Bad idea?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Bad idea?
9
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 9:50pm

I was planning on going on a trip with my ex for my birthday in a few months. We hadn't figured out yet, but it would involve golf and sun. I have always wanted to go to a certain golf resort, but could never justify the cost. Both of us are good golfers, so it would have been fun.

Now that he is no longer in the picture, my friends are hounding me to go somewhere - maybe a spa. This resort has a spa, but none of my girlfriends play golf, and its really expensive. I figure I can justify the splurge because its my 40th birthday, but I can't expect them to pay all that money just for a spa. Plus I would be playing golf alone, although that isn't a big deal.

I am thinking of going anyway - is that a bad idea? Part of me thinks it will make me depressed and I'll think of him the whole time. The other part thinks that he has ruined enough holidays and special events and I shouldn't give up a dream trip. What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: purpleshoes2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:13am
Hi Purpleshoes - I just turned 40 myself, welcome to the club! I think that's unfortunately one of the things that makes me more depressed about my recent break-up...it seems like it's harder to meet nice, single men at this age : ( I hope I find that not to be the case but I also can't even fathom being with anyone else right now. Anyway, back to your situation...my ex taught me to golf and we had taken trips together as well and I was afraid he might have "ruined" golf for me so to speak. I think it's important NOT to let that happen. I think you should go on the trip and enjoy the golf. Get paired up with three men who will likely praise you for being so good for a female ;) and will also be impressed with your independence. I know I am! You sound so strong and I feel like I'm the weakest person in the world for how I'm handling my break-up. If you have any secrets for your strength I'd love to know!! Best of luck... ka
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
In reply to: purpleshoes2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 11:38am

Me? Strong? I certainly don't feel that way. If anything, I feel that I have let this relationship (and the 2 breakups) totally consume me for 2 years. Any strength I have is due to the anger I feel - at him, for being such a liar, and at myself, for getting sucked into this situation twice. I think I have finally reached the point where I realize he is no good for me (even though I still miss him). I also think that this board has helped me a lot - knowing that other people have gone through the same thing and gotten through it is encouraging.

You are right - dating at 40 is definitely a lot different than dating at 25 or 30. My heart really isn't in it right now, but hopefully that will change in time. I think the reason that I fell so hard for my ex is that he was the first guy in a very long time who I was attracted to and I'm worried that I'll never find that again.

As for the trip, I know that the golf would be fun, and I'd enjoy the spa. My only concern is going alone. I know when I have traveled on business in the past I get very depressed being in hotel rooms, ordering room service and watching bad tv. I'm afraid that the nights will be very depressing, making me wish I was there with him. I just don't know what to do - is it better to go on the dream trip alone, or spend it with friends and postpone the golf trip until I find someone to enjoy it with?

As for you, it will get better. Some days are good and some are awful, but know that you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be with someone who realizes how wonderful you really are. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
In reply to: purpleshoes2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 1:04pm

purpleshoes,

happy (early) birthday! :) ... hope youve been doing (at least a little) better these days!

heres my personal opinion ...

although us brokenhearts should not let our ex's ruin our fun and harpen the things that make us happy and are important to us...and although i agree with you that you shouldnt give up on a dream trip just because of him... at the same time, i realistically think it will ultimately be "ruined" when youre pining over him still...

id imagine that youll have somewhat of a great time - but then there will definately be this other part of you that will just be reminded of how you are no longer wit him, and youll ultimately miss him and feel saddened...

given that, i think it would be best if you spent your birthday at a spa with your friends... go pamper yourself, have girl talk, drink, laugh, relax - and just overall enjoy your birthday to bits and pieces with the people you love and who love you back! then, once youre "better" with the whole breakup thing, - go to that dream resort!! go alone and meet new men, go alone and play great golf, go and just have a blast! ... at least then, youll be able to fully enjoy your trip to the max!

just my two cents -
keep us posted,
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
In reply to: purpleshoes2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 1:25pm

Hi purpleshoes, I think you are doing really awesome with being (appearing) strong. When I first read your post I thought you were considering still going with the ex, but I see that you know better than that, lol. I think, if it's possible, to just postpone the dream trip if you can't get one of your g/f to splurg with you. Spend you b-day with good friends for alot less $$ and save your big trip for another time. You don't want to take the chance of being depressed by yourself, and spend alot of money doing it. It's true that you *could* have a fabulous time being independent and single and meet and flirt with guys, but only you know whether you are up for that or not. So unless you are completely obligated to go with deposits and things, then just put it off for alittle bit... you never know what or who could happen in the near future... just keep praying and moving along. I bet great things are in store for you!

goodluck with your decision, and enjoy yourself on your b-day, you deserve a happy day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: purpleshoes2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 2:52pm
Thanks purpleshoes. I hope things get better, right now it doesn't feel like it at all. As for you situation, I'd say I have to agree with some of the other posters. Maybe save this trip when you know you're well enough/over him enough to not be upset at being there. Friends and family are so important now I think it would be nice too to share the day pampering yourself with friends. Have a wonderful birthday!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
In reply to: purpleshoes2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 8:25pm

Thanks everyone for your advice and kind words. I think you are right - going alone would be bad on several counts. I do have a friend who lives within driving range of the resort, so I may see if she wants to go. Since I am paying for the room, she would just have to cover her spa treatments and food. My hesitation to ask her is that while she is a friend, she is one of those friends that I prefer in small doses. I'm not sure I could spend 4 days with her, and doing so might make me miss my ex more! :o)

Anyway, I have about 6 weeks before the cancellation deadline, so I'll just wait and see how I feel then. Maybe I'll meet a great guy who loves to golf and would enjoy the trip just as much as me. A girl can dream, can't she?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: purpleshoes2005
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 10:26pm
I think going somewhere and doing something you'd really enjoy would be a great idea!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
In reply to: purpleshoes2005
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 12:08pm

i think you should definitely go. this is your dream so go for it. you don't need him for that. it may be even more fun on your own.

good luck and have a happy b-day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: purpleshoes2005
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 3:02pm
All I can think of here is "How Stella Got Her Groove Back." Go!! For heaven's sakes, find a friend and go!! Don't let yourself wallow (as tempting as it is) or get depressed or anything like that. Plan your dream vacation, splurge on yourself like a maniac, and have the best darn time of your life!!!! If you're worried about getting bored of whatever friend(s) ultimately can come with you, just remember that you're certainly not obligated to spend every waking moment with that person. Don't shoot yourself in the foot trying to talk yourself out of having a good time. Just go!!! And maybe, like Stella, find some sexy young thing while you're at it...(hehe).