Article: when he can't cut the cord
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| Thu, 07-07-2005 - 7:32pm |
Dear Sherry,
The man I'm in love with can't seem to end the relationship with his ex-wife. For instance, I found out later that after leaving my house at Christmas, he went to hers. (He told me he was only there to say goodbye.) We've only been together nine months, but are deeply in love. Am I an idiot?
Fool for Love

You're not an idiot; neither are you acting like a Mensa member. Of course he's still hung up on his ex-wife - at least to some degree. Would you want to be with a man who could callously forget someone with whom he once shared at least an address?
How much "ex-contact" on his part must you tolerate before (rightly) being labeled a shrew? Here's a yardstick that can take that vexing relationship's measure: You've got no legitimate beef if he stops by on his own time X-Mas day to wish her a happy holiday; you've got serious cause for complaint if he doesn't leave 'til New Year's. Need another example? No whining allowed if he does her the occasional favor; scream the house down if it's a favor he's refused to do for you.
You don't mention how long it's been since your guy cast off his wedding ring. I ask this not as a trivia question but to alert you that post-divorce, many men go through a "transitional woman" phase. Unfamiliar with the term? Think "midlife crisis man" unceremoniously dumping the wife who put him through school to take up with a cocktail waitress, and you'll get the gist.
Instead of asking me whether or not I think your guy is basically over his ex, ask him. Does he see marriage in his future, and most importantly, does he see marriage in his future with you? (I'm taking a gigantic leap of intellect here and guessing that you wouldn't mind if by next Christmas, you shared one tree and plenty of mistletoe.) You might not like his answers, but--here's that word!--you'd be an idiot to continue the relationship indefinitely without asking them.
Sherry 


