Anybody out there in their fifties?
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| Sat, 06-17-2006 - 12:59am |
I am so glad that I happened upon this board...because I need to vent, and don't want to burden friends and family. I am in my fifties, and last night discovered by accident that my long term (7 year) boyfriend had been posting his profile on an internet dating site advertising the fact that he visits another city frequently. I am devestated by the lack of respect he had for me, the willingness to throw away a long term relationship with our combined history, and the betrayal of my trust. For all of those reasons I "fired" him this morning. In retrospect, I guess I should have seen the "signs".
I am ashamed to admit that in the past after our break-ups (one initiated by him, one by me for that "gut instinct" that he "really wasn't into me"), I was the one that thought it might be good to try again. My theory is that relationships often begin with fireworks, and in long term relationships, settle down into a long burning flame, with occassional flare ups. This one had fireworks for about the first two years.
After each break-up, he insisted that we should remain friends. This time, I said that I never want to see him again, don't call, don't email. I think from past experience remaining friends prolongs the agony of the amputation!
So..I am really feeling the pain tonight. I know what I need to do...I think it is important to just not even think about finding somebody at this point. The wound is too raw. Sorry for all the analogies -
I am somewhat bitter that 7 years have been "wasted". Some of those were "wasted" because of me not admitting sooner that it should have been over.
I know our great hope for all of those posting here is that we will find somebody that wants to be with only us, that is loyal, true, considerate, and affectionate. I just watched the movie, "The Notebook", which is about a great life-long undying love. O.K., so that is what I want. Now here I am at almost 55 years old, wondering if it is just going to be a series of relationships with bad break-ups. There is such emotional pain in all of this, sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it.
I am grateful to be able to type this out - there is therapy in putting it down in black and white. Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight. This kind of heartbreak is not conducive to a good night's sleep!

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Well, I'm not quite in my 50s...I'm 47...but I can relate to feeling like you've "wasted" time in a relationship that lasted too long. I'm 7 months past my last breakup (1.5 years) and am just embarking on a new one but I have to admit, it took a while for me to say "yes" to trying again (I just agreed tonight to seeing this new guy exclusively), in large part because I'm afraid to let myself risk yet another heartbreak.
I'm sorry for what you're going through...I've had that happen too (finding out the guy was online looking) and it's very painful, even in a shorter relationship than yours. I hope you're able to find the strength to stay away because you do deserve better. And I agree, being friends is not the right thing for you right now.
Keep us posted on how you're doing.
Sheri
Thanks for your response. I did sleep a little better last night. I kept visualizing "shutting a door" when I would have a thought about him and the break-up. I like the concept that when one door closes another will open for us. Trouble is, I never quite succeed in shutting and locking that last door!
I think I am loyal to a fault. I keep trying to resurrect dead relationships, because I see the good in people. I married my ex-husband twice. I never will understand men. When they pursue you there are flowers, candy, presents, sappy cards and dates. Once you are "caught", then they get bored and lose interest. I hope this isn't related to some intrinsic hunter instinct that they have - because then it is hopeless for all us diehard romantics who crave that one, life long, sustainable committed relationship with somebody.
I went five years after my last divorce before dating. I read somewhere that for every year of a relationship, you should wait a year before dating. Good grief! I will be eligible for social security by that time! Hope that isn't true.
I so know where you're coming from. I tend to be able to compartmentalize my emotions pretty well, kind of pride myself on being able to intellectually analyze something. However, this breakup stuff just totally eliminates the logical. I find myself swept away with raw emotion. I don't like it!
I would really like to know if there are any men on this board. I don't know the answer to that, because I just found out about this board last night. I wanted to get a good night's sleep (I didn't!) and needed some way to write down what I was feeling. This is a great comfort knowing there are people, like yourself, that are feeling what I am feeling. I don't know any of the answers. In fact, the older I get, the more I realize how little I truly know about human nature - even though I have two sons, one of whom is married, I realize I don't know much about how men think. What I believe I have discovered is somewhat disturbing to my expectations of finding somebody that will fulfill those marriage vows. The marriage vows were probably written by a woman!
I don't want to be discouraged and cynical. I don't like myself when I think like this. I like to believe and trust.
I too live in a very, very small town. This area is very remote. My chances are pretty slim, especially at my age, of finding somebody in the area. I like the way it feels when there is a relationship that is working - a sense of peace, and "all is right with the universe" is the pervasive feeling when I am loved by another. Now my universe is falling apart. And it isn't even about the individual that I broke up with, I am mourning the loss of that peace and comfort.
Thanks for letting me vent!
Hi there... a 54-yo male here...
I've heard and have read all of this stuff about how men are different from women (the Mars/Venus thing, etc etc etc), but I dont know how accurate all of that really is. My experience with relationships has been very similar to the ones mentioned here. I was married for 23 years, and should only have been married for about 17 years. The last seven were not good with the last four being devoid of sex, intimacy, emotional attachment... nothing. It took me 2 1/2 years to start dating again and that ability to date was all based on trust.. as to whether or not I felt I could trust to let someone else into my life.
I've been in some rocky relationships since my divorce.. the most recent one being this woman who got angry with me, and to get back at me, screwed two different men on consecutive nights, and then told me all about it the next time we were together... a real jewel, huh?
But at the same time, I dont know if any of my time spent in the relationships were wasted. I learned something about me.. I learned something about others... and if I felt that the time with them was wasted, that would almost have to mean that I would have been better off alone. I just can't buy that. I think we are better off when we are with someone.
I teach economics and finance in the university system where I live, and I compare love relationships to barter economies... those economies where there is no money... goods that each has and wants from others is based on trade... You see someone that you think would be good for you... in order for that to work, that person has to see something in you that he thinks will be good for him. If that "coincidnce of needs" doesnt exist, then the trade doesn't take place, and the relationship never happens. And not only does that "need" have to exist, but it has to exist at the right time. Have you ever met someone and thought, "now why couldn't I have met that person last (insert time frame here)."
I am like Ana51 in that I wonder if I will ever be married again, and really in love. The relationships I have had have been more like "passing fancies".. but at the same time, I learned things in my marriage that I know to be 'deal breakers'... I will not expose myself to emotional/verbal abuse from anyone.. regardless of why it happens.
As for men and the 'chase'.. the flowers, the attention, the phone calls, the great dates, and then when one is "snagged" they disappear... in my experience women do the same thing, so it doesnt seem to be gender specific as far as Im'm concerned.
As for trying to resurrect dead relationships, I tried once to get back together with my ex, and one night, I remembered why she was my 'ex' to start with. I couldn't go back to that for anything. As for my relationships since the divorce, I tend to have a "mulligan" (do-over) approach... if things go badly and we break up, I am willing to try again, but then patterns of abuse/unhappiness start to creep back in.. and its time to go.
Northwestwander talks about being afraid to expose herself to heartache again, but don't we take that chance everytime we decide to ask someone out (assuming that you ladies might ask someone out).. talk about extra rejection!
As for being able to analyze someone else's predictament, and yet be so "off-base" on our own, its all because we can be objective and see others' situations more clearly than we can our own. When it comes to our relationships, we think the other should clearly be able to see all the great things we can do for them, etc., and we can't see things clearly.
As for someone being true or untrue to us, consider this... for every man that cheats in a relationship, somewhere in there, there has to be a woman cheating. Right now, I have three married women after me, and they don't seem to understand the concept of "no"... I will say that I think men and women probably "cheat" for different reasons, but that could be another story/thread
You are right, Ana51, when things are great, there is nothing better, and when they aren't right... its horrible.
I met a woman in late April... she told me all of the things I wanted to hear... did all the things I wanted a woman to do... it didnt take long for her to have me "hook, line, and sinker"... and then three weeks later, it was as if someone had flicked the light switch. She assures me that she "meant it then"... and I tell her that I understood it then, and can't understand it now... and where does that leave me... other than hurt?
Oh well.. yes, there are some 50-something guys on here.. we arent all bad.
Jim
Your response gives me hope. There are good men out there, and I have always known that to be true. I also have a wonderful example in my life of my own Dad (appropriate to honor him on Father's Day). He is, with great patience and understanding, taking care of my Mom who has dementia. Mom was one of the few women who graduated with a degree in Geology from Berkeley in the forties. She was a woman of the mind. Now she can't remember her grandchildren's names. She is not always nice to my Dad. He is 91 years old, and manages to keep his quick wit and good nature during these trying times. This is what the marriage vows are all about.
It doesn't take me long to segue into emapthy for the individual that caused me emotional pain. With my first husband, (actually only husband, but I married him twice!), empathy and sympathy replaced anger and disappointment. It took about 6 months. He was/is a Viet Nam Vet, with severe P.T.S.D. It didn't take me long to make excuses and find a reason to get back with him to "save him". Doesn't work, you can't stop a freight train going off a cliff...
I had never had any experience with heartbreak before my divorce, no bad breakups with high school and college boyfriends. This was totally new territory. And you are correct that every process that we go through in life teaches us volumes. I jokingly say that I would rather just read it in a book and try and learn it that way rather than having to actually live through the experience. Before my divorce, I know that I always thought I understood what my friends were going through when they were getting divorced. I didn't have a clue!
O.K., so my husband and I broke up because he was obviously mentally ill...that was my excuse and that was my method of rationalizing how a man could do this to somebody as nice as me! With my ex-boyfriend (weird term at 54) that kind of reasoning doesn't work. He is definitely compos mentis, and knew exactly what he was doing.
Because I know him so well, I understand him. And now I am beginning evolve into empathy and sympathy for him. He portrays himself as honest and trustworthy. I made him feel low, mean and disrepectful when I confronted him about his forays into online dating. I know he is suffering, because he knows he betrayed the trust. I also suspect that he wanted to be caught, that he wanted the relationship to be over, but that he didn't want to be the "bad guy", that he wanted me to say we're through, to absolve him of guilt. I didn't do that. And I know he must be suffering, and I feel badly for that fact. I am not going to contact him. I am not going to tell him how I am feeling. I hope that I haven't ruined his future...I hope that he will see the good in the past 7 years, and learn the lessons from this experience.
So, this is the healing process. Homo Sapiens are a complicated bunch. Canadian Geese are supposed to mate for life. Judging from all the heartbreak out there, maybe we weren't meant to. I hope that isn't true.
Back to the garden to dig in the dirt. Typing this out, digging in the dirt, and taking long walks are my coping mechanisims.
Hi, Ana,
I can almost ditto your story. I am almost 54. I had a long marriage and dated very little before it. It dissolved because my husband became drug-addicted. I then had a six-year relationship with an old friend, who began to place secret internet profiles and ultimately left me for a 30-year-old he impregnated and who left him immediately.
After four months, someone very special has found me and I am very content and happy. So, even at our age, very good things can happen if we do the necessary work of mourning and learning lessons to prepare ourselves for the next good thing. I have at times felt I wasted six years of my life with the Ex, but I know there were good times and I have to remember to just leave the bad and take away the valuable lessons learned. I have no idea whether I will ever remarry or even whether this new relationship will last through the summer, but I have hope, and I am trying to make the most of each day of this wonderful new relationship, enjoy it and learn from it.
With my Ex's, I, too, tend to feel sorry for them and have urges to go back and rescue them. I know deep down they are really the loser in this, and I have empathy for them, even knowing they have wronged me. But I have learned to put myself first, and that I cannot save them. They may move on quickly, but it is more often just a rebound because they have learned nothing.
My Ex tried to provoke me into breaking up with him for a year. I didn't give him that satisfaction, and I think he does feel bad because of that. This is a common tactic of people who break up. In retrospect, I should have seen the handwriting on the wall and left him years before and saved myself a lot of grief. He hates to be alone and wanted to keep me hanging on until he had somewhere else to go.
Do not despair because of your age. My new guy is 13 years younger than I, and he was attracted to me for precisely the reason that I am more mature, cannot have children, and bring an angle to the relationship that is interesting because of the slightly different time period I lived through. I have also dated a few men who were my age and they also were fun to be with and very nice gentlemen.
Edited 6/18/2006 8:27 pm ET by memphisstars
I would like to keep this discussion going for us "older" heartbroken people. I think there are many similarities to those in their twenties and thirties and what they are feeling after a break up, but also some major differences. Many of us that are older are now dealing with aging parents, empty nests, and looming retirement. We may be wondering what the next phase of our lives will be, and if we will be doing that solo. Just when we may be able to relax, and enjoy the fruits of our labors, we may find that we have no "soul mate" to participate in those activities.
So...please let's help each other.
In reading many of these posts from younger people, I realize how much wiser they are than I was at their age. I managed to skate through a lot of my life without ever experiencing a devestating heartbreak. I am an eternal optimist, and tend to see the good in people. The heartbreaking break ups have made me more cautious, less willing to trust.
Just an aside, I have a son currently stationed in Baghdad. Knowing what I know about how war can affect the mind, without necessarily touching the body, I think that the younger people on this board, if they are involved with somebody who is stationed in a war zone, need to be aware what P.T.S.D. is. I don't think our nation pays enough attention to the psychologically damaged that are the natural result of war. And, it is not a new phenomenon. Throughout history we have had different terms for P.T.S.D. "Shell Shocked" is one of them (after WWI and WWII). There are plenty of examples after the Civil War of men that never came back from the horror.
Heartbreak and breakups tend to make us totally self-absorbed and consumed with our own emotional pain. I think one of the steps in healing is to step outside ourselves, look around, and see who we can help, and what we can do to make this world a better place.
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