Anyone Else Feeling This Way ?
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| Tue, 06-28-2005 - 8:46am |
I came to this board 3 years ago and received the support I needed after a break up.
I discovered my ex Fiance was ultimately a committmentphobic. His disappearing acts, abrupt personality changes and moving out one month before taking our vows has caused me to totally rethink this relationship thing & the rollercoaster ride we all endure because of them.
I often return to this board to validate my decision - Please don't get me wrong. I am not just another bitter woman who's been left behind tearful & heartbroken. I've healed and picked up the pieces each time, life goes on. I'm very cautious going into relationships (always have been) thanks to you guys, the above breakup caught me by surprise. The advice and sharing of your experiences alike kept me sane.
Back on my feet - stronger, wiser and whole again...I just said no more! It's not worth the torture and unrest - the lies, the inconsiderations, the selfishness?
I've gained peace of mind, emotional stability and a genuine wholeness of...(of me)
I've been celibate for nearly 3 yrs - even this comes with it's own set of benefits believe it or not.
I still love the thought of sex, being in love, companionship etc, one day; But right now - until LOVE, committment returns to what our grandparents and their parents before them experienced - I refuse to participate!! Are there any more lurkers out there like me? Anyone else supporting the idea of STOPPING THE MADDNESS for the sake of change?
Anyways, I thought this was funny. I applaude us for getting our own saying:
Men say, "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?"
Women now have a saying too, "Why buy the entire Pig, just to get a little sausage?"
Moet

moet,
i was on the boards about a year and a half ago and they helped me tremendously. i haven't had a serious relationship in 2 years, but i haven't been celibate either. i've been in the dating game, online, etc., trying to find someone. but lately i've been feeling like i don't want to "try" anymore. to get myself together (whatever that means) and not subject myself to the stress and disappointment of dating. i want to leave it to the fates to bring someone across my path when i'm ready, but then again, i'm 37 and don't know if this will happen. i just ended a 6-week relationship with wonderful guy who i just wasn't "feeling it" for, but it's made me second-guess myself, examine my patterns, worry about the future, etc. as for the lurking, i haven't been back to the boards in a while, but coming back here recently reminds me of how far i've come since the breakup. and makes me fear being heart-broken again...
anyway, i can see myself echoed in your words. i'd love to hear more about how you've gotten yourself in a better place....
neppi
Me too Moet! I applaude you! I'm 2 mos. into my break-up and feel like I'm no stronger than day 1! Well, ok, maybe a little because I don't cry ALL the time. Going to a therapist and trying to make sense of everything, mostly me. But any advice on how to speed up the healing process or help myself feel whole again would be very much appreciated : )
Still broken : ( - ka1964
I'm no expert - but I dare say that the healing process would be the first priority...
I agree with most of the methods mentioned on this board. No contact, involving yourself with a favorite activity, seeking support from friends/family. Secondly look deep and honestly at yourself. Those lonely moments when it's just you and your dilema/ despair can actually become a beneficial insight into your 'raw self'. This ground level opportunity never surfaces when all is well.
Most of us find difficulty in embracing who we truly are (THE REAL YOU) - if you're seeing certain aspects about youself you don't particularly care for, begin making some inward changes. This is not always easy. Developing a solid, confident, whole self...comes with really accepting that having a partner is solely YOUR choice. It doesn't complete you, It doesn't make you whole - Having a partner is a 'BONUS' to your already achieving your best life. It's amazing having this simple concept intact opens the door to unbelieveable contentment on any level.
One more thing, I chose abstinence because, like some many others, I was unable to separate intimacy with expecting committment, one of many inward discoveries while searching my raw self. It is human nature to desire love and offer love as well...however, we don't have to be in a consistent state of brokenness to gain or maintain love.
It is my prayer that your endeavor for contentment, happiness and a fulfilled life will begin first within yourselves.
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Moet
this is all true -- and very wise. it's easy to lose sight of this goal when you meet someone new too. it's so important, otherwise you're on the merry-go-round of bad, unequal relationships, and yet so many people rely on relationships to feel better about themselves. just curious -- are you in therapy or have you been? i was a few years ago and i'm thinking about starting again.
neppi