Apologies and "space"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Apologies and "space"
2
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:30am

So, thank you to all who listened to my ramblings and calmed me down this week (Sandra, Twinflame). The advice really helped. After emotionally purging my apologies via offline IMs to my BF (I tend to be the type that has to keep explaining everything and throw out that "one more thing"), I read and reread the Zen of Doing Nothing and When He Asks For Space posts (or whatever it's titled) and it really helped. I vowed to say no more, do no more until HE was ready. I changed his name in my phone to "Do NOT Write" (as we tend to chat a lot by text when not together) and stuck with it all the way through one of my favorite holidays (4th). It was hard, but I also read "Thought Stopping".

Can I just say all of the advice worked wonders. I was able to center myself, go out and have a good time and quit dwelling, and low and behold, after just 4 days, he contacted ME. He hadn't been home for a couple of days, but when he read my IMs and had already had a little time to be away and distracted (so TRUE, at least with my man, that rather than dwell, men prefer to get away. This does NOT mean they aren't thinking of you/missing you, but they are coping in a different way.), he was ready to dip a toe back in. He suggested getting together. Sandra, you'll love this...I hemmed and hawed about it, not sure if it was "too soon" and not wanting to continue the tension, thinking maybe we should take more time, I needed to think things over, etc. Then I slapped myself, said "DUH, you WANT to repair damage, he is offering an olive branch, stop thinking so damned much and just GO WITH IT". He noticed my hesitation via IM, and was proud when I finally just decided to be spontanous.

We ended up having a nice night together, we caught up, cooked together, relaxed, and he ended up spending the night. I insisted before he came that we would do NO talking about issues or anything deep because we were both emotionally spent (in addition to our issues, we have each been dealing with big family stressors at the same time), but that we could do so soon, maybe next week, and figure out where to go from here. I felt we needed to remember what we like about eachother first and just have a relaxed, good time. This weekend he will probably be leaving town, and regardless, I am keeping the plans I made with friends, so I probably won't see him again until Tuesday at the earliest, but I'm good with that, and happy to be doing my own thing without the tension of no contact "space" (even though we're treading lightly and still have things to think about/talk about). One day at a time. I think while he's gone and for a while, I will leave contact to him and get busy doing my own thing. As Sandra says, he needs TIME to miss me and I should give it to him. So I am.

Thank you again. I really needed the support. And, ladies, listen to your CLs. They know stuff. Haha.

Michelle :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 12:01am

Wasn't sure if you saw this, Sandra, but wanted to update you and say thanks yet again for calming me. I followed your advice (eventually ;) and it worked. I always feel much better when I get in touch with my rational brain and stop the madness of irrational drama that invades every now and then and you seem to always know how to help me do that.

I purchased a few new books about positive thinking, and, you'll love this "Women Who Think Too Much". B laughed when I told him the title. We'll see how it is, but even in skimming, I gained something. I am making the connection about how our thoughts influence our mood and making sweeping generalizations about anyone when we are in a negative mood is just dumb. I realize I keep doing that with B and then end up thinking we're doomed (until I'm in a better mood and then can see his great qualities again). I need to stabilize ME before we can stabilize US. Just need to keep feeding my brain the RIGHT info instead of the insecure baggage lady talking (haha, my own internal bag lady!).

We have spent the last few days together and it's been nice. We talked out some things calmly and it felt good to get some stuff out. Our focus now is on treating eachother with the kindness we displayed in the beginning and honoring the friendship that we started with so we can recall what it was we fell for in the first place and not dwell on the things we don't like. He's off to a boys weekend and I have various plans with my various girls that I'm looking forward to. And I'm thinking about doing some volunteer work, and my job starts up again next week, so hopefully I'll be too busy to overanalyze!

Anyway, thanks to you, and your co-CL, for the pep talks. I needed them!

Michelle :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 1:36pm

Hey Michelle, glad to hear major crisis was averted ;)

....."I am making the connection about how our thoughts influence our mood and making sweeping generalizations about anyone when we are in a negative mood is just dumb."..... Amazing how that works. ;-)

I'm going to have to check out that book you mentioned, apparently I could use it. I was talking with Drummer yesterday morning, and his response to one of my concerns? "You think too much about things, Sandra." Me. The one who says get out of your head and get into the moment. I don't think you can have too much practice doing that ;)

Sounds like a great weekend coming up, enjoy it!

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