Any Advise Would be Appreciated

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
Any Advise Would be Appreciated
3
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 1:18am

Hey there,

So I have never posted on this board before, but I was just looking through it and I wanted to post and see what you guys think I should do. Sometimes advise from strangers are better appreciated than advise from close friends.

Anyway, so what's my scoop? Well, I had been dating this guy for the past year (from October 2003 to December 2004). He wasn't the perfect guy for me and I knew it, yet I feel in love with him. I don't know how, when, where, or why, but it just happened. He's the kind of person who's a free spirit. He drinks EXCESSIVELY, smokes (weed, cigarrets), plays the guitar, but yet so smart. He had shaggy hair but cut it for me during the beginning of our relationship. We are both in medical school (second year), and he's really smart. I work harder than he does but we both get about the same grades. Me on the other hand, is very clear cut. I don't drink at all, nor do I smoke, I undersatnd that I just want to be a doctor and that's all I do, study and try to achieve the best I can. I am very culturally rich (being of eastern Indian heritage - he is Indian too btw), and typically I'm waht everyone calls a "good" girl, and my guy friends claim me to be sexy, but that might be a biased opinon. And he's a typical "bad" guy. He even had a motorcycle that he crashed a few times and I took care of him during those times, and felt real crappy b/c I didn't know if I deserved something like that b/c I never thing harm to anyone.

Well, in the beginning he was the PERFECT guy, he gave me everything and more. And then he failed his first semester when we were getting to know each other. I think he kind of blamed that on our relationship but it was on his part, b/c he was too much into partying and not studying. So he failed his second test which brought him down for the final and it was so low he couldn't pull himself up again. Anyway, he was in a relationship before me for 6 years and his ex cheated on him, so he was healing. It had been two years afterward that he met me and courted me, I guess. Then I went home for the christmas break and I came back, and he was a different person. He wasn't the one chasing me anymore, I guess I was the one chasing him this time. B/c I guess I felt if he could love me once he could love me again, and he was just depressed b/c he had failed, and that God had put me in his life to help him. I know I helped him with his ego if anything, b/c I just loved him so much no matter how much he hurt me. DOn't get me wrong there were good times too but it just seemed like I tried so hard and all he was into was having fun and getting through school. I have been doing well in school so far, but last december, after a party we went to after our path lab practical night, I left early with friends. He had told me that I was the greatest girl at the party. That night he went home with someone else, but I didn't know that at that time. But somehow the next day my gut was unsettling so I called him and we talked and I confronted him, since he had sent me home earlier when I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he had kissed another girl and that things had happened, but he didnt' have sex. (we have never had sex either since I am a virgin and fimily believe in having sex only after marriage) That was the start of the downward spiral.

In the following days he told me that he liked her and he wanted to get to know her, but he wanted to be my friend too. Since finals were like a week away I told him I can't be his friend after we talked about it at his place that night and I cried like I have never cried before. I somehow got through all my finals and went home. The night before going home I was at the local bar and he was there with her, and he came around following me asking why I am not talking to him, and that he wants us to be friends, and he can't stan that we are not even talking and that I'm his best friend and he doesn't want to loose that. I wanted to just ignore him and have fun, but I couldn't contain it and as I was trying to leave the situation I yelled at him saying, "I hate you and I just need you out of my life right now." I regret saying that but then again I don't.

So I went home, and I recovered. I didn't talk to him for three weeks, but then one time he came online and he msged me. Being it was a new year I gave him a chance and talked to him. He told me that he had been seeing her over the break and that he liked her, but he still wanted my friendship because I was his best friend. I told him that I don't hate him, but I'm not ready to be his friend and I don't know when I would be. That night it was hard again all over, and I was hurting again, and then I wrote him an email saying that I loved him, and it's hard for me to let go, but I have let go and I don't want him anymore, but I am not ready to be his friend. But I wish him well and I hope God blesses him with love and happiness. He tried to talk to me online, but I blocked him, because I couldn't handle talking to him, b/c it was bringing me down.

Now I am in school again, and he is in my class. We sit apart from each other and act like strangers. The second day he sent me a text saying he misses talking to me, and I didn't reply. Today he called me and told me he wanted his stuff back and had some of my stuff to give me, and that he wishes I wouldn't ignore him and that we could talk. I didn't pick up the phone so he left that on my machine. Tomorrow I figured I'd leave his stuff on his desk during one of our breaks when he goes outside, so taht I don't have to talk to him but he can still have his stuff back.

But last night I saw them walking together to a party that I would have gone to but I did't think I could handle at this point. They were holding hands, and he told me when I tried to hold his hand later on in our relationship like last summer, that he held someone's hand for six years and that she left him, and the next person's hand he's going to hold is his wife's. I felt so angry and bitter when I saw them, and although i wanted to wish him well, I just wished that they would break up. I have never had evil thoughts and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to get over the hurt. I was doing fine all of last week at school. Everyone told me I look happier, with my new hair cut and clothes, and I looked hot and sexy. But I'm not all that for him, and I want to be. I know I never can be, and at this point I don't want him in my life at all. Even if he comes back I don't want him, but I miss him. I miss who he used to be, the guy I fell in love with, not the guy that parades around with this girl in our school. I feel like that guy has died and I can never talk to him again, which is why I can't be friends with him. Am I doing the right thing?

It's so hard for me to concentrate on school; I am a week behind in my studies and that is the most horrible thing. Is there a way that you can tell me how I can start getting work done, as my future in my career is clearly more important than some stupid future with a guy that will never exist every again. I just want to free my mind of him, and not think about him. I try to write constantly (as I am a writer), poems, short stories, journal entries trying to clear my head, but nothing works. :( I have taken up studying with a friend but I feel lik I am bringing her down, esp today. All week I was happy and I felt happy, but today was so hard, after seeing them. My friends have been amazing, being at my side, but it's just so hard and I wish it would be easier. I'm waiting for the day that it will.

Thanks for the ear and letting me vent, and hoping to get some advise from anyone.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 1:03pm

I'm very sorry for the pain you must be going through. It's going to take some time to get over him, especially since you have to see him, but you WILL get through this.

Here are some "triage" measures you can take to get you through this difficult time:

1. Continue to have minimal contact with him. I think your plan for returning his stuff is a good one. Don't let him engage you in conversation; walk away.

2. Good for you for blocking him online; you also need to block him from calling you (call your phone company and ask about call rejection).

3. There's a post a bit further down the board entitled "Thought-Stopping". This technique will allow you to get through the days and focus on what you need to focus on. It takes some practice, but after a week or so, it should become 2nd nature.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 1:47pm

oh my goodness sweetheart...i feel for you. i have been there, and i am actually in a similar place right now. I was with a medical student (also indian, not as if that makes any difference) for almost 3 years. We decided to "take a break" almost a year ago. I am still in love with him and it has been one of the hardest things i've ever done. He was also the perfect man at the beginning of our relationship. I want that man back. He told me he loved me constantly, and that i was so beautiful and we talked of marriage. i don't know when it changed.

I am a nurse and obviously done with school, but i had such a hard time when we broke up b/c i think a lot of guys in medical school remain immature. medical school is almost like an extension of college for some of them. I was always a little jealous that he could remain in a school setting and be going to bars and parties with all his school buddies. Now i have none of that and i'm constantly thinking of all the fun i'm missing out on. we were so good together, everyone thought we would get married. we have remained friends for almost a year now, but it has been a terrible idea. i think i should have decided to not have any contact with him. i mean, how sad is it that almost a year has gone by and i am still in love with him. i have already dated someone else and had my heart stompped on and shredded into pieces by him...but i got through that hoping that the medical student and i would eventually get back together. Well, he of course does not want me back, and even if he did he says that he doens't have the time or effort to put into a relationship right now.

i need to move on. i had so many plans of our future. i love his parents. i wanted to go to india with him someday. even though we talk weekly and still flirt and have on occassion (probably 5 or 6 times since the breakup) slept together, it has finally become aparent to me that it is over. saying that we were "taking a break" was merely a way to soften the blow or sugar coat the fact that he was not ready.

it is so hard. i really do feel for you. i wish i had some great advice for you but you actually seem to have a somewhat clear head about this. You are so smart to be cutting off contact with him. it takes a strong person to do that..and it is better for you in the long run. isn't it a knife through the heart when they want to give you your stuff back? it makes me so sick to even think of the day that we went out to lunch to catch up and he brought a bag with one of my nightgowns in it. i still have keys to his apartment and i thought it might be a good thing for my moving on process to send the keys back to him. i'm done fighting for him. i listen to this sarah mclaughlan song sometimes and one of the lines is "i'm willing..to give up this fight"

i'm sorry that i have vented more than give you advice. i hope this helps a little to know you aren't alone. good luck in medical school. i can't imagine going through what you are going through and be trying to get through med school as well. what year are you in?

Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 7:37pm

Fortune,

I really feel for you... I'm in medicine too (second year resident), and I dated someone in my med school class as well. We had our share of problems and broke up and got back together many times, and it was really hard being in class together. So, I know how that feels -- seeing him in class but not talking, acting like strangers, the pain of seeing him with someone else.

First of all, just know that this is going to take time. Time. Time. Time. It will pass, and the pain will ease slowly. After a while, you won't want to check your answering machine; you won't care if he text messages you. But for now, just try to get through each day; allow yourself to hurt because it's going to be painful! But, you WILL get through it and, five years from now, you'll look back and you'll be fine.

Right now, if I were you, I would try to stay away from him. Sit in the front of class and DO NOT LOOK BACK at him. After class, leave. Don't stick around and see who he's talking to. Just talk to your own friends; fill your schedule up with studying with other friends and doing other activities. Don't study where you think he'll be; don't let yourself get distracted. Do not answer his phone calls. You're fabulous (everyone thinks you're hot and sexy) -- you are too good to let him get you down! It's HIS loss, not yours -- remember that. Write in your journal, write poems, read, listen to music; time will pass and you'll be okay.