Any chance at all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2004
Any chance at all?
5
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 12:10am

Well, it finally had to be this way. This guy that I dated for the past 3-4 months finished his project and had to return to his city. He is not sure where his project will be next. He is almost two years younger than me. But we have a lot in common. We had a talk about what will happen between us. He said he has seen how difficult long distance relationships can be. He was kind of in one himself while he was in college. He doesn't know if it can work out and it will just be too hard. He travels alot. For me, since I have not been in a real relationship before, couldn't give us a good solution. We kind of just left the discussion at that. The thing is that I know I want to give it a try, but did not have the guts to say it since we are not exclusive yet. (But either of us is dating anyone else.) I should have told him how I felt. I realize that now. The night we said good bye, I told him that no matter what happens, I am glad I have met him. Honestly both of us would at least like to be friends and might visit each other if we get the chance.

But since he's been back to his city almost 2 weeks ago, we have only spoken once and I was one who called him. It was on Christmas day, but I would not bear to talk to him for too long. I was sad and frustrated. He is a sweet guy, but too shy sometimes. I'd hate to not even be able to be his friend. Is he not contacting me proactively because he wants to cool off for a while or get more emotionally attached? Or because he feels guilty or doesn't want to hurt me?

I don't know what I should do. Should I tell him how I feel? Or should I even forget about being friends with him and just move on? Any advise? Thanks!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 10:55am

I'm sorry, but I think his ambivalent answer when you talked about the possibility of an LDR was a "no", but he was too chicken to tell you that directly. If he wanted to try an LDR, he'd have made that very clear and he'd be calling you.

I would move on emotionally and not talk to him for a while, until you are completely over any romantic feelings for him. Once that happens, you can re-connect as friends.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 12:30pm

Magnolia,

I really feel your pain at this point.

I think your guy made it very clear as to parameters of your relationship. He enjoyed your company while he was at your location and appreciated what a wonderful person you are. The time you shared together was well spent, but it ended when he left.

He is at a period in his life where his job is his priority. He will decide when he is ready to commit to a relationship. It doesn't mean you aren't exceptional, but it does mean you're not the exception. The lack of exclusivity and LDR excuse were subtle ways of reaffirming this to him and you. I suspect that you didn't tell him your feeling at your last meeting because, deep down, you knew this. There is no sense in telling him now as it will not change his mind.

He is not contacting you now BECAUSE he has cooled it off and does not want to become emotionally attached. He does not feel guilty because he did not give you mixed messages. It is not a question of not wanting to hurt you, because, in his eyes, he hasn't hurt you.

Give up on being friends with him. The relationship will not continue on your terms if that is what you want it to be. Move on to finding someone who will be able to appreciate the great gal you are AND is willing to make you a priority.

Hugs,

Mimiche

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 4:27pm

I'm so sorry you're going through this but you'll be ok and you'll get through this and of course, we're here to help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2004
Sat, 01-01-2005 - 7:21pm

Thanks so much everyone for your advice. You are all so great. I have some positive news (update) to share with you! He actually called me yesterday. He told me that his next project might be in Conneticut. (I live around NYC). He also said depending on what his schedule is like, he will see if he can make it to the ski trip that I have been planning with my friends in Jan. I think right now he does not want to make any promises b/c he does not want to disappoint me. But I am really glad that he is not 'hiding' from me. I think what he needed was time to sort out things on his own. I gave him that and my patience paid off.

I am wondering if this means we may now have a second chance. But I am definitely not going to expect too much or rush into anything this time. I will see how it goes and I want to be much better at communicating with him. I have learned alot through the last few weeks. Wish me luck! Happy New Year to you all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 4:00pm
I'm glad to hear that he called finally!
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