Back and forth

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2012
Back and forth
7
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 8:29pm

Hi all, 

I have not been to this forum in quite a while and truly need to get your thoughts...

In summary, I just got out of a two and a half year relationship that ended 5 months ago.  I lived w/ my ex in his family's house for eight months.  I moved out because he told me that we were done, he was not in love with the last months of our relationship and that he did not want to live together.  

I was not comfortable living at his family's house and would have preferred for us to have our own place, which he was not ready for.  The last few months of our relationship were unpleasant for me because he would not come home until 10p/11p after being with his friends.  In addition, he would go out about two days a week and come back anywhere from 5a-6a.  I would be livid because he would always make an excuse about not answering his phone while he was out, etc.  He had cheated on me over a year ago and I made the decision to take him back.  When he would be out late, my mind wandered and I believed that he was cheating again.  We did have some great times together and I wanted to build a life with him.  However, the infidelity and the lies seemed to overpower any good times we had.  

Now, a few months later, he wants to work things out again.  I feel that as nice as it sounds, I don't see how we can have a future since he cannot promise that he won't cheat.  He tells me that he loves me, respects me, wants to spend his life with me, but that there is still a possibility that another woman will catch his eye.  He is bothered by the fact that I can't overlook that while he works on being faithful.  

We argue constantly because he will say great things and do something different.  I love him, but I also feel that I need to value myself to come to a decision.  Even when he would return home in the middle of the night, or the next morning; I could not bring myself to say that I was leaving.  I stayed.  So when he said he didn't want to live together, I left.  

It boggles my mind to think that he had me all of that time and now he wants me back, yet he still tells me I make him mad and that I ask the wrong questions since I don't trust him.

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 10:28pm

What is there to handle?  He has told you that he wants you to be patient and available while he "works on" being faithful.  Faithfulness does not require practice, it simply requires a commitment to one person, and he's not willing to do that.  He also complains because you ask the wrong questions and make him mad, which makes me think that he is very controlling, and he wants what he wants regardless of any needs you may have.

Please run a mile to get away from this man--he doesn't love you, you're just a convenience to him.  You deserve someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 6:28am

bloveslife wrote:
He tells me that he loves me, respects me, wants to spend his life with me, but that there is still a possibility that another woman will catch his eye.  He is bothered by the fact that I can't overlook that while he works on being faithful.  

So basically, he wants you to simply put up with his infidelity? This is not respect. This is not love. And he can never be sure he does want to spend the rest of his life with you if he is not ready to be faithful to you NOW. He's made it clear he can not promise fidelity and so by taking him back, you will be agreeing to these terms and basically giving him a free pass to cheat again. If he ever cheats again, he can always say "Well, you knew when we got back together that I couldn't promise I'd always be faithful". And he'd be right - you know very well what you're getting back into if you go back with him, you know he might cheat again, he's told you so himself! You'll have only yourself to blame.

Quote:
We argue constantly because he will say great things and do something different. 

Actions speak louder than words, in my opinion. It's easy to say great things, it's another to DO them. He has proven twice now that he can not commit to you - once by cheating on you, twice by dumping you and kicking you out. Enough is enough. He is not ready for a commited, adult relationship and may never be. His reluctance to move out of his parents house speaks volumes for his maturity, or lack thereof.

Quote:
Any suggestions on how to handle this? 

By telling him "Goodbye". By finding someone who truly understands what it means to say he loves and respects you instead of just parroting the words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2012
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 7:50am

Thanks.  I feel that I get caught up with him telling me he loves me.  I have a tendency to look for the good in people.  I feel that I have lost some of my self esteem throughout this whole process.  I tell him that he is not respecting me by being with other women when that goes against my values.  He tells me that he loves me and that I should be satisfied with that.  It has been very difficult.  It all makes me feel that my wants are not valid or considered.  

I need to work on creating some space between us.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2011
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 11:36am
dear bloveslife I am sorry for what you are going through. I can somehow relate; it is always hard when someone says i love you but does not act upon it. it is a sad lesson in life to judge people by how they act towards us not by what they say they might do :( if I had 20 cents for every time a guy told me (lied) i am the love of his life I would be rich by now. ;) many guys use that to pick a woman up, i.e. they know they have to say this to a woman to keep her commited while they are not . sorry, but that is the way it is.it is only words.. beautiful words.. but only words: If it is real love you will know not only by his words but also by the way he treats you! has he done anything to proof to you that he is not cheating ever again? has he brought any evidence that he changed? i am very sorry, but it seems to me that this guy is just taking advantage of a good, wonderful, patient, amazing woman: you. and it might be for your best if you take a distance and see how things go inside you. do you think you can do better than this guy? I think you might find someone better but if you want to. you say he respects you. but if he really respects you he shall not cheat at all and he does not need to be going out with friends ( without you) until 5 am. that is already disrespectful. the problem here is not you, or the questions you ask. The problem here is clearly him! you have every right to ask questions! even if he did not cheat on you he does not seem to work hard enough on gaining your trust! he is trying to manipulate your mind by telling you to change your thoughts about his faithfulness without changing any of his actions to prove to you that you can trust him. if i would be you i would get out. if you do not want to break up , tell him you need space and freedom for yourself. A relationship break. You do not need to tell him why. Your life is your life, not his! Since he says he does not want to commit to you, you should step back and think about what YOU want. meet friends, get a new flat, build a live without him... keep him on a distance- because that is what he is doing with you when he says he is not ready to live with you. He is keeping you on a distance. He sees you as an *option* , and that is not good :( he wants to have the cake and eat it too: take it away from him. he does not seem to deserve you. how about if you change the roles and you go out until 4-5 am? go out, flirt with guys! live your life! do not call him. he is the man !- it is his job to call you. it is his job to court you. if he is not trying hard enough and he already cheated, why would have much reason to trust him ? if you can or will not trust him than that is your decision, not his! It is manipulative of him to tell you you shall trust him while he still has not changed his life-style! He is trying to lure you into believing you would have some issue so he can keep on playing his games with you. He does not take any responsibility for his actions. Please do not let him get away so easy with this behaviour: it will only teach him he can do this with you and get away with it. You are worth more. The question is not if he loves you. The question is if YOU still love him after the way he behaved and behaves ? The question is if YOU still want to be his partner/ wife/ mother of his children, if he behaves like this? This are things only you can know and answer. This is your life, not his. Start making your own rules for your life. He is not your husband, you do not have kids together. He should be honoured to have you with him, because you can leave easily any time you want! And you can easily get out and get another guy that does not cheat and does not stay out late without being reachable.- yes, there are guys like that out there :o) You should decide if you love him and want to keep him. If so you make a plan for how he can prove his faithfulness to you. If not or if you are unsure… take a distance. It does not seem to be good for anyones self-worth to be with this man. your life is about YOU and only about you. I think he knows you have feelings for him and he is abusing that. do not let that happen. sit down and evaluate your relationship: is it worth it? he dumped you, he cheated and now he does not want to commit. pick up your self-worth and make your own decision. he has to show something before you step back into anything serious? sadly most men are not happy to have a woman back after they cheated, but they wonder why she took them back and why she is putting up with this. a men looses respect for a woman that takes him back after he misbehaved and has not changed, i.e. did nothing to show that he changed in any way. do not make it that easy on him. keep your self- worth: that is more important than any relationship on this planet. any guy can be gone any day, but the person you truly have to love and live with is yourself! :) you should work on yourself , get to know yourself better, your feelings, your needs- you have needs too! is he fulfilling them? this will help you gain clarity, strenght, and heal your heart! :D Good luck and i wish you lots of strenght! :D
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2012
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 7:33pm

I am so sorry that you are going through this!  All I can say is stay strong.  Look back over your post - you already know the truth and what you should do.  You said it yourself, you can't trust him.  With no trust there is no relationship.  It is hard when your heart and your head are in two different places... But in this case listen your head - it is trying to protect you from going through heartbreak again in a few weeks, months, years.. who knows.  Do you really want to be with someone who didn't come home to 10-11 or 5-6am???  That doesn't sound very loving.  You can find a man who treats you how you want to be treated... if you go back with him you know how he is going to treat you.  Only you can decide if you can be happy with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2012
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 8:25pm
Thank you for the advice. Yes, I think I can do better than him. My problem is that I unfortunately relied on him a lot and even though I moved out, I still feel that I am drawn to him. The good thing is that my feelings have changed. Its ironic to me because now he wants to get back together, tells me he will let others know he has someone special in his life and that is just not good enough for me. I feel that I was taken advantage of and manipulated for a long time that me being on my own, needing to date other people, will be good for me to make my own decision on who I want to be with. Right now, he is not the guy I see myself with. The problem is that I need to be able to tell him that. I can't always predict how he will react when we communicate. I often feel that he's like abrasive, aggressive and that I'm walking on eggshells. I, like others do not like to be yelled at and if I say something he doesn't like he has the propensity to go ballistic. I feel that I am so used to this back and forth drama that it is toxic. I just need to practice telling him that I need space and will date other people. He is all talk right now and I don't see him being Mr. Nice guy permanently. I know that he cares for me, but we have different values and in a way, everything I have tolerated and forgiven him for has made me angry with myself for letting it go too far and resenting him for treating me that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 12-18-2012 - 2:59am

You don't owe him any explanations or excuses, you just tell him that you're not going to get back together with him, period. Tell him not to call you or come by or try to make contact because its over for good. Tell him this on the phone, not in person where he might be able to manipulate you. If he starts yelling at you just hang up, and block his number from your phone. Remember, he dumped you so you don't owe him a word.

This guy sounds like an adolescent in a man's body. He's "not ready" to leave his parents' home, he wanted to have a live-in gf yet be able to run around with his buddies all night. He doesn't sound ready to commit to an adult relationship. And I'll bet that he doesn't really want you so much as he doesn't want anybody else to have you. So he tries to lure you back, he says whatever he thinks you want to hear, but you can be sure that he will be acting the same as before, very soon.

You seem to know that you are better off without him, trust yourself on that and just cut him off quickly and completely.