Anyone been through this????
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| Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:59am |
have any of you experienced a situation where you have lived with and loved someone for 3+ years but are incredibly unsure of whether to stay in or end your relationship? We have DEFINITELY had our ups and downs, he was essentially verbally abusvie for a while (he's tamed down drastically, but who knows if it will start again?), and I put up with it. Then there was the internet relationships, the secret visit w/the ex (but nothing actually "happened"), the porn, the financial dependency on me, etc. Those are all things he has done. Anyway----all of that seems to have ended now or he is at least much better at hiding it. Part of me thinks he woke up and realized he didn't want to lose me after I briefly moved out and really HAS stopped that kind of stuff.
Me, I don't know why I never really left after any of those incidents, but call me weak I guess. So, now, I am faced with the dilemma of what to do. Its like I just can NOT leave him. Right now, and for the past few weeks, he has been nothing but incredibly super duper sweet to me, always telling me he loves me, anxiously awaiting my arrival home from work (ironically, he once again is out of a job but "should" have one lined up pretty soon-a lot of jobs in this town are seasonal and that is why). He is constantly asking me about what i want to do after we leave here, when we get married, etc. I never know how to respond (because i am terrified of expressing my true feelings), and make jokes about how we can't get married now because he does not have any money, etc.
Point is, my life is INCREDIBLY intertwined with his, and I am so scared of losing what we have but deep down I think maybe its not right. But then again, maybe it is? I can't stop thinking of the "what-ifs." Nor can I bear losing the dog, who is originally his. To some this may all sound materialistic, but to me I can't fathom losing everything (i know, i know, after a divorce it would be 10trillion times worse). We share EVERYTHING-even though technically I have bought more stuff (the car is mine, but he sold his and contributed a bit to my car), the computer is mine-but he uses it WAYYYYYYYYYYYY more, all the furniture-some of that WAS actually split, so who knows, etc. And all of our joint friends-its as if I don't know how to deal whatsoever. Plus, I am the one with a fairly decent job here (small town) and so I do not know how to "move on" if we are both living here. And I don't know if I can handle the depression of not being with him.
How do you make these answers? Oh, and I feel like i have only addressed his flaws. He is a wonderful person-very smart, funny, charming, and as I said, can be incredibly sweet. At the same time, that same level of sweetness can be the extreme opposite when he loses his temper. And, he smokes a ton of pot which is fine, but I sometimes wonder if that promotes his laziness and/or he winds up spending money he owes me on that, but then if i ever smoke (which is not often) he comes back to me with "well, you smoke too."
Anyone with any experiences or wise thoughts? It is something I think about CONSTANTLY all day long but then I go home and he wants to be all lovey-dovey cuddly and I so I can't bear to bring up an uncomfortable topic. And, I fear that he will hate me, which I can't handle after 3 years of being inseparable. I really, really appreciate those who respond!!!! Thank you!!!
Edited 7/9/2005 3:31 pm ET ET by unknownname

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Hi and thank you to everyone who responded. Its really getting tough....my bf couldn't be sweeter/nicer lately. Its weird.
Leslie-how did things go when you broke up? How did you finally say that you were moving out? How did you feel, what was going on in your relationship at the time? sorry for all the questions, but I feel as though i need to see things through before i make a decision. And i'm sooooooooo scared of hurting him and/or losing something that could be the best thing. I mean, don't all relationships have doubts?
"cutting loose - why women who end their marriages do so well". it's inspiring, even to those of us who weren't married but were in serious dating relationships like the one the original poster describes.
Celebrating my life!!!!!
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