit I still miss my ex, the time together, the plans together, the telephone calls, etc. Would someone please come over, take my ex's stuff and get it to her?! With NC Rule, I don't know what to do with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 10:12am
I couldn't agree more - sometimes I wish I had bad memories, but I don't. The only bad memories I have were the few weeks leading up to the final break when we were going back and forth as to where our relationship stood. But for the preceding year, all but one or two memories are good. We had a great time together and flowed so naturally with each other.

I know we write on this board and try to convince ourselves what shmucks our exes were. We ask ourselves -- Would I really have wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone with these shortcomings? -- But I had to admit to myself that the answer was YES. Whatever shortcomings, hangups, flaws, personality defects my ex may have had, the truth is that his good qualities far exceeded his shortcomings and I would have gladly dealt with them -- Just as I hope someone would love me enough to deal with my shortcomings.

So yes -- here we go on the roller-coaster ride of emotions. I have stopped trying to make him out as some bad guy and will concentrate on healing myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 11:01am
I was doing so well for a couple of weeks, I even had a date Thursday, talked to a couple of men on line,the problem is, they all rejected me, which really got me to thinking about Ray, and how he threw me away and darn it,it crept up on me, slowly last night, I felt that horrible familure pain I couldn't sleep, again this pain, I cant' stand this, it makes 2 months since he broke up, I remember his touch, the way he looked at me, his kisses...I am wanting to try to get in touch again, he's so far away, It's not fair, how can he not feel the same way I feel now. I was doing fine, smiling laughing....Maybe its because its going on the 2nd month. I dont want to do this...I want a second chance. but I know if I do call, or write he wont answer me..That hurts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 2:06am
you made such a good point..love really is loving somebody for who they are, good and the bad side of who they are. That's why it hurts so much, because I was willing to love all of him, for who he really is, unconditionally..

And as you said, we try to think of the bad things, memories we would like to erase but the truth is there are so many good things that outweigh the bad ones.

I don't know..yea, just letting go is the only cure..not thinking about it or at least saying to yourself that it wasnt 'meant to be'. But then, is there such thing as something is not 'meant to be'? Everything you work on can be 'meant to be'

I know I am getting all philosophical here..I just miss him really, thats all there is to it

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 8:49am
I also feel that the thought of leaving everything up to fate when you know exaclty what you want terrifies us and causes us to hold on. I almost feel like if I let go then I am giving up. While that is probably not healthy, I know eventually that I will have to go on without him and let fate take over. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 9:48am
right...but does faith really exist or ...?

cause if it doesnt than it is all about us working hard on something if we wanna see it happen..and that is exactly what we are fighting against on these boards..if the faith isnt real and doesnt exist then basically we could stay with our exes if we work hard on it..no faith means no 'meant to be' crap either right? That makes it so much tougher to let go though, doesnt it