back to board again....
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| Sun, 01-15-2006 - 3:52pm |
Hey Everyone,
I hoped that I wouldnt have to come back to this board... Who wants another broken heart right??? It's been about 2 years since I've been here, and now I'm back with another failed relationship. I'll give you a quick run through of whats happened. I dated someone for about 6 months 2 years ago. I was really attracted to him and I definately enjoyed being together with him but then I went abroad, for a year to study and we broke up. Well actually I was supposed to only be gone for 5 months so we were going to stay together, but then I decided to stay for a year and I broke up with him. I think I really hurt his feelings, but to tell you the truth I think since I knew since the begining of our relationship that I was leaving I was prepared the whole time for the breakup (and he knew all along too that i was leaving). Anyways, fast foward a year later, to August 2005, when I return from abroad. I think because the adjustment of coming back home was difficult it was easy for me to go back to the same guy because of a comfort level. So that's what I did. We got back together. But in October he broke up with me, because... he knew he was leaving in January and he didnt want to get "too attached" and get hurt again. We tried being friends, but ended up being friends with benefits up until now. I knew all along that having sex without having a real relationship is so unhealthy but I convinced myself I was so strongly attracted to him. I think now, even though I am definately not near being over him, I just liked the comfort of having him there. Except he wasn't there for me, because he was just really a booty call. Basically, he is still in the US but moving to Korea real soon, I've still been talking to him on the phone and he was in the same town as me this weekend, and we were going to hang out last night, but I told him he wasn't allowed to come over last night if all he wanted to do was have sex with me then leave immediately. So i'm proud of myself for doing that, but I am left feeling empty and sad. Like this person that I care so much about doesn't care about me at all!
Where do I go from here? Where do I start to get over him? It's been a weird/complicated relationship the whole time...

I'm sorry to see you back here...heck, I'm sorry *I'm* back here! But at least we can help each other through. And yes, you should be proud of yourself for not allowing yourself to be just a booty call for him yet again.
The place to start is one day at a time with no contact. Perhaps focusing on the fact that you got along without him before (while you were gone) and you can do so again will help. Hopefully the fact that he will be far away will make no contact a *bit* easier.
Sheri
It sounds like you don't really have a choice as to where to go from now if he is moving away then you have to end things. It also seems like that may be a good thing because you need time away from him to get over him.
I noticed that your profile says that you are a neuroscience major. My undergraduate major was in Brain and Cognitive Science so we have a bit in common. Speaking from one person who has studied the science of the brain to another, have you ever wondered why, from a biological standpoint, we feel depressed? I know that some of it is to motivate us to avoid painful things. But since depression is just the opposite of happiness, why don't we just experience happiness when good things happen or when bad things stop happening and have that motivate us? After all, happiness seems to be a lot more biological adaptive since it gives us energy and motivates us to go out and be productive, while depression zaps our energy. There must be some biological advantage to feeling depressed or else we wouldn't have evolved to experience that emotion.
I think one component of it is that we're designed to be at a neutral point most of the time so that we're not wasting more energy than we need to. So when something good happens, we're happy about it for a while, and then we get used to it, and go back to our normal level of happiness, and then when the good thing is taken away, we're depressed for a while until we get used to the thing being gone until we get used to the thing being gone and then we go back to our normal level of happiness. And the opposite occurs when soething bad happens to us or when something bad is taken away from us. What all of that means for you is just that you need to give yourself some time to adjust to his being gone from your life in order for the pain to heal. By continuing to see him, you were able to put off dealing with the thought that it was over. But now, you need to do that in order to get your mind psychologically used to the idea that things are over so you can put it behind you.
The other related component to that is why do we feel so lethargic when we're depressed? Couldn't we just have this feeling that we don't like without our energy being zapped? I think the thing is that we kind of need to have that down time when something bad happens in order to get used to the thing being gone. There was a recent study which found that people who don't give themselves permission to grieve after a break-up or people who continue to see their exes after a break-up are in worse shape psychologically down the line versus the people who just grieve and feel the worst right after the break-up. So that's another reason why I think you just need to allow yourself time to cry and to get it out of your system. There is a point at which letting yourself feel down crosses the line from being a healthy mechanism to help you adjust to change to just feeling sorry for yourself and making things worse than they have to be, but you just have to do your best to gage when and if you ever cross that line.
There are also things you can do to make it easier, so that it's somewhat less painful. First of all, taking care of your physical health should also improve your emotional health. In particular, you should get enough sleep each night and try to get regular exercise. They've found that not sleeping enough really effects your mood the next day so making sure you get enough sleep should make it easier. Also, exercise will get those endorphins pumping through your blood stream.
Another important component is how you choose to look at events. What shapes your emotions isn't really reality, but how you perceive reality. You should pay attention to what you tell yourself about this situation. If you sit there and tell yourself, that you'll never be happy without him and nobody will else ever compare to him, you'll make it a lot harder for yourself. If you view this as just a bump in the road, which while it's unfortunate and painful, you'll get past it and overcome it, you'll probably do much better.
The social component is also important. If you have friends or family that you can turn to for support or even just spend some time with then that will help. And finally, if you just stay busy with work or hobbies than that will keep you from falling into a rut. Going back to what I was saying earlier, though, about needing to give yourself time and permission to grieve, you need to find that line between where staying busy is keeping you from falling into a rut and where you're at the point that you stay so busy that you're completely avoiding coming to terms with the reality of the situation.
I hope that helps you. And remember, it does get easier. Just hang in there, and good luck with everything.