Back to the Beginning

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
Back to the Beginning
3
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 4:03pm
I have been posting on these boards and I feel like maybe I didn't explain the situation.
I am not sure if I am hoping for a different response or just making excuses for him.
I was in a LDR for 1-1/2 years. The first yr was great. We saw each other every month, we went to visit his brother, his parents, he took me to the Bahamas for my b-day. He relocated about 2 months ago back to his hometown and decided that a LDR was too hard. It hurt him too much when I left and when he talked to me. He is VERY scatter-headed and selfish.
I was not only the longest relationship he had but also the first time he had brought anyone around his family. When he relocated I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks, he said he needed to get settled in.
He finally told me he was interested in seeing someone else who lives in his town, because its easier. On another post Sandra, I think said that guys tend to have logical thinking.
He couldn't do the LDR anymore so it was easier for him to walk away. It has now been 28 days of N/C. I know if I call him, he will either answer or call me back. I want to talk to him and see how is doing but I would rather he call me. I have reasons to think he made up the other girl to give him an excuse. I get either way that he definitely wants his space and I am trying soo hard to give it to him.
He told me that it hurts him to look at me because he feels like he disappointed me. he thought I wanted him to move here with me instead of back to his parents. I told him several times over that I understood that he had to help out his parents.
I know that is says to never be the one to contact first but this is hard.
I am not sure what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 5:23pm

i hate to say it, but perhaps he's already found someone else local and is now just dodging you thinking its better than telling you? i was in a LDR for 9 months and as much as the distance sucked, it never really became a problem for me until i started thinking about the possibility of someone else. i'm not proud to say it, but i used the distance as an excuse and played off it to try and ease the breakup.

don't call him, don't ever be the first to call, especially if you're not sure of the situation. use the distance as a nice buffer of "out of sight, out of mind" and just do your own thing.

just my 2 cents, sorry for what you're going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 5:46pm
The first year wasn't a problem for us either, it only became a problem when he moved back home. I am wondering if his Dad (who is a big influence) didn't encourage the N/C. It wasnt until he got home that he started distancing himself.
He told me he went out with a girl from the bank because she asked him out unexpectedly. He said nothing happened and she hadn't called him back after they went out. I have good reason to think that he lied about the girl all together. I think the girl was his excuse not the distance.
I am doing my own thing but missing him terribly. I added the part about him being selfish and scatter-headed. I do believe that I am the furthest thing from his mind. That is what hurts. I think he has already forgotten...
I hate the thought of never hearing from him again but I know his past behavior and I am sure he won't be in touch.
It had been 2 months since he started really distancing himself and almost 6 weeks of N/C, it doesn't get any easier.
Thanks for the advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 1:40pm

*thoughtfully* You know, I had something very similar happen to me. He met a girl on the train, had a little..indiscretion, and dumped me.

But anyways, my point is to pass on advice that is the type you don't want to hear, but rings true. I was told to forget 'the girl on the train' because she may not even exist. And if she did, it was irrelevant. The excuse was irrelevant. It was more likely he'd re-evaluated his longterm goals while talking to his family and decided this relationship was not for him. And finally, that I needed to find my own closure and move on with a better idea of how to judge someone commitment and ability.

IN the same way, it doesn't matter if he used the distance or the girl at the bank. Whatever the reason, he obviously decided that you weren't a part of his longterm goals. And you know what? It sucked. It's hard. I found every reason under the sun to be angry when I finally sucked it up and faced the truth. I was angry that he discussed his issues with everyone BUT me. I was angry it came with no warning. I was angry I didn't get the 'truth'. Angry that he'd led me on that he liked things the way they were. Angry that I'd wasted nearly two years trying to help him achieve his dreams...only to have him throw it in my face. Angry that I felt like I'd patiently waited out 10 months of LDR and School for our 3 week vacation together just to have it snatched out of my hands. And I'm STILL working on this forgiveness business. Hopefully with the grace of God, it'll pass and I'll be content.

And sometimes I think you're right and we're both doing something wrong. It's a fight every day for me to retain my composure. Some days are good, some days are bad, but we've both made a lot of headway from day one. Final stretch now.

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your