Anybody out there in their fifties?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Anybody out there in their fifties?
15
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 12:59am

I am so glad that I happened upon this board...because I need to vent, and don't want to burden friends and family. I am in my fifties, and last night discovered by accident that my long term (7 year) boyfriend had been posting his profile on an internet dating site advertising the fact that he visits another city frequently. I am devestated by the lack of respect he had for me, the willingness to throw away a long term relationship with our combined history, and the betrayal of my trust. For all of those reasons I "fired" him this morning. In retrospect, I guess I should have seen the "signs".

I am ashamed to admit that in the past after our break-ups (one initiated by him, one by me for that "gut instinct" that he "really wasn't into me"), I was the one that thought it might be good to try again. My theory is that relationships often begin with fireworks, and in long term relationships, settle down into a long burning flame, with occassional flare ups. This one had fireworks for about the first two years.

After each break-up, he insisted that we should remain friends. This time, I said that I never want to see him again, don't call, don't email. I think from past experience remaining friends prolongs the agony of the amputation!

So..I am really feeling the pain tonight. I know what I need to do...I think it is important to just not even think about finding somebody at this point. The wound is too raw. Sorry for all the analogies -

I am somewhat bitter that 7 years have been "wasted". Some of those were "wasted" because of me not admitting sooner that it should have been over.

I know our great hope for all of those posting here is that we will find somebody that wants to be with only us, that is loyal, true, considerate, and affectionate. I just watched the movie, "The Notebook", which is about a great life-long undying love. O.K., so that is what I want. Now here I am at almost 55 years old, wondering if it is just going to be a series of relationships with bad break-ups. There is such emotional pain in all of this, sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it.

I am grateful to be able to type this out - there is therapy in putting it down in black and white. Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight. This kind of heartbreak is not conducive to a good night's sleep!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 3:56pm

It's interesting how so many women try to "save" the person that they love. I think it is that maternal instinct and we have the capacity for unconditional love. I know men have that also...because there are lots of times I see and know couples where the woman is a total neurotic whacko, and the man is there at her side, devoted and attentive. Go figure! And we are so nice, with no neuroses! Why can't we find love like they did?

I'm having a few sad thought today, about how unfair it all is. Again, I am so grateful for this board, and the opportunity to purge the negative!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 11:07pm

I agree with your sense of 'nurturing' or 'care-taking' of others, but don't you think that by doing this, that we become 'enablers' for their actions?

As for the hurt and the pain, time tends to take care of that...

Jim

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 12:34am

Yes, I think that time does take care of the pain and the hurt, and if you add in a healthy dose of humor that also helps. I usually can find a real good reason to laugh about my situation fairly quickly. It is so therapeutic. I love a good laugh.

I know that even a decade after a break-up, bittersweet memories can pop up about a spouse or a lover. So, time has a way of dulling the pain, but the sadness about love lost still can be there in some sense. That is regardless if I am 1000% convinced that the relationship was much better off to be dead and buried.

Totally different subject: When I think back to this last ex boyfriend, he was always urging me to get my hair cut. I never commented about his personal appearance. He fell in love with me when I had extra long hair. I never complied with his request, because for me the length that I have is easiest to take care of. Plus many people have commented that I should never cut it. It is a little ridiculous to have "sitting on" length hair at my age, but hey, that's me! I always said that when it goes gray I will cut it and dye it red and wear a purple hat. That hasn't happened yet. The point is, that I think when a significant other is bugging you about changing your appearance, it is important to maybe consider that as a warning sign. It isn't always women that try and change men! I feel confident about myself, I am not going to change who I am to please somebody else.

Have any of the others on this board had that situation - where your bf or gf urges you to change your appearance? Wear different clothing styles?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 8:57am

Just wondered how you were doing...did you decide to move up North and start a new life?

I really had trouble sleeping last night. Even though I'm pretty good about shoving all the emotional turmoil down deep during the day at work, it seems to rise up at night, and wake me up from a sound sleep! I am going to look like a zombie, with dark circles under my eyes. Did you know tears "etch" your contact lenses? Since my break-up I haven't been able to wear the contact lenses because they get cloudy from the slightly acidic nature of my tears. So sad...so I'm a bespectled woman with dark circles under my eyes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 9:26am
I am going to move up in May for the tourist season and do accounting for Westmark hotels. At 46 I am going to find myself :) As we know from past experiences time is the best healer. I too went to wor everyday just putting one foot in front of the other. It gets easier with time.

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