Is this appropriate as "friends?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Is this appropriate as "friends?"
1
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 11:14pm

My boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago. It was mutual for several reasons. He is quite a bit older (I'm 20, he's 27) and wants to focus on his career because he feels like he hasn't gotten to where he wants to be yet and is running out of time. I sensed that he wasn't 100% into our relationship for those reasons and wasn't totally happy with what he could give/was giving me in the last little bit of our time together. Also I'm still so young and want to date around more before settling down with anyone. We basically realized we weren't going to end up together and after 6 months together we felt that we could either fall in love and get really serious and meet these problems later, or break it off now saving us a lot more pain down the road. We are actually very compatible people and genuinely believe that we could eventually be friends again, although I said it would probably be best to have some time apart with as little contact as possible (we work together, so we have to talk at work sometimes) to reestablish a separate routine and life before trying the friendship thing. He agreed, but said he at least wanted me to text him a couple times in the first weeks to let him know that I was okay. I have a history of depression and substance abuse and he wanted to know that I wouldn't relapse as a result of our break-up. I did text him to say that I was fine and didn't feel symptoms of anything more serious than normal sadness.
Here's where things started getting weird... He started texting me several times a day and calling once a day just to tell me how his day went and how horrible he feels about our break-up. I finally told him that it's not fair for him to say things like that because all he's doing is just confirming that we're both miserable about not being together and, whether or not he means to, it implies that we should still be together when we decided that we can't be. He says he's just worried about me and hopes that I won't feel so bad if I know he feels bad about it too. Although I don't see how him sending me text messages about HIS day and HIS feelings, especially when I'm not even responding, can help to quell his worries about ME. I told him to stop contacting me so often, that we need to have a break for this to be a break-up, and that I would see him at work and we would see how that goes.

So...I saw him last night at work and it was civil. Luckily we were really busy so we didn't even have much opportunity to talk. Throughout the night he would touch me in ways that he used to when we were dating, in ways that I didn't think were appropriate to touch a "friend." But we were slammed so I didn't think about it at the time. At the end of the night we were closing up together and he asked how I was doing. I said I was tired, it had been a busy night. He said "I meant how are you doing about US?" I said I was doing fine. "You're fine with it?," he said. I said "Well what do you want me to say? Yeah, it's sad sometimes, like when I realized we wouldn't be going home together tonight for the first time." He said he had thought the same thing, he had had such a long day and night and kept thinking that it would all be okay when he could just go home and be with me, but then he kept remembering that he couldn't..."but I can live with it," he said. "Well we're both going to have to live with it," I said. Then before I left he asked me to go for coffee next week. I said maybe, just give me a call. I'm thinking about going just to set some boundaries for work.

I've never wanted or tried to be friends with an ex before so I don't know how one goes about it. It seems to me that he's jerking me around emotionally (we want to be together, but we can't, but we want to, but we can't) just to indulge those urges that he, and everyone, feels to contact your ex after a break-up, all the while using the exuse of concern for me. He says he's just "not good at breaking-up." Well who is good at it? Some of my friends think that he's regretting the break up and will want to get back together. It's part of a break-up to second guess it on some level and I don't want to entertain any delusions about us getting back together because I know it's not right. The emotional roller coaster is just difficult to handle and I'm trying to get through this with as much peace and dignity as possible. Any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for reading such a long post!!




Edited 6/17/2007 12:41 am ET by lizzie_anne
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 10:01am

You've got an exceptionally good head on your shoulders and your instincts about all of this are spot-on.

Go to that coffee if that's what you're feeling, and lay out the ground rules for how he is to act towards you, from the calling, to the texting, to the touching, the person you break up with cannot be the person you go to for comfort afterwards. He needs to understand that.

You asked about friendship afterwards: When my ex and I broke up, we didn't speak for a month, he had said during the break up that he wanted to call and check on me, etc., but I said no. After another month, we finally saw each other again for the first time. I think I would have been truly irate with him if he'd still been trying to touch me in the same intimate way as when we were dating. Dating has its privileges which platonic friends don't get to have. It took several months of, honestly, just being respectful of each other and of ourselves, to get to where we are today, which is really very good friends. We had a couple of "dramatic moments" here and there, but overall, we did well with the aftermath. Whenever you have a question about what's a boundary between you and your ex, ask yourself if you would act a certain way or do the same thing with one of your female friends. That should help put things in perspective.

Good luck and keep posting, I think you're doing great. Two thumbs up :)

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