Bad day!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Bad day!!
7
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 3:50pm

Hello, It has been a while since I last posted – to give you a refresher… My b-friend of three years dumped me a few months ago b/c I was no longer a priority (i.e. he wanted to go out with friends). He started contacting me a few weeks ago trying to smooth over the past and the way he had broken up with me – he felt like the bad guy and wanted to stop feeling guilty (Are they all like this?!?!?!). He also wanted to try seeing each other again b/c he “wasn’t sure if we should be broken up”. Stupid me!

Fast forward to today – since we started hanging out again he has wanted to date and sleep over when convenient for him, but not stop dating other people – not call me when he is out with friends – not do anything to make me a priority even in this “let’s figure it out stage”, which was, let’s not forget, instigated by HIM!! I told him a few weeks ago that we had to go back to no contact, which he said he hates. Since that “no contact” request (and there have been a lot of them) there have been various e-mails and “I miss you” texts from him. Then last night he sends a text saying “I’m getting ready to go to bed – want to come over?” (We haven't seen each other in three weeks and haven't really been communicating b/c we are supposed to be in NC). I didn’t respond, but sent him an e-mail this morning that said I was tired of him thinking I am here when he needs me. He responded with some IM’s saying he missed me so much and would try to leave me alone – I asked why he sent so many mixed messages – really making it LOOK like he wants to get back together and is “so confused and hurt” and all that other crap and his response was “I want YOU. I just don't think I can handle the responsibilities that come with it”. Ouch.

I told him we were done and not to contact me again. I know I must stick with that – and really I DO!! He just pops up here and there, and I always respond, which I shouldn’t. Until he wrote that today I was really truly hoping he would want to work things out. Things are really good when we are together and we miss each other so much. I am so over it – trying to regain the perspective of not wanting to be with him anyways, but feel so weak and depressed after being rejected by him again when he was the one who instigated the contact.

Why would someone miss you so much but not want anything with you…? I have been pondering that for weeks now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
In reply to: clavenden
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 4:13pm
Unfortunately, it sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. He might miss you, but what does that mean? The bottom line is that he can't give you what you want and deserve. OR he might be telling you what you want to hear so that you'll stick around and give him what he wants...but you're still not getting what YOU want. Everything is on his terms. It's hard to imagine that someone that you invested so much time with would treat you like that, believe me, I know. But people's behavior can be surprising and selfish. It's up to you what you will put up with. If you can deal with just getting crumbs from him, then continue on. But if you want more, he obviously can't give that to you and you should move on. And yes, this time, DEFINTELY keep with NC. It is the only way to go. The more you talk to him and see him, the harder it will be to move on. I know it's hard, but just ignore each email or text message or call. You can do it!
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: clavenden
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 7:53pm

I know, I know ... The whole situation of his missing you but not really wanting the responsibility of a relationship is heartbreaking. I just don't get it myself, and if you or someone could understand and explain it to people you could get really rich! It's just not rational. I think you know that you need to cut him off completely right? Otherwise the wound will remain open for you and it will take you forever to heal.

So be clear but firm with him. Tell him you love him to death, that you would love to be with him, forever, but that you just can't stand this limbo thing. That he either wants you in a fully committed way or he can't have you. You deserve that and if you settle for anything less I don't think you'll get it. So let him go gently but make it clear to him that if he ever wants a serious relationship leading to marriage that you would be very happy. Then let him go. And that means not responding to phone calls, texts, IMs, whatever. He may get really angry at you, but that's his problem. You're better than waiting around for some guy who only wants to see you when it's convenient for him and doesn't want to or is incapable of giving you the commitment you want. It's his loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
In reply to: clavenden
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 9:30pm

Totally understand how you feel.

I had a talk with this guy I had been seeing for 1 year. I never understood why I am never his priority, I come behind his work, family, friends etc. I never knew where I stood and how much I meant to him. I tried to communicate million of times with him about how I felt - never could get an answer. Finally, on Sunday, after pushing for a closure, he told me it has been a very busy time for him - with his life and his business. He said he wants to have that closeness too, but he doesn't have the time.

So then, why couldn't he tell me 6 months ago and not playing with my feeling?? - is he a coward? Am I just not the "one" for him?? Don't know.

Don't understand what the deal is, afraid of commitment? Isn't he afraid of losing me - apparently not!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: clavenden
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:11pm
Yes they all do that. Your so smart! Dont get caught up like some of us did. Your already figuring it out. The truth is He wants you to be there for him so he has something to fall back on. If he wanted you he would be with you. We all know this its so simple. Yet we care we love so much that we will take any kind of "hope" thats thrown out. But it really isnt hope at all. Its a man acting like a man. And making sure if needed he has something to fall back on. He did and probably does love you so its easy for him to say all those things. But that in no shaoe or form means that in the long run this is what he wants. Or he wouldnt be taking the chance of losing you right now. He wants his cake and eat it to.. You deserve so much more Im glad your smart enough to see it
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
In reply to: clavenden
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 12:02am

Thank you for responding. I actually wish I was smarter to leave earlier. It's my fault for going so far down the road. There were clear signs at the beginning that he wasn't committed and yet, I chose to ignore. Maybe us girls only look at the positives when dating someone who we really like.

And having the thought of never seeing/hearing from him again prevented me from leaving too. I wish I knew what the future is. But the truth is, by the time I am really over him, I wouldn't care if I hear from him again. But for now, I still am hoping and wishing that one day, he'll make the contact, and I will have the chance to say "No", in front of his face.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
In reply to: clavenden
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:40pm

i know how you feel. i've done this dance with a couple of guys before.

it seems to me like he does care about you and he does "want" you but he doesn't want to deal with all the responsibilities and committments that come along with having a relationship.

relationships take work, dedication, and sacrifice. he doesn't want any of those things, he just wants you to be around when he has an urge to see you.

for some reason he is just not ready to committ.

bottom line is that you don't deserve to be in a relationship like this. he's up and down and he doesn't know what he wants or what he's willing to do to have it. don't contact him...don't respond to his text messages...don't answer his calls. at least for a while. until you are over it to the extent that you really recognize that you don't deserve a half-ass relationship even though you care about him. once you are over it, you will be able to make an informed decision about contacting him...and my guess is that you won't want to anyway once everything really clicks and it stops hurting so much.

it will get easier everyday. don't feel stupid for what you have done...the only thing you did was try to love someone. there is nothing wrong with that, you just haven't found the person that is ready to be loved or appriciates your love.

i hope this makes sense :-]

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
In reply to: clavenden
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:56pm
Thank you. I know you are so right. He keeps sending me such mixed messages but the bottom line keeps coming out here and there, and that is: he wants me with no strings attached and that will not work for me! I also believe he wouldn't be "so confused" if he truly wanted to be with me - give me a break. Ah these men - they will be the death of me. I need to get the strength to delete and forget about his messages - they are my weakness for some reason. Thank you for your reply.