Backsliding
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| Sun, 07-09-2006 - 8:29pm |
Hey everyone -
I just really need to vent tonight more than anything.
I've been doing good these past few days - tomorrow is day 14. I've been keeping positive, concentrating on my own life and work (getting lots done) and generally trying to take care of myself. I even went to the video store and took his name off my membership which felt like a small thing to do, but i did it anyways.
I met someone online (okay, I needed the confidence boost - enough said) and we've been chatting on the phone for hours this week - last night he suggested dinner next week and i accepted. sounds great, right?
Well, this morning, I wake up and am just missing my ex to my very core. I actually had to stop mid-stride a couple of times to catch my breath. I wanted to call him so bad - I really had myself convinced that he was missing me to - I mean we had a lots of great things about 'us' and I was feeling sure that he couldn't just be moving on as easily as all that - especially after I dumped HIM. i had it in my mind that as much as I cherish my 13 days of no contact, I kept wondering and wondering - what if? so if i were to call him and he rejected me then at least i'd know and not keep wondering which is - quite frankly - driving me nuts.
On breaks at work today i was working out what I would say, trying to think of what he might say etc. working it all out - to be prepared. (is it crazy to sign up for rejection if you feel its the only way to move on? to know it's really and truly over? comments welcome)
Well, I come home from work and log online as is my habit - i see his message next to his name on MSN (last night was 'save myself from myself... will you?) and it's changed to: 'i'm really into the way i feel' which i can only interrpret as he's doing great and is glad i'm gone. I just started crying.
I know i should delete him - i know i know i know. the only reason i don't is the sick satisfaction i have in typing a personal message of my own that completely ignores his own - something funny or witty. I know - how passive aggressive can i get?
anyway - i don't really have anyone i can talk to about this kind of crap - patience of former confidants wearing somewhat thin and even i realize I'm reading alot into his stupid messages.
Like i said, i just needed to vent
L

Hi L.,
Definitely delete him and count your "no contact" days from that point. You've made tremendous progress and now it's time to take the next step.
Best of luck,
S.
Hi L,
I can totally relate to the backsliding feeling.
There must have been something in the air today because when I woke up this morning I felt absolutely miserable. I had had a dream about the ex (I've only dreamed about him a few times during the entire time I've known him) and I woke up really missing him. So as soon as I awoke I decided that I absolutely had to send him a card telling him how much I missed him. (And I even knew which card I wanted to send: it's got this really sweet looking kitten on it, and I was hoping it would met him). Luckily, I was feeling really kind of sleepy and since it was only 9:30 a.m. and Sunday I decided to go back to sleep! When I got up at 11 a.m. I still felt kind of sad but as soon as I got moving and doing stuff I needed to do around the house I didn't feel as bad as I had felt when I first awoke and I didn't seriously consider contacting him in any way.
I didn't really need to talk myself out of writing to him, I just got busy doing other things. Later at night I started feeling some anger creeping in. Now that's what I call progress! Specifically, I felt angry at all the times he was distant and withdrawn. I don't think that's a good way to treat someone you love, you know? And what does this have to do with you, you ask? Well, your ex didn't really treat you very well on several occasions. And I'm sure he did some things you're not telling us about that also weren't that great. For instance, when you left, even though you did it abruptly, he could have protested. He could have positively INSISTED that you sit down and discuss things with him. Or he could have tried to talk you out of it. Or he could have asked for a few more days to talk about it. He didn't. He just accepted that you were leaving him. That's not really a good sign, is it?
Everyone else has said you should take him off your buddy list, so I'm not going to chime in on that one. I think you know that it keeps you tied to him in a way and makes it hard for you to disconnect. But I also think that you CAN move on even if you don't delete his name. It's just easier if you do. So I'm wondering how you saw this conversation with him going. What did you want to talk about? Did you want to ask him stuff? Or were you actually thinking about going back into the relationship?
Here's to a better day tomorrow. Feel free to email me if you want. Hugs to you.
Well, it's 5am and i just got home - no, it's not as bad as all that.
I went out with a friend who i hadn't talked to in a long while - i told him about the break-up and he took it upon himself to 'cheer me up' and took me to a club which i am much too old for and that was having a 'foam party' (new to me - very messy but the kids were having fun and i was too watching all the foamy debauchery) and bought me beer and let me vent for hours.
then we drove around the city aimlessly as he listened to me tell the whole story and after it was all said and done and i really just felt emotionally spent, he said something that seems so obvious to me now, but which i didn't really get before:
he said: he doesn't care about anyone but himself.
duh! he was happy with me when i could provide him with exactly what he wanted, when he wanted it, in a context that he had decided on beforehand. he never had any real interest in me or my life - i could have been any girl - this was never about me.
perhaps it was the beer of coffee or late hour, but this really struck a chord with me. it wasn't about me. my friend (bless him) was/is right. my ex was always looking out for what made him happy - sure he treated me great in the beginning, because it probably suited him to, but when things got tough or i asked for more (and by more, i mean basic respect - calling when i'm sick, meeting my family etc) he bailed. I became inconvenient. so that's why he didn't make any grand gestures - that's why he didn't insist i stay and talk about it. that's why he just let me walk out.
this friend hadn't heard the whole story - only talked to him last when my ex and i were first getting together. he never met my ex, so has no sense of anything other than what i told him - but it was so great to have someone sit across from me and get so angry on my behalf - so angry that this guy didn't realize what an amazing person i was and didn't appreciate how lucky he was to have me interested in him (my friend is so great!).
I got home - had left my computer on (and here i am) and for some reason went to the dating site where we met. i looked at his profile and read it again and realized that EVERY LAST WORD in it is about him - what he likes, what he wants. nothing about what he wants in another person. because i think the other person doesn't really matter. he just wants someone to be convenient and pleasing and not ask that he do anything out of his comfort zone. it was never about who i was or what he could offer me. it was just about what i could offer him
I don't know why this all came as such an epiphany to me tonight - my own moment of clarity. But i really needed it and feel so great about things - have blocked him from the dating site so he can't see or contact me, blocked him from MSN (not deleted - yet - baby steps) and basically feel like an enormous weight has been lifted.
I'll probably backslide again - miss the good times - you guys have helped me so much these past few days. i literally got tears in my eyes reading the responses to this last post - you guys are all so amazing.
anyway - i should get to bed or i'll collapse here - just wanted to say what i said and thank you thank you thank you
L
Your friend sounds like a treasure. You're lucky to have him. I wish I had a friend like that. All my male friends (two of them) are utterly preoccupied with their own lives and just can't make that much time for me.
It's interesting that you noticed that his profile is all about him. I always pay attention to that. I think you can usually spot the self-centered ones by the way they fill out the "What I want in a mate" box -- if there is one. I always think the ones who don't write about the kind of person they're looking for, but write about themselves in that box, are self-centered. So maybe you've learned a good (albeit expensive) lesson about reading between the lines in profiles. Do you ever read/post on the ivillage Online Dating board? Take a look at it.