Approaching week 5 of NO CONTACT

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Approaching week 5 of NO CONTACT
13
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 9:27pm

Hi All,

I'm approaching week 5 of NO CONTACT. Those of you who've followed my story can see the various insights and revelations. There was shock, denial, depression, bargaining, acceptance---all the stages of grief.

But because I am recovering from what bears the hallmarks of a Commitmentphobic relationship where my ex gf slowly pulled away until she jumped into another "serious" relationship while still being connected to me through a "friendship" left me hurt, confused and angry.

We had 3 weeks of email exchanges on my feelings and her reactions to my emails but no real insights or attempts at reconcilliation.

Finally I wrote "Goodbye" and have not made any overtures. I saw her on Tuesday and left. Thursday I got a 2 line email forwarding a concert flyer with a note saying "you don't have to ignore me, am I now worthy of being seen?" Friday I got another 'fyi' with more details forwarded on that concert and some discount tickets.

I've held firm and see that these are not attempts at reconcilliation but rather text-book/classic signs of Commitmentphobic "curtain calls" as decribed in Steven Carter's book "He's Scared, She's Scared".

Many of you who followed my posts but are not familiar with this relationship dynamic might question this and say "Why are you being so mean, she's just being friendly..."

But it's NOT "friendly" or "helpful"...she's trying to keep a connection while still maintaining a new relationship with a new guy.

It's emotionally dishonest. Face it....if you were that NEW GUY and you found out your new gf was still sending her "ex bf" emails of any kind, how would you feel? Uneasy? Insecure? She would simply blow you off saying "don't be silly, we broke up, he doesn't want what I want..." But then....why stay in touch? Why tell him about performances of music that you two once shared?

It's important to see that we as the "victims" are not always so innocent. Something in us compelled us to stay involved with these conflicted ambivalent people. Something in us drew us into their chaos and drama because it made us feel needed, it made us feel important we were the "fixers" and so we cannot understand how this person could move on so quickly?

Acceptance and letting go are not easy. To respond to a chatty "hello" email like that ignores the fact that the week prior she was telling you a relationship with you was "hopeless".

Why the change? Theses conflicted individuals can't commit to breaking up as much as they can commit to staying together. It's a painful push/pull dynamic.

On a more practical level. Someone who breaks up with you once isn't going to change their pattern---why would they if they know they can have you back again?

That's the rub, the Catch-22, these people who we loved so much and so deeply and for whom we pine away about can only love us if they're not with us. The dynamic is too complex to fully comprehend suffice to say that once you recognize the patterns you can start to work towards being more self-protective.

The work I've done is to write in my journal. To vent here, to offer insights to others. I tell people it's over, I ignore her overtures and places she might go. I do all this NOT to punish her or make her MISS ME. I do this so that I can fully disconnect from this conflicted individual.

She's not mean, if she was how could I have been with her for so long? It's not just her either, something in my psyche needs examining and that too can only be done from a safe distance and fully disconnected. Clarity is a step towards healing.

For all of you who are struggling and working on NO CONTACT I will be your biggest cheerleader and hope you too can find that higher plane of inner peace to move on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 1:23pm

Hi Sheri --

Sorry to hijack too. I gave him another chance. I took "The Agreement" from Patricia Evans' book "The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" after talking to Patricia Evans about the whole situation. He happily signed it last Saturday. On Thursday we had a big blow-up over something stupid and he completely violated the agreement, was very verbally abusive and broke up with me. I'm quite sure he'll call sometime this week and act like nothing happened. Which is why I'm committed to no contact. I gave him a last chance and he blew it in less than a week. I'm soo sad, but also resolved to be done. I am one of the easiest people to get along with that you'd ever know (according to my friends and family). If he can't get along with and be kind to me, he can't get along with anyone. Period. My next BF is going to have to be kind and respectful.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 5:10pm

And hopefully honest and trustworthy as well! I didn't realize you had abuse issues with him in addition to the whole online profile thing.

It sounds like it being over is a good thing, hard as it is to go through the grieving process.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 5:14pm
Seems like that shouldn't be too much to ask, but my luck hasn't so great with men. . .

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