Any hope for a commitmentphobic man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Any hope for a commitmentphobic man?
2
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 1:55pm

Upon the recommendation of several posters, I finally bought "Men Who Can't Love". I felt like I was reading my story of my 4-year relationship with my ex-BF. I have never read self-help relationship books, but this one is a must-read for anyone in a relationship with a commitmentphobic man. It helped to put so many things into perspective for me.

I ended my live-in relationship with my now ex-BF a month ago because he couldn't commit. He is in the process of moving out. I know he loves me and is having a hard time letting go. Any chance that my commitmentphobe will ever be able to get his act together and be able to commit? I'm really just curious, I am moving on slowly and don't expect that I he's going to change his tune, but just wanted to know if anyone has had any experience with this or is he truly just a lost cause?

Thanks all. Every day is getting a teeny tiny bit easier.

I HIGHLY recommend the book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 3:49pm

My gut instinct is no, there is probably no hope. A man who is commitmentphobic, like a person with any psychological condition will never get better until he is able to admit that he has a problem and genuinely wants to change. Has he given any indication that he understands the problem is on his end? Has he ever mentioned wanting to change his destructive behavior patterns?

If it were me and he was on his way out anyway and there's nothing left to lose, I would suggest that he read "Men Who Can't Love" since it might give him some insight into his own behavior. Honestly though, he probably has no interest in reading the book...

That's just my two cents!

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!
Visit the Breaking Up is Hard to Do web page!

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 12:39pm

very interesting excerpt:

He's afraid of getting hurt again.
He's just getting out of a relationship.
Maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship.
I think I intimidate him.
He just has so much going on right now.

Well you know what? They’re all crap. Every single one.

The fact is, if a guy is interested in you, wild horses can't keep him away. If he really wants something, he’s going to make an effort to get it. Warehouses full of big-screen televisions, power tools, motorcycles, fancy cars and pool tables attest to this truth.

You think you're getting mixed messages? They're not mixed. They may be weak, but they’re not mixed. The message is loud and clear: a polite rejection. Men aren't afraid of commitment. They’re afraid of saying "no" to your face. They're afraid of saying "you're not for me" especially if there’s a risk you might cry. But their actions tell you EXACTLY what they’re feeling.

A new book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo called He's Just Not That Into You puts it all in perfect perspective. I haven’t read all of it yet, but the gist is this: You can make up any excuse you want, but the fact is, if a guy doesn’t call you, doesn’t ask you out, doesn’t keep pursuing you, he’s just not that into you.

As Behrendt says, "Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you."

Men are just not that complicated. While we women can spend hours and hours analyzing the seemingly puzzling behavior of men, we’re wasting our time. If he wants you, you’ll know it. Instantly.

Awhile back I wrote about how men have this habit of obviously ogling women. There is no subtlety here. If a man is interested, he will certainly make his intentions known. He’s born to hunt. And he enjoys it.

If he doesn’t come after you, he doesn’t want you. Not enough to make any effort. Not enough to figure out how to get to you. Forgetting the fact that he may have no interest -- if he has no initiative, if he’s too lazy to get up off the couch to see you, why would you want him? You’ve just spent several hours (days? weeks?) agonizing about this guy who can’t even expend enough energy to call you. He’s a prize?

Uh, I don’t think so.

Now I know some of you must be thinking, "but this is the new Millennium. I’m a strong, independent woman. If I want to call him, I’m going to call him." Okay, go ahead. Call him. ONCE. But that’s all you get. Just one call. That’s it. If he does not call you back, doesn’t want to see you at the earliest possible moment, move on. Do NOT do his work for him.

Listen, very few men would turn down a free pizza, delivered to their door, whether or not they were particularly hungry. Please gals, don’t be that pizza.

You think he’s interested in you? Let him prove it. He does not prove it by giving you his number. He does not prove it by being happy to just email you. He proves it by wanting to see you, and asking you out.

Forget about the potential YOU see in him. Forget about how perfect YOU think you are for each other. Forget about that one fantastic night YOU had with him. If he doesn’t follow-up, he’s just not that into you.

The good news is gals, it makes our "job" much simpler. We don’t have to sit around agonizing or analyzing. There are no subtle signs to evaluate. It’s either yes or no. There’s a great sense of freedom when you release yourself from the old pattern of worrying and wondering. You minimize the disappointment and the "down time." When he doesn’t call back, when he doesn’t show any initiative whatsoever, he confirms the fact that he is indeed a schmuck. He didn’t need you to tell him. He proved it himself!