Anyone else?
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Anyone else?
| Wed, 05-02-2007 - 11:53am |
Does anyone else worry about the things that I do? For instance, since we're not talking I'm worried that he's going to meet someone new. Since we live together (and even if we didn't, we have mutual friends)I see what he's doing even if I don't want to. I'm worried he's going to meet some sleek beautiful girl like he dated before. It makes me feel bad on so many levels. One, I lost a good 90 pounds so naturally I have lose skin on my stomach. I also have very sensitive skin and if there's is any soap in the clothes (I always second rinse but sometimes there's residue) left I break out. So I've had two instances where I broke out on my chest and three on my back (by break out I mean one blemish, but I never see this on any other girls). I know he saw this because we live together and we have sex. I've tried to hide it on all of the occasions by wearing a shirt and covering with makeup. But as you all now you can't always predict which way you're going to be flipped or what articles of clothing will stay on in the heat of the moment. Anyway I try to tell myself that with the right guy that wouldn't matter, he would think I'm beautiful regardless. Everyone has flaws right? The truth is that I'm just not one of those girls: I can never get my hair just right, I don't have the clothes and I can never seem to get the effortlessly thrown together perfect look like the other girls he's dated. If he were to date another one of those girls now I would feel badly because of the way I look in comparison. The way i KNOW he prefers. On top of that I would feel horrible because he has said that he's changing and no longer wants me in his life. I would have to watch him with this girl that he DOES want. I can understand if we don't work as a couple or if he finds me too emotional to relate. But, the fact that he doesn't care enough to treat me like the person that's always been there for any little favor or ANYTHING, makes me so angry I could throw up and I NEVER throw up. He would be talking and giggling with this total stranger. Something he refuses to do with me because I didn't react well when he said we can't hang out anymore. So I can't even sleep because I spend all my time obsessing over the fact that I should have lost more weight. I could have tried harder and then at least he'd still be attracted to me. At least, when a new girl came in I would be able to stand there confidantly. I'm just the thick roommate. The one without a tan, without great hair. The one that looks and dresses like a tomboy. Why did he spend all this time with me? I'm not his type. Now I have to watch him go off with his type. This won't necessarily happen because at this point he says he doesn't want to be close to anyone and anytime there's a dating show on he scoffs. He said the only thing he likes to do with girls is have sex and that was the problem with his last girlfriend because she noticed. So on top of my obsession with this: one of our mutual friends is in a play. I know he won't want to go with me. If we go seperately it will look wierd, especially to my caddy ex-girlfriends that delight in this kind of drama. If he brings a date it will be a non-stop series of calls to me asking innocently: "so, what's going on?" Like I said, even if I move out I'll still see him and this will still be an issue. How do I handle this? Does anyone else have these insecurities? Does anyone else feel like they just don't measure up to other girls? Should I worry that he's talking to these other girls and has exed me out completely? How do I get past these feelings? I'm going crazy.

You get past the feelings by finding a good counselor and working very hard with him or her. Yes, I used to have similar insecurities but not any more--and it's because I've done the work.
I'm very concerned for you that your life seems to be all about HIM and not at all about YOU.
And no, having mutual friends does NOT mean you have to see him--you can make arrangements with your friends to not go to things that he will be at for a while, until you are well on your way to being over him. People who are truly your friends will understand why you need to do that, and be fine with it.
Working with a therapist and healing your self-esteem will also allow you to not give a rat's ass about what your catty ex-friends think if you don't go to the play with him.
Honey, you really, really, really, should seriously consider doing two things:
1. Get the
Sweetie, what do YOU think? You are concerned about what he thinks, what the other girls think, what your friends think....what do you think? That is really all that matters here. We all get blemishes, we all have insecurites, even the "other" girls you speak of that he likes have insecurties, they just don't show it to the world. That is what you need to work on. You are not a blemish from fabric softener, you are a person who has thousands of good qualites.
You lost 90 pounds! Thats fantastic and no small feat. If you want to loose more weight - go for it! Celebrate it but do it for you and not for some guy and new Barbie girlfriend. We all have times that we beat ourselves up but don't live in that constant world. I think a therapist would help too. I went to one and sometimes it just helps to hear yourself vocalize these insecurities out loud to another person. When you say it you start to hear how ridiculous these self loating thoughts sound and how much you really don't believe them.
Oh and one more thing - physical "beauty" is not necessarily thin and blond. Its everything but one thing that men are most attracted to above all else - confidence. Work on your self confidence!
Edited 5/2/2007 1:31 pm ET by sun14
Hi civiljenna,
Some of what you are worrying about is normal for the place you are at, however, if that is where your focus is, that is where the focus will expand and you won't get out of that place.
Please, please, please get some help.
Yikes, that counselor sounds awful! You have to look hard to find a good one, but it's very worth it. I know it's hard to prioritize your mental and emotional health if you're strapped for cash, but honestly, without it, you don't have much, IMO.
What I would suggest is that you stay on the waiting list at school and in the meantime, find CODA meetings in your area (Co-Dependents Anonymous) and start going as often as you can. They don't cost anything (contributions are voluntary--most people put in a dollar or two). Save your $$ for when you finally get off the waiting list and/or spend the time looking for a good counselor who will work on a sliding scale. It's like dating in a way--you have to kiss some frogs before you find someone who's a good fit. I found my first counselor through a referral from my doctor so that's something to consider.
And what are you doing to change your living situation? Maybe you could save some $$ there.
Sheri
As soon as someone says, "yeah, but..." they've already pretty much made up their minds.