any words of wisdom will be appreciated.
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| Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:07pm |
We went to the same college, but didn't know one another. He says he noticed me over 10 years ago.
8 motnhs ago, we began talking. He immediately made it clear that he didn't want to be placed in my "friend box". Our first date last 12 hours, the 2nd lasted 8 hours. Because of past hurts, I was really hestitant, but decided to give it a try.
We were L/D from Nov - May. We talked every day. I would visit him, he visited me. We had great times, in such a short period. We talked about everything. He convinced me to let go of my "wall" and take a chance. I trusted him. I worked on my fear of vulnerability, and decided to be open. He thanked me for that.
In May, because of a new job, I ended up moving 35 minutes away from him.
We spent my first two weekends here together, then he became distant. At first he blamed it on his new job (when we met, he was completing grad school), and the fact that he didn't have much time for himself. I understood. I had a stressful job too. We woul talk over the phone to sustain the relationship, and have dates every other weekend. but then the phone calls started lagging. In the past, even his sister complained about his lack of communication, but that had never been a problem with us. I never asked him to reach out me, he did it on his own. For him to all of a sudden stop calling as much, felt strange to me. I would've blamed it on cheating, but that wasn't the case. He was never out and about, he would be at home, BY HIMSELF, watching TV, being cranky.
Our talks became very "general". The only time we would talk would be when I reached out
to him. I tried to talk to him about this 2x...and asked him had something changed. His story remained the same - I'm a loner, my job,...blah, blah, blah He made plans for my birthday, which made me hopeful, but afterwards he slipped right back into this new "mode"
I don't believe in stressing men. I began calling him less...thinking this was a temporary thing. Sooner or later, it was more than apparent that I was being placed ont he back-burner.
I called him last week, and asked him to consider whther or not he wanted to be in a relationship with me anymore. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. I respected his space, I was never manipulative, and I really cared for him. My expectations were based on what he and I had established over the last 8 months. I never aksed for more than he convinced me he would provide.
We broke up this past weekend. He told me that he prayed for clarity and I believe him. He was a perfect gentleman, and we talked throughout the night. He admitted to me that he does not want to be in a serious relationship. He says he used to have such a positive outlook on love & relationships, but somewhere along the way he has abandoned those thoughts. He says that he has talked to his friends about him being "damaged goods", and even though my expectations were totally reasonable, he still was unable to meet them. He swears he didn't lead me on, and at the time, he really did feel that he was ready to be in a relationship. He apologized for not being in the "same place" as I was, and he knows I deserve more.
He wanted to remain friends. I told him no thanks. He feels a piece of me, is better than having nothing at all. I don't work like that. Real friends can talk about anything. I don't want to hear of his dating etc. I had to let him go.
I'm sitting here hurting, and confused. I took a long break in between relationships, in hopes of making healthier decisions. I don't understand how someone can CONVINCE you to take a chance with them, acknowledge how good of a person you are, but still leave you.
He has a lot of issues that have nothing to do with me, which is why I didn't attempt to contest this. He says he admires me for being able to cry and express myself, and insists that this is the best thing for the both of us. In the back of my mind, I'm wishing he could work on himself and come back...but that's a foolish passing thought. I know I wouldn't trust him with my heart.
I'm hurting so bad. Any words of encouragement would be appreciated. thanks!

Hunny listen,
i just got out of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man myself.
i was the one who was trying to make everything work.
i was making all the phone calls, and he always seemed distant and unintrested in what i had to say. i opened up to him at my most vunerable time, and he took advantage of it with a kind look in his eye.
he payed mind games with me........and he was 13 yrs older than me! he was so immature i have met 20 year olds more mature.
he dumped me becuase i am half black, and his family is against interracial couples,marriages, children. he would talk about marrying me, and having babies with me. "we would have such beautiful babies, with your skintone and my eyes" he would say...........but my skintone became a problem i suppose. his family pressured him and stuff, and he left me, but insisted on being friedns. HELL NO. he couldnt even be a decent boyfriend to me. how can i have him as a friend? he played mute constantly, never communicated with me, and i expect to have communication in my friendships as well as relaitonships.
i understand where your coming from.he and i lived about 45 minutes away from eachother.
the only thing i can offer is this.....
* feel every emotion to its fullest
*if you need to cry, then cry your eyes out
* think aobut all the things you didnt like about him
* do nice things for yourself
* focus on you
*surround yourself wiht people who love and care about you
* dont settle!!!
* dont call him!!!!!!!!!!!! i cannot stress this enough
*Remember, this didnt work out for a reason.
it is very likely the reason is to bring you closer to mr right, and he is out there!
keep your head up!!!!!! it will get better i promie.
:)
"I'm sitting here hurting, and confused. I took a long break in between relationships, in hopes of making healthier decisions. I don't understand how someone can CONVINCE you to take a chance with them, acknowledge how good of a person you are, but still leave you."
That's exactly what my boyfriend did to me...I'm sorry you're going through the pain, it does get better, even though it doesn't feel like it at the time. My (former)boyfriend also wants to stay "friends." I also don't operate that way. I was his crown jewel, he would strut around proud to have me on his arm. I felt the same way about him. He actually could sometimes be quite smothering in his affection...now he wants me to accept being put on a shelf and dusted off on occasion when HE feels the need for "friendship?" Forget it! Despite the intense pain he has caused, I wish him well. But I won't allow myself to have my heart continually ripped open anew if and when he decides to call for a "friendly" conversation. It's selfish and unfeeling on his part. Only I can decide to preserve my self-respect and walk away from a position of groveling for crumbs of his time and affection if and when he decides to toss a few my way. You can do the same and you WILL get better. I read a quote today which seems appropriate: "New and exotic lands are only discovered after you've lost sight of the shore for a very long time." Have courage, better things are coming just over the next wave.
By the way, I think you did the right thing in rejecting the offer of friendship. I've never seen anyone who could make that work, but I have seen couples spend months making themselves miserable trying.