Answering the "whys".
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| Sun, 01-07-2007 - 3:05am |
for 4 years all he said every single day was - you are the most beautiful girl i have ever seen. we are perfect for each other. its fate. we are going to marry whether you like it or not. its meant to be. till i started believeing this horrible lie and gave EVERYTHING TO HIM. then one day he broke the deal and walked away. why - idon't know. why he cheated - i don't know. why - he stopped caring i dont know. i don't know anything. all i know is i was lied to. i loved him so much. why wasn't my love enough , i dont know! in the last conversation he said i dont love you anymore ( 5 hours ago he wanted to marry me and be with me forever) and i am going to find someone better. i think this was the first honest conversation we had in the last 4 years. this was his first "truth". and i took him up on that and said then don't call me ever again.
whyi am in pain while he ejoys himself - i dont know. how he could lie to me like this - i dont know. why couldnt he have been honest and said - look this is just funand games - i dont know. some human being made a fool of us , used us and discarded us like a piece of rag. why are some of us making "excuses" for this person. id ont buy reason, season and lifetime. someone cheated us in a bad way. and thats all there is to it.

My guess is that he was lying a lot longer to himself than he was to you. People go through routines of their life, including all the things he said to you, they become habit and if on the off chance that they 'notice' a difference or a doubt, they ignore it, hoping it will go away and not be true. Until they can live the lie no more. Most people can't live a lie for more than 1 month to a year...everyone is different.
Sorry you are in pain. Sorry he can't give you a better 'reason' to understand it.
However, YOU are NOT LESS THAN because of his actions, decisions, behavior or words. You have to find the strength within you to love you and move forward.
Carrie
he was lying to himself?? idont know. ithinkhe is always lying.
like right now he is in the US. he is an indian but is pretending to be Persian. Says he can never adjust in india ( after 4 weeksin the US) . Says he can never again live amongst "dirty" people. its sucha horrible thing to change loyalities so fast. to reject everything the last 23 years of your life have stood for. to deny WHO you are. i think THIS is the lie. and i kept confronting him about it - kept saying this is so WEAK. and grow up. till he finally started chetaing on me and told me to basically back off andlet him lead his own life. he told me he is "becoming who he is born to be". this - this pathetic person?? wy can't he see what a disgusting person he is? why can't people around him find him disgusting?? why don't OTHER ppl see through his charades??
the last i checked his myspace/email was when we were still together working it out and he had given me all his passwords and everything. some very pretty smart decent girls were after him. and he'd written an email to his best bud saying " girls in the US are so free and easy". i keep on hoping he wakes up one day and realises how good i was for him, how his life is alie.... a BIG lie!!!!!and he needs to accept ground realities about who he is and where he comes from and what he has done with himself. he can't keep running away can he?? i thnk he is always running. even here he thought he was better than the rest of us coz he is lighter skinned than most indians. he would go on and on about his "aryanness". even there ( in the US) he has found some "aryan" fanatics who obsess over race, color etc.. isn't this crazy?? there are so many betterthings to do with oneself. be good. be hardworking. be kind. what he is doing just seems plain MAD to me. he is playing the "exotic forgeinger card" and sleeping iwth so many girls. i dont understand. i just want him back . the way he was before.
sorry. just needed to vent. he is weak i know that. but i sometimes wish he'd NEVER EVER left for the States. so we oculd be together and happy. wish he hadn't changed so mcuh. wishh he was still the boy who wanted to marry me and loved me so much.
He will probably never go back to the man he was, especially hating his culture and heritage so much. He may have ran from that and it all may be an illusion. I hope he uses protection while with all these girls.
You vent as much as you need to. Grieving can be a long process.
Carrie