Approaching week 5 of NO CONTACT
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 03-16-2007 - 9:27pm |
Hi All,
I'm approaching week 5 of NO CONTACT. Those of you who've followed my story can see the various insights and revelations. There was shock, denial, depression, bargaining, acceptance---all the stages of grief.
But because I am recovering from what bears the hallmarks of a Commitmentphobic relationship where my ex gf slowly pulled away until she jumped into another "serious" relationship while still being connected to me through a "friendship" left me hurt, confused and angry.
We had 3 weeks of email exchanges on my feelings and her reactions to my emails but no real insights or attempts at reconcilliation.
Finally I wrote "Goodbye" and have not made any overtures. I saw her on Tuesday and left. Thursday I got a 2 line email forwarding a concert flyer with a note saying "you don't have to ignore me, am I now worthy of being seen?" Friday I got another 'fyi' with more details forwarded on that concert and some discount tickets.
I've held firm and see that these are not attempts at reconcilliation but rather text-book/classic signs of Commitmentphobic "curtain calls" as decribed in Steven Carter's book "He's Scared, She's Scared".
Many of you who followed my posts but are not familiar with this relationship dynamic might question this and say "Why are you being so mean, she's just being friendly..."
But it's NOT "friendly" or "helpful"...she's trying to keep a connection while still maintaining a new relationship with a new guy.
It's emotionally dishonest. Face it....if you were that NEW GUY and you found out your new gf was still sending her "ex bf" emails of any kind, how would you feel? Uneasy? Insecure? She would simply blow you off saying "don't be silly, we broke up, he doesn't want what I want..." But then....why stay in touch? Why tell him about performances of music that you two once shared?
It's important to see that we as the "victims" are not always so innocent. Something in us compelled us to stay involved with these conflicted ambivalent people. Something in us drew us into their chaos and drama because it made us feel needed, it made us feel important we were the "fixers" and so we cannot understand how this person could move on so quickly?
Acceptance and letting go are not easy. To respond to a chatty "hello" email like that ignores the fact that the week prior she was telling you a relationship with you was "hopeless".
Why the change? Theses conflicted individuals can't commit to breaking up as much as they can commit to staying together. It's a painful push/pull dynamic.
On a more practical level. Someone who breaks up with you once isn't going to change their pattern---why would they if they know they can have you back again?
That's the rub, the Catch-22, these people who we loved so much and so deeply and for whom we pine away about can only love us if they're not with us. The dynamic is too complex to fully comprehend suffice to say that once you recognize the patterns you can start to work towards being more self-protective.
The work I've done is to write in my journal. To vent here, to offer insights to others. I tell people it's over, I ignore her overtures and places she might go. I do all this NOT to punish her or make her MISS ME. I do this so that I can fully disconnect from this conflicted individual.
She's not mean, if she was how could I have been with her for so long? It's not just her either, something in my psyche needs examining and that too can only be done from a safe distance and fully disconnected. Clarity is a step towards healing.
For all of you who are struggling and working on NO CONTACT I will be your biggest cheerleader and hope you too can find that higher plane of inner peace to move on.

Pages
Wow, I didn't realize you hadn't had any contact with her for that long--I thought you were just in touch recently? I guess I'm confused about the timeline with the two of you, but in any event, good for you.
I really think blocking her from emailing you needs to be your next step though, if you haven't done so already. She's obviously not respecting your request to not be in touch, so in order to move on, you need to everything you can to prevent her from contacting you (because if you end up writing back to her in a moment of weakness, regardless of who initiated, that's still contact, and it will set you back. Personally I find it a lot easier to ignore emails that I don't see, KWIM?).
Sheri
Thanks Sheri,
It's been 5 weeks since we've spoken face to face. I did have email contact for 4 weeks which while somewhat removed slowed down recovery. For ZERO, NADA NO CONTACT it's been 1 week...But I have seen her at the gym and my club. No totally escaping but to readers, I wouldn't recommend doing what I did, I'd recommend ZERO contact from the start.
I think one week of no contact is a lot. That's my goal. I just finished one day and it was awful. I don't have the problem of running into my ex because we live in different cites. It is nice to see a guy having the same struggles, although I'm sorry that you're in pain and dealingwith this. I think we gals assume it's just us who feels the pain of breakups and roller coaster relationships.
I understand what you're saying. She's not sure she's closed on the new car, so she'd better keep the old one parked in the garage for back up. That's emotional abuse, IMHO. Keeping you kind of the line in case she might need you whent things tank with the old one. That has to make you feel like crap. You have to realize that you deserve someone's full, complete devotion and attention. Anyone that gives you less than that doesn't deserve the time of day, or any kind of communication with you. Now if I can just listen to my own advice. . .
hi!
Thanks for the reply...."nice" to see a guy struggling? hahaha Not sure "nice" is the right word, but I get your drift.
Today I went out on a date with a friend of mine to a film festival. Afterwards, we parted company and I went to our dance club to wish a friend of mine a happy birthday.
Guess who's there? Alone? Right...my ex...Isn't Saturday night the time to spend with your "Serious" bf? I was all set to stay...but saw "HER".
But I wished my friend a happy birthday, danced a set, then discretely put my street shoes on and left.
I said I have a flight tomorrow morning to my friend which is true. Normally I don't lie and say "It's because SHE is there, but in this case it was the girl's birthday and I don't want to be a jerk and drag other people into MY issue."
It is MY issue. I feel like crap seeing my ex. I don't make a scene. I just leave. I'm sure she saw me, I think she was trying to get my attention because someone kicked me but I didn't look.
All so silly I think but I'd love to be able to go and not let it matter.
But right now I feel 1) Angry that she didn't try to seriously work it out 2) Angry and hurt that she jumped into another relationship 3) Confused by her actions in trying to get my attention but not addressing my hurt or the relationship 4) A piece of me wants to reconcile, but I know it's OVER and thoughts of a reunion are just fantasies that I need to purge.
I'm committed that it's over. I tell people who need to know or ask that it's over. I have not contacted her or responded to her "friendly" emails and I'm committed to getting better.
But it just feels horrible. I had a nice night, then I see her and I have an adrenaline rush of anger and mixed emotions and figure I don't want to be that guy who says something stupid, hurtful, embarrasing or inappropriate in a heat of the moment knee-jerk reaction and ends up making himself look bad.
I put myself in the CP's shoes. If I had broken up with a girl I'd been seeing for 18 months and she'd told me she was hurt by that and said "Goodbye". And then I started sending her "friendly" emails...and she ignored me I would 1) Wonder what's up? 2) probably think about the reasons why 3) possibly miss her more 4) possibly get more anxious.
But if I was that guy and I wrote the "friendly" "Thought you might be interested in this concert" email and some girl I'd left wrote "STOP WRITING". I'd feel 1) relieved I was no longer with someone so rude and angry 2) relieved that she still thinks of me.
So people reading this post thinking about responding to your ex's outreach...DONT DO IT. Write your thoughts here, ramble, complain, whatever, but DON"T RESPOND TO HIM/HER. It will not be worth it.
I'm feeling hurt, but not nearly as confused or bad as if I'd actually talked or written to her.
Cheers!
It must be so hard knowing that she jumped to another relationship. Although, in one way I think that if I knew ex-BF was with someone else I would have an easier time being committed to not reconciling. I still have (stupid, ridiculous) hopes that he will magically change and be a nice person and we'll live happily ever after.
I've been telling everyone that I'm committed to this being over,too. I hope that will keep me honest and on track about no contact.
Funny -- our fight had to do with a concert too. That's the big thing that we've always done and I'll miss that. It's hard to find anyone my age who is into jam bands . . . but that's the totally wrong train of thought.
I'm looking at my phone. One day at a time with no contact.
Yes, one day at a time...
You've got to find something to fill that time with that's interesting and with people who may not know your situation who won't be inclined to feel sorry for you. I think it's a good idea to get out and mingle and not stay in.
I'm doing that....but when I go to my dance club on Tuesday...and she's there...I leave. Then I went Thursday...and it was great...she didn't go and I had a great time.
Now she's here again... 5 weeks ago when we were still talking and hanging out, I asked her why she hadn't been going dancing. That's when she dropped the bombshell about "Because serious bf...etc etc..."
So now...5 weeks later...after I stop emailing her...she's suddenly back dancing twice a week???
I'd go crazy trying to figure out if there's any meaning to that...and with her, I'm sure there is...she's go some mood disorder. When we were going out, I'd have to beg to get her to go out on a Saturday night...now...????
Go figure....
But I"m going away on a seminar for a few days and won't be around Tuesday...so that should give me a good mental disconnect.
Please also remind me why it would be a thoroughly bad idea to talk to her if she ever came by to say "Hi".
I have these kinds of thoughts of saying "Where's your boyfriend??" And until I stop having that stupid fantasy, I need to leave....because I might just say it...and then look llike a petty, mean, stupid guy...not the kind of guy anyone would want to be with. And I'm NOT that guy....
Again...I ramble...just to get this out of my system. Thanks for listening.
I'll listen anytime -- after all I have nothing else to do now. I'm actually smiling, that just sounded pathetic.
Yeah -- don't talk to her, don't talk to her about the new BF. I am SO glad, I don't have to chance running into mine. He owns two bars and I keep thinking about how much fun everyone will be having at both of them tonight for St. Paddy's Day. Argh.
That's OK, I'll go to a better bar. So there.
Delete his number so you're not tempted to have a few green beers and call. I deleted her number immediately after the bombshell so i wouldn't be tempted to call her.
There have been times I've wanted to, but I can't find it...so the urge passes.
I know the numbers by heart, so it won't help. I'm going to give my phone to my friends this evening. Although if they get a few beers in 'em they may call him and tell him that he's a jerk. I did change his id to "Not Worth It" following advice on some other thread on this site. I'm pretty committed to no contact. I want him to call me so that I can not answer. Again, pathetic.
Hey, I recognize your username from the other board. I'm sorry that you're going through this but I do think it's for the best given the issues the two of you had. I don't want to hijack walawala's post--but what happened to change your mind about giving him another chance? You can email me through my profile if you prefer.
Sheri
Pages