Anyone been through this????

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Anyone been through this????
17
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:59am

have any of you experienced a situation where you have lived with and loved someone for 3+ years but are incredibly unsure of whether to stay in or end your relationship? We have DEFINITELY had our ups and downs, he was essentially verbally abusvie for a while (he's tamed down drastically, but who knows if it will start again?), and I put up with it. Then there was the internet relationships, the secret visit w/the ex (but nothing actually "happened"), the porn, the financial dependency on me, etc. Those are all things he has done. Anyway----all of that seems to have ended now or he is at least much better at hiding it. Part of me thinks he woke up and realized he didn't want to lose me after I briefly moved out and really HAS stopped that kind of stuff.

Me, I don't know why I never really left after any of those incidents, but call me weak I guess. So, now, I am faced with the dilemma of what to do. Its like I just can NOT leave him. Right now, and for the past few weeks, he has been nothing but incredibly super duper sweet to me, always telling me he loves me, anxiously awaiting my arrival home from work (ironically, he once again is out of a job but "should" have one lined up pretty soon-a lot of jobs in this town are seasonal and that is why). He is constantly asking me about what i want to do after we leave here, when we get married, etc. I never know how to respond (because i am terrified of expressing my true feelings), and make jokes about how we can't get married now because he does not have any money, etc.

Point is, my life is INCREDIBLY intertwined with his, and I am so scared of losing what we have but deep down I think maybe its not right. But then again, maybe it is? I can't stop thinking of the "what-ifs." Nor can I bear losing the dog, who is originally his. To some this may all sound materialistic, but to me I can't fathom losing everything (i know, i know, after a divorce it would be 10trillion times worse). We share EVERYTHING-even though technically I have bought more stuff (the car is mine, but he sold his and contributed a bit to my car), the computer is mine-but he uses it WAYYYYYYYYYYYY more, all the furniture-some of that WAS actually split, so who knows, etc. And all of our joint friends-its as if I don't know how to deal whatsoever. Plus, I am the one with a fairly decent job here (small town) and so I do not know how to "move on" if we are both living here. And I don't know if I can handle the depression of not being with him.

How do you make these answers? Oh, and I feel like i have only addressed his flaws. He is a wonderful person-very smart, funny, charming, and as I said, can be incredibly sweet. At the same time, that same level of sweetness can be the extreme opposite when he loses his temper. And, he smokes a ton of pot which is fine, but I sometimes wonder if that promotes his laziness and/or he winds up spending money he owes me on that, but then if i ever smoke (which is not often) he comes back to me with "well, you smoke too."

Anyone with any experiences or wise thoughts? It is something I think about CONSTANTLY all day long but then I go home and he wants to be all lovey-dovey cuddly and I so I can't bear to bring up an uncomfortable topic. And, I fear that he will hate me, which I can't handle after 3 years of being inseparable. I really, really appreciate those who respond!!!! Thank you!!!




Edited 7/9/2005 3:31 pm ET ET by unknownname

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 12:58pm
I have just recently broken things off with my boyfriend of 5+ years. We had lived to gether for over two. It's not easy - but if you are having doubts now - just think of how much worse it can get. Weight the pros and cons. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be? I spent months deliberating if it was the right thing for me to do. Everything was so safe in the relationship, how could I leave it? I made the decision to move out (without breaking up). Needless to say, the breakup came only 3 weeks after I was on my own. It takes a long time to figure things out. But take the time to do it, because if you don't, you may regret it later. As things stand, I have no regrets. I'm confident that I made the right decision. Whatever your decision may be, you have to be sure it will be the right one for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 2:25pm

Hi and thank you to everyone who responded. Its really getting tough....my bf couldn't be sweeter/nicer lately. Its weird.

Leslie-how did things go when you broke up? How did you finally say that you were moving out? How did you feel, what was going on in your relationship at the time? sorry for all the questions, but I feel as though i need to see things through before i make a decision. And i'm sooooooooo scared of hurting him and/or losing something that could be the best thing. I mean, don't all relationships have doubts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 10:30pm
I'm actually going through almost the same type of situation you are except I've only been dating my boyfriend for 8 months. He's been in and out of jobs, constantly tells me that he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me or anyone else and then turns around and says lets keep trying, I'm the financial provider 100%, I'm not allowed to go out with my friends, he's constantly asking what phone numbers are what and why I called them and how long I talked to them (on my cell phone). He has more access to my phone than I do. I'm not allowed to talk to guys, even guys I've known for years. I know exactly what your going through and am also searching for a way out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:27pm
I am reading this and I am reading my own life, except that my bf is not hook up on porn, but he did the internet realtionship on the side (he does not do drugs either). He verbally abuse me , I have become physically abusive. Even the police has been involved. I dont think I love him anymore. The only reason I dont leave is because I would hate to move out of my apartment. At least till the lease is over. But besides that I just cant stand him anymore. He is cruel and mean. But now i have losing a lot of weight and I dye my hair and people tells me that I look better. I want to look spectacular so he can see what he is losing, but I dont want to be with him anymore. I feel peaceful by myself. And happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 5:55pm
see-my boyfriend i know WANTS to be in this relationship. At least i think he does....but we've been LIVING together for 3 years! And i honestly don't know if i want to end it or not, but i feel like if i've been thinking about it for this long then i probably should...it just sucks feeling this way. and then when he is wonderful it is so hard to think of when he isn't. and maybe he IS the right one for me, but i don't know. maybe he can change, but maybe he won't. what are you guys going to do????
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 6:27pm
check out the book

"cutting loose - why women who end their marriages do so well". it's inspiring, even to those of us who weren't married but were in serious dating relationships like the one the original poster describes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:03pm
Sometimes I jsut want to tell him "let give it another try" and is the routine talking for me. If you decide to leave remain strong in your desicion. It's over. When that happens to me I remember all the times he called me stupid, good for nothing, all the times that I did so many things for him and he does not even say thanks. I remember his mean comments about other women compared to me. And I get really mad. He has not talked to me since I told him yesterday " dont beg me anymore is over!" I am not going to talk to him; is over ; is over . I am finally free!!!!!!!!!

Celebrating my life!!!!!

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