Bad couple of days
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Bad couple of days
| Mon, 07-10-2006 - 5:05am |
So this weekend was worse than they have been in a while.
| Mon, 07-10-2006 - 5:05am |
So this weekend was worse than they have been in a while.
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Hi Sandra. I don't know the whole story about what happened with you two, but I feel like you're beating yourself up too much. You are saying that the way he felt was valid, but you could say the same thing for yourself. It's hard to know exactly how to act in the perfect way when we are faced with these things. When someone we love voices fears and doubts about the relationship, of course you are going to feel hurt and not be able to trust. The things you mentioned that you did - shutting down emotionally and closing him out - this was your way of protecting yourslf from getting hurt. Now this may not be the way you WANTED to react - but this is how you acted and that is OK. Nobody is perfect, especially when dealing with highly charged emotional stuff. You said you realized that this reaction wasn't helpful and you are trying to help yourself by reading books and thinking over what happened. Be proud of yourself for this - many people do not want to do the hard work of looking at a situation and what they could have done differently or better to make it have a better outcome.
Have you told him any of the things you mentioned? You said that before you broke up, he mentioned that he wished things weren't this way and wanted things to work out, and you also said he's been reaching out to you. I think you should tell him all these things and just get it out. If you tell him all this stuff and he still doesn't feel like the relationship is worth saving, then at least you would know. Sometimes that is just what you need to really move on.
Another thought....I don't know if you believe in these things...but I feel that things happen for a reason...each struggle we go through teaches us something. I would use this opportunity (and it seems like you are) to think back and see what you have learned from this relationship. Could it be that the purpose of this relationship for you was to learn about and try to work on these intimacy issues that you mentioned so that in your next relationship, you will be more able to deal with them?
I hope I was a little helpful...you always give such amazing advice on this board, so I was hoping to give something back to you!
Here is my point of view from a man.
You take the time to lead this board, think about the man in your life a lot and post your thoughts and feelings here. My question is does he know these things? That is your thoughts and feelings in your mind and posts. In other words, do the people reading these boards know more than he does? You have strong feelings for him or you wouldn't take the time you do thinking and writing about him. If he is as patient as you say he is, then he should know how you really feel and see how things go from there. Life is too short to be in prolonged stages of limbo and not knowing. There are risks that are sometimes huge when you put yourself out there emotionally but my experience has been that things are worse when you are wondering all the time because things are left unsaid.
You are who you are and he is who he is. Communication is the cornerstone for everything between two people. Do you want him to possibly go away without him knowing how you feel about yourself and him?
I hear you Sandra. I've been going through the same thought process and I have been taking my part. I feel bad that I didn't try to stop him from leaving. He has such great qualities and those outweigh the negative ones. I as hurt and upset because he was looking to his dad for advise and I felt like his dad had invaded our argument.
He was talking to him on the telephone prior to moving out, and I was in the kitchen. His dad asked what is 'she' doing now? And he told him that we were having a contest to see who does the least around the house. At that point, I rattled the top tray of the dishwasher I was emptying and walked off. I guess they thought it was funny, however, I did not find it amusing to have his dad prying into our personal life.
I have been crying off and on too. Have you ever noticed that your tears are hot!! Generally my tears are warm not hot. I guess it is a way of releasing the angry poisonous feelings I am feeling about being so stupid and not being able to get through to him.
I really resent that his dad decided to interfere in our relationship.
Yesterday I wrote him a letter. It leaves the post office today at 12 noon.
I still think we both have a problem committing, and that he got cold feet and moved 450 miles away to avoid making a commitment.
His words to me when I objected to his families interference into our relationship were that in marriage I would have to deal with his family.
He is the one who began calling me his wife shortly after we got together. Then one day he wanted to go to Las Vegas. I was scared then as we had known each other for around 4 months, and I flet rushed. Marriage is a big step. I was married to a man for 18 and a half years before we divorced, and I never wanted to go through that pain again, so I wanted to be certain that he was the one. Also, because I own my home, I wanted a pre-nup in case things didn't work out between us, I didn't want to divide my assets and essentially move into the street. I had written a will leaving him everything if I died, but marriage and divorce and loss of roof really made me balk.
I know he loved me, and I was surprised that even after 2 and a half months seperation that he told his friend that he loved me, he just didn't like me and then called me his wife.
Thanks for the book titles, I am going to pick them up next time I go to town.
I realize I need them too. In fact he used to point out to me that I wasn't in touch with my feelings, and I am not. Or am I just denying my feelings and hiding them to create a hard shell to protect my heart from further heartbreak.
Hey :)
Thanks for the support :)
Thanks so much for your perspective,
Thanks for your input, and I'm sorry you've been having such a difficult time of it.
I hope that if you get back together that you are still going to lead this group. :)
I have thought this over since we broke up and in many ways since both of us (He and I) had lost loves before, I think that the real tragedy lies is that rather than make a committment to one another because we were afraid of losing one another, that a self fullfilling prophecy was created and we are both suffering now instead of later.
Does that make sense at all.
I guess I will have to wait for the post office to deliver my letter to him, to see what happens next. At least I let him know how I felt for a change and it is in writing.
Take care,
and ((( HUGS))) to you too!!
You were helpful to me back in May. I'm not sure how far back these posts go but you can look back to around early to mid May if interested to refresh your memory.
Anyway, about men and expressing their emotions. There is no definite answer. Some can and do and some never will. I would say it depends on the person and the depth of their feeling. In my case, I completely and totally put myself out their in an expressive sense during the last 2 months for the first time in my life. I'm in my late 30's and it's not something I thought I had in me. But because of the feelings I had for her, I let them out and it felt natural, not forced or uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I got crushed. I have never felt so much pain and it has almost killed me. It still hurts a ton but one thing I do know is that nothing went unsaid on my end. I literally tried and said everything.
My whole idea is this: how do live your life? Are you straightforward and honest with people because that's how you live day to day? If so, then treat him the same. Life is too short to wonder what's going on with someone you're close with. It's even worse when you feel something and don't say it for whatever reason. Things may end or workout but do you want to risk anything being left unsaid? You have a chance to communicate and that's more than I have. I think you will feel better after telling him your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we get caught up in the other's expectations or hope to get a certain reaction after opening up so that we get a desired result. It probably makes you feel better to post messages here. However, there is more at stake if you tell him yourself. He deserves to know more than anyone.
How about your quote from Albert Einstein? At least you are trying but there is risk involved.
I have to go now but I would like to continue the thread going forward.
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