Anyone been through this????
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| Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:59am |
have any of you experienced a situation where you have lived with and loved someone for 3+ years but are incredibly unsure of whether to stay in or end your relationship? We have DEFINITELY had our ups and downs, he was essentially verbally abusvie for a while (he's tamed down drastically, but who knows if it will start again?), and I put up with it. Then there was the internet relationships, the secret visit w/the ex (but nothing actually "happened"), the porn, the financial dependency on me, etc. Those are all things he has done. Anyway----all of that seems to have ended now or he is at least much better at hiding it. Part of me thinks he woke up and realized he didn't want to lose me after I briefly moved out and really HAS stopped that kind of stuff.
Me, I don't know why I never really left after any of those incidents, but call me weak I guess. So, now, I am faced with the dilemma of what to do. Its like I just can NOT leave him. Right now, and for the past few weeks, he has been nothing but incredibly super duper sweet to me, always telling me he loves me, anxiously awaiting my arrival home from work (ironically, he once again is out of a job but "should" have one lined up pretty soon-a lot of jobs in this town are seasonal and that is why). He is constantly asking me about what i want to do after we leave here, when we get married, etc. I never know how to respond (because i am terrified of expressing my true feelings), and make jokes about how we can't get married now because he does not have any money, etc.
Point is, my life is INCREDIBLY intertwined with his, and I am so scared of losing what we have but deep down I think maybe its not right. But then again, maybe it is? I can't stop thinking of the "what-ifs." Nor can I bear losing the dog, who is originally his. To some this may all sound materialistic, but to me I can't fathom losing everything (i know, i know, after a divorce it would be 10trillion times worse). We share EVERYTHING-even though technically I have bought more stuff (the car is mine, but he sold his and contributed a bit to my car), the computer is mine-but he uses it WAYYYYYYYYYYYY more, all the furniture-some of that WAS actually split, so who knows, etc. And all of our joint friends-its as if I don't know how to deal whatsoever. Plus, I am the one with a fairly decent job here (small town) and so I do not know how to "move on" if we are both living here. And I don't know if I can handle the depression of not being with him.
How do you make these answers? Oh, and I feel like i have only addressed his flaws. He is a wonderful person-very smart, funny, charming, and as I said, can be incredibly sweet. At the same time, that same level of sweetness can be the extreme opposite when he loses his temper. And, he smokes a ton of pot which is fine, but I sometimes wonder if that promotes his laziness and/or he winds up spending money he owes me on that, but then if i ever smoke (which is not often) he comes back to me with "well, you smoke too."
Anyone with any experiences or wise thoughts? It is something I think about CONSTANTLY all day long but then I go home and he wants to be all lovey-dovey cuddly and I so I can't bear to bring up an uncomfortable topic. And, I fear that he will hate me, which I can't handle after 3 years of being inseparable. I really, really appreciate those who respond!!!! Thank you!!!
Edited 7/9/2005 3:31 pm ET ET by unknownname

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But as far as before the break up goes....
We were together for 4 years. The 2 year of the relationship I moved in with him at his parents house, then we got a place of our own. He is very immature and I am very mature for my age. i have been through alot in the 20 years of my life, which has forced me to grow up. Everything was fine the first 6 months, but after that it went down hill. The drinking (on both parts) got to be very bad. I had alot of emotional baggage going into this relationship which didnt help. I blame myself for basically everything that went wrong but I wish he would have seen the sings and got me help before it got worse. I'll try to make this short. We had a very verbal abusive relationship, which eventually led to physical abuse. I started the physical abuse to him (he never hit me back) but he would get angry and punch holes in the walls. He would pin me against the wall and scare the crap out of me. I still pushed him over and over again. I wish we would have seen how horrible of a realtionship that was. But instead we chose to ignore it and never fixed the problem. The reason I'm telling you this is cause you need to take care of it NOW. Dont let this progress to something worse. I wish I would have had someone stop and make me get help, if so maybe I wouldnt be were I am today..alone and full of regrets. Once you fill your past with bad things its hard to forget them. My ex tells me there was too much bad to make things right. It hurts because I have learned from my past and want to make it right, but he doesnt see that possible. Just dont ignore warning signs, thats why you have them. If you can fix the problem do so, but if not then get out before it hurts even worse.
Actually, i believe he did a big favour leaving me cause i never could have the courage to do so, and believe me, i had the same doubts you have one, and his change is temporarily u'll see that, i've seen that, they never really change. You've gotta listen to that. It's hard i tell u, i feel like an addict withdrawing, but i'm holding on. So if u can get the strengh to leave him do so, maybe u should try a therapist to help u going through this.
My r/s was so similar to yours, it seems i'm reading my life in your post. Leave now that u can, staying too long is always worst.
Take care.
However, I deserve better....and so do you. Trust me on this, you will find another guy who is all the things you love about this one and more. Someone who is stable, financially and otherwise. Someone who is your best friend and never ever puts you down. The materialistic things are just that. Items that can be replaced at somepoint. I have packed up the very few things that actually mean something to me...he can have the rest because I don't want to be reminded of him.
Men develope patterns. Or at least mine did. He would be horrible for a while, we'd scream and fight. I'd threaten to leave, he'd straighten up for a while. Then we'd go back and do the whole thing over again. IT DOES NOT CHANGE!!!
If your intuition is telling you something is not right, go with it. Mine is telling me the same thing and I'm gone (well as of this Friday). Yes it will be hard but you have support and above all just remember you deserve better. I have started to tell myself that everyday. I deserve better.
Trust me and everyother women on this board.
i did love him but sometimes love is not enough....he did not want to seriously address his issues with pot and lack of motivation...could not stay in college, could not hold a job, could not pay bills on time .. it went on and on....he lied to me, cheated on me, and was verbally abusive....but the other side of him was the sweetest and kindest guy so it was very confusing...and we were both young...started dating when we were 18 and went on until we were 24...so it is hard to leave someone who you have shared so much of your life with...
the one thing i learned is that it does not matter how much you love them or they love you...they have to want to change their behavior and sometimes need professional help to do that....
he was heavily into pot smoking...sometimes all day long...and he always got the kind of jobs where he could smoke and it was accepted....restauants, bike shops, skateboard shops..he is very smart but lost his ambition and i know it was the pot...which i do not use...
the thing that finally got me to move on was that he started using cocaine and hiding it from me....this was the thing i was most afraid of because he was getting into more serious drugs...so to protect myself i moved on with love....and am doing so much better now that i am alone.
you are stronger than you think....do not stay in a harmful relationship out of fear...you will never know how good things can be if you dont try to make a change...
he will not change while you are with him and he may change if you leave and shake him up about where his life is going...but do it for yourself...not to manipulate him into doing something.
good luck and let us know how you are doing....
Edited 7/9/2005 3:34 pm ET ET by unknownname
that is great your guy has his degree but not much good if he is not using it....it sounds like you are not ready to leave yet...so now you must protect yourself...have a serious talk with him about specific things you would like to see change...then give him a time frame in which to do them...
this does not have to be an argument...do it at a time when you are both calm...explain to him how his behavior hurts you...and tell him if it starts again you will have no choice but to leave.....you may want to suggest some professional help for him
just remember....it is next to impossible to have a true loving relationship with someone who has a relationship with drugs or alcohol....you will always come in second place....the first relationship they have is with the drug...
good luck and stay strong.....
Please think hard about why you think pot is OK... my dad started out with pot... and OD'd on heroin 7 yrs later when I was only 3 yrs old... using pot is not a victimless crime... now off my soap box...
you are in a tough situation... you are going to have to decide what is best for you... maybe ask yourself some questions... like:
Do I believe this is the best I deserve?
Is it healthy for me to stay in this realtionship?
If he doesn't ever change, is this enough?
Does he have my complete trust? (without trust there isn't a relationship anyway)
Am I willing to continue supporting him?
What do I want and need out of this relationship?
Good luck with your decision... sometimes there is no way to avoid hurting someone... but you have to care about yourself enough to let go if that's what needs to be done.
MELISSA
First years there was always the shadow of his ex then that got better. He used to smoke pot alll the time, so i did it too, i don't think it's such a harmfull thing either, but now that i'm not using it i feel so much better and focused so...He was verbally abusive as to calling me fat, saying i have a horrible cellulite, etc. I'm 5'6' 108 pounds, so not fat at all really, but he made feel it. I always was the financial stable one, he was always the irresponsible one. He loved hanging out w/ his friends, more so than being w/ me i believe. In those 6 years some things got better, but then i realized they were like cycles: he would be so loving and wonderful and then a jerk and then loving and then a jerk and so on. All those years the doubts litterally ate me up: why do i stay when i'm not happy? why can't i see he never really changes?, etc. I ended up being depressive, abusing diet pills (to be thin for him, maybe then he would change??), etc., etc.
On the other side he was funny, intelligent, talented, good in bed, etc. He was like a drug to me, i just couldn't leave him. Then when he said he was confused, needed time, bla, bla, bla that was my breaking point, my eye opener then and only then i could go on and don't come back. I know how difficult it is to make that decission, i had to go through that in order to see things clear. But don't expect his change to last really, they don't change ever. I'm working on being strong not contacting him etc, it is hard, but for me, it's for the better.
I hope u can make the right decission.
Hugs.
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