anxiety
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| Mon, 08-29-2005 - 5:39pm |
Now its been almost 2 whole months of NC. We live down the street together and the ONLY time I actually saw him in that time was the "condom incident" . The post occured in the middle of July if you want to check that one out.
Anyway, I have been doing my best to heal but it has really been hard and traumatic. I have gone through the pain, hurt, disgust, and shock of the "condom incident" and the realization of how much of a liar and immature selfish pig he really was to me. Well, I've gone on vacation this summer and I've been hanging with my friends all the time. I've even dated a couple of guys .
I just got back from Europe one week ago and on Friday night I was at a local bar with my friends. I had gone outside for a minute and bumbped straight into his parents. They were really happy to see me; hugging me and kissing me and asking what I've been up to. However, very quickly his mother added "So **** is in Europe right now." I knew he was planning a trip with a buddy of his and actually remembered that he was gonna be going the same time as my family. Turns out he has been in all the same places I was. OMG I hated that. Well they said all these nice things and totally seemed happy and enthused to see me and they went on their way.
IRONICALLY, earlier that afternoon I was driving home from work when I passed them walking down the street to a restaurant which I knew was one they went to often. Then I saw a couple walk out of the restaurant and automatically thought it was my ex and his new GF. I freaked out and was so very very angry. I went back to my place and told my housemate and she was like, "are you sure it was him?" And although I thought there was a chance he was in Europe around now I had myself CONVINCED at that point that it was him with some beautiful girl meeting his parents for dinner. Talk about being your worst enemy???
Well I'm so freaked out and if this is the way I am without having to confront him how will I be when I do have to. You see, all summer long I have pretty much avoided my town and actually driven out of my way to avoid even maybe running into him or his sight. I've also been out of town a bit.
But the summer is almost over and he, being a teacher, will be back from his vacation soon and ultimately I will see him with my eyes and I am anxious, and so angry, and have absoultely no idea how to remain calm when that happens.
He ended it so badly and hurt me so cruely and rawly that I almost get anxiety attacks just thinking about him. Its really horrible and I know if he didn't live down my street it wouldn't be so bad but he does and it is.
I actually almost think that if he ever tried to approach me that I will slap him straight across the face yelling "you unbelievable brainless jerk." My housemate is worried that he will contact me as soon as fall hits and he returns to work because the summer fun is over and and he'll think about me more. My sister thinks that too but I'm not convinced about that. In fact I'm not concerned at all because I will NOT pick up the phone. Besides, I think I know him better than them and I dont think he will try and contact me after this last breakup. He made an active THRUST at killing any shred of hope or doubt there was by buying those condoms the way he did.
Ahhhh!

Have you considered seeing a counselor? I'm concerned that you are putting so much time and energy into thinking about him as opposed to focusing on acceptance that it's over and moving on.
Sheri
I know how you feel... I hated being in the same area as my ex after we split. I think just being in "his" town made me anxious because I kept thinking about him. Oh, and running into his parents, ick! My ex's parents really LOVE me, especially his mom who hates the chick he is marring (which is a nice ego boost for me, even though it means nothing). Anyway, I wouldn't worry about what your friend and relatives think; I think you are probably correct that your ex won't contact you. My friends and family were all convinced that my ex would try and get me back quickly after our breakup, but he didn't. He's marring someone else. It is hard to think about that, but it's true.
I think it's natural to obsess about seeing your ex for awhile after a breakup, I know I did. However, I also think that the other poster's idea to see a counselor is a good one. When my ex and I broke up it was a truely horrible time for me because my best friend was diagnosed with cancer the same month. I felt like my entire world was crumbling. I saw a counselor only two times, but it really helped a lot. Talking to someone who is completely removed from the problems I was experiencing was a huge relief.
I know it is really hard right now, but it does get better. Just stick to your guns and do not contact him. If you can, turn your focus around and do what you can for yourself to make your life better. I did that after my breakup and it really improved my life overall. I lost weight, improved my health, and I saved enough money to buy a new car and my first house! And that was all in just one year... I'm a way better catch now than I ever was when I was with my ex!