Bad Break-up...

Avatar for fitchic1
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Bad Break-up...
1
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 6:38pm


Hi---

My ex-boyfriend and I have recently broken up about three days ago (1 day after I had moved out to have my own place). I had been staying with him temporarily until I got my feet on the ground (after relocating from out-of-state) and found a place. We never really discussed what I'd help pay for every month. I told him I'd help him out, but during the first month he had blown me off when I had offered to help pay electricity, etc. I had stayed there for about two months and had bought groceries every week and had taken care of his dog while he was working 24-hour shifts at the fire station. About a week before we had broken up, he had been in a bad wreck that totaled his truck (he had minimal injuries). He ended up having to pay $2000 (to make up the difference on what it was worth and what he had owed) in addition to him having to buy a new truck. After he realized that I was moving and after he had paid all of that stuff from the accident, he asked me to pay "what I thought was fair" for the past two months I had been there. I did write him a check for $250 (which would cover at least electricity, water, cable, etc for two months) but later had the check stopped when I had learned he had been cheating, lying, etc. Now he's saying that he wants $500 cash under his doormat by the end of today or he'll take me to court. Does he have a case if nothing was written? Do I owe him that? I think he's just angry that I had the check stopped and won't pay him a dime.

In addition to this, I'm so hurt and upset. A day after I had moved out (Saturday), I went back to his place (while he was working) to pick up a couple of things I had forgetten. I noticed the cards I had given him from a few months ago were thrown in the trash, along with notes I'd leave him when I went to work. I admit, that after that, I had snooped into one of his old cellphones from a couple weeks ago that he had been calling and receiving numerous calls from his ex. Her name was still in his phonebook (this is someone who was much younger that had cheated on him). The day I had moved (Friday)---He had problems communicating with me, but I had been reassured after asking him that he was not upset about my move and that he'd tell me if he was mad at me or upset about something. Sensing things were okay, I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner after I had finished unpacking that day, and he said to call him later. Well, I never heard from him until today (3 days later) when he was upset about the check being stopped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: fitchic1
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 6:50pm

Well, you've got a multi-faceted issue here.

There's ethics and principles....there's legality...and there's reality. They're intertwined but not the same.

Legally, you two had a verbal agreement and there isnothing he can hold you to in court. There's no court to take you to - there is no contract you signed. Unless he forges something -which would cause you to get an attorney and a handwriting expert - but that's alot of trouble for $500 on his part. This is civil - not criminal - nobody gets pro bono or court appointed attorneys for civil issues.

Ethics and principles........it sounds like (and only you know) that you figured that you paying for groceries every week, and taking care of his dog allt he time...was the "payment" for the rent. It seems you wrote him a $250 check that you stopped payment on without really talking to him........based on something you found or heard that indicated he'd been sleeping around, or chasing other women......and it definitely involved lying to you.

So it seems without talking to him about the specifics...you decided you didn't owe him what you had owed him before - when you wrote him the check. YOu decided that you keeping your money - was payback for him lying to you. You enacted your own justice based on feelings - but are you morallly and ethically comfortable with it? Can you live with yourself for doing it? Doy ou believe it was the right thing to do? Would you condone someone else doing it? And do you often take "Justice" into your own hands, without evidence, and based on feelings?

He's now wanting $500 under his doormat by whatever time/date. HE's enacting his own demand, based on his "feelings" - that you took advantage of him and paid him NOTHING...and you paying for groceries each week was minimal as a house guest, and you taking care of his dog was an offer you made at the time and had no "deal" about it - as in this is in exchange for rent.

He's demanding more money....and he's saying when/how/where. Technically, that should tell youo that if he had any intention of taking you to court - he'd have already done it. If he thought he had a leg to stand on legally - he'd have pursued it. Easier to catch you off guard with court papers...that it is to make a demand without legal recourse attached.

So now you hit "reality".....and here's the fact. Values justify actions. The values that justified him lying to you (if he did) are going to just him "getting out of you want he wants" - however he chooses to go about it. He's a fireman....they're connected to the PD and Sheriff's depts in most states and counties, and he's also integral in the DA's office. How "well thought of" is he...and how userously manipulative and abusive if he? Because both will affect you if in conjunction with him being esteemed in high places, he's of lower morals and caliber.

So you decide what it is that you're going to do - and do it. And be prepared to stand by your position and reasoning thru thick and thin. Take into account when you decide what to do -what goal you want to accomplish.

the relationship is over...you don't want someone of this caliber back...the question is do you want to haggle and hassle with someone like this for a period of time over money? Because that is what it amounts to - unless he's one to "forget about it" as he's got plenty of other women, distractions, and obligations and he was just "testing' to see IF you'd give in...and since you won't - oh well, move on.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com