Bad update ladies

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Bad update ladies
9
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 12:47am

Hi all,

Those of you who have read my post from a few days ago know where and what has happened, but things did a total 180 again tonight...

We got together for our usual "Weezie Wednesday" dinner. I had sent him a text, that said, let me know when you are leaving the office, I cannot go to the house early I assume I am locked out, he texed back, i left it unlocked for you... He left work early so he could be home at the same time as me. Had a wonderful dinner, usual lovey stuff, playing video games, etc... Then American Idol was coming on and I decided that I would iron his work clothes for the next day, moved the ironing board into the livingroom, set up shop, lol, as I was onto my second pair of pants, I decide its time to ask him something important to me... I said, "are you going to give me my key back?" he was like "WHAT!?!?" I repeated the question, and then all hell broke loose, he said, "what makes you think I am giving you a key again, who pressed the reset button on this relationship, if you want to call it that?" I was like, OMG, what just happened here...

So I said, "I just assume everything is back to normal, after 4 1/2 years, breaking up for two days, then we are back together the last three days, I think you should give me my key back" He lets out a really loud sigh, pauses for like 30 seconds, then says, "the answer to your question is NO!" I was like, why not? He said, "you will never trust me, I dont trust you, so our relationship will never go any further than like best friends who have sex" So he gets angry now, and kinda yells in my face, i tell him to stop shouting, and he accuses me of starting a fight. So I say, "guess I am done ironing now" He's like i never asked you to iron, I appreciate it, but I never asked you to do it. I was like, I have been ironing your stuff for four years, I assumed everything was back to the way we were less than a week ago, he's like, NO, ITS NOT. So I said, well I am not going to be downgraded to a regular girlfriend, that is disrespectful and hurtful that you could say that stuff, so I am leaving. He's like why are you leaving? I was like, yeah, ok, like you dont get it? Whatever, I am through with this, I am done, he was like, fine, BYE!!! I said, good bye. No tears, no drama, got my things, and dignantly walked out the door. Of corse once I got in my car I cried, and prayed for the phone to ring with, a "Weezie, I am sorry, didn't mean it, come back and of corse you can have your key" But, obviously that didn't happen, and that is it.

Sooo, back to square one! Perfect example for all of you, DO NOT CALL THAT MAN!!! Amazingly I am somewhat ok with it, I think I am just stunned that he reacted that way, but am happy about my exit, calm and quietly. I dont know what will happen, but one thing I can assure you, I WILL NOT CALL, TEXT OR EMAIL ....EVER, and when i see him at the gym tomorrow I will just say hi, and keep going.

Any feedback, support, or common situations are GREATLY appreciated! Thanks for reading!
Sadly,
Louise

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 12:56am
Im so sorry!! that sucks.... im afraid of giving you any advice. Im in a little of something, Im a screwed up..... at least, you had the balls to do what you had to do. I wish I did, or you know do the right decision. Tomorrow at the gym you should act like nothing, no emotion what's so ever. I dont understand why he cant give you the keys, if you lived in it with your stuff in the house, I'm pretty sure you have the right to have the keys.... WHAT AN ASS!! no offense... you did the right thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 3:20am

I'm sorry that happened the way it did, but my honest opinion is that I think you were wrong to assume you were going to have a key back. If someone had asked me something along the lines of, "So *when* do I get my key back?" I'd have said nearly the same thing as he did. I might have responded, "*Your* key? This is still MY house." Had you two even talked about the problem, or did it just get swept under the rug and everything was assumed back to "normal"? Things like quirks can and should be swept under the rug, things like invasion of privacy should be aired, discussed, hammered out, negotiated, resolved.

Have you ever entertained the thought that maybe he doesn't want things "back the way they were" because he hasn't been happy that way and that maybe the way things have been for four years has been broken or just hobbling along? I think that's what he meant about the reset button on this relationship. That tells me it'll be the same old, same old. It must not be apparent to you that whatever you have had with this man is indeed broken if you are on this constant back and forth every several months to a year. I remember something very similar happened last year between you, and to keep "going back" to a relationship simply because you've been together for four years without addressing the true underlying issues in it that keep driving you apart-- well, it's just not the healthiest option.

Simple longevity is not a sign of success. Every relationship must be mutually beneficial, healthy, and satisfying for both partners. Somewhere, there is a major disconnect between you and him and this concept. Before wanting to get back together with him, you might want to spend some time figuring out where that is, so the same situation doesn't continue repeating over and over.

You don't trust him. That's one of the most basic needs any man has in order to want to be in a relationship, he must feel trusted. That's the most basic building block of all between any two people. If you are breaking into and going through his email, you simply don't trust him and one or both of you are being untrustworthy. If he did something to make you feel you needed to go through his email, then the same answer applies, you don't trust him and a relationship with him will still not work until you do or can. If you can't trust him, then there's your answer too; you're either incapable or he's unworthy and neither of those is a good sign.

Somehow I have my reservations about whether or not you will actually stick to your vow to never call, text, or email him ever again (I guess actually speaking to him isn't part of that vow) but for your sake and ultimate happiness, I really do hope you can tough it out this time. You deserve a great relationship in your life, I hope you start creating that for yourself soon.

Best of luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 3:55am

WOW!! WHOA! I'm actually speachless. I may not know how to react because it's almost 1am. Well, for now I'm only gonna say I'm sorry and I'm glad you were strong enough to walk away from the situation instead of settling for less than what you would like for your life. I'll sleep on it.

For now, I'll leave you with this,

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the belief that something is more important than fear." Unknown... (But it's my favorite quote)

So hang in there and stay strong so you can conquer the battles you will face tomorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 9:53am

Hi Ladies,

Thank you for your feedback, I need it, sometimes people who dont know "us" put a better perspective on things.

As far as the "reset" button, he meant that going back to the great thing we share since I broke his trust. I am 99.9% positive that he is extremely happy in this relationship, as, it has take alot of time and patients, (he is bi-polar) to get to where I am at in all this, like, we have been looking for a house to buy, big enough for the 5 of us... he has one daughter, 11, my son, 6 and daughter 8, because I have been basically in limbo for so long. He finally took me home to meet his Dad and his wife, and two sisters for Easter, they live like five hours away, and he sees them maybe, twice a year... and said it is time for my family to meet the woman that makes me happy, when my family thought noone ever would. That went extremely well, they made me feel so at home like I have known them for years. I think they were happy to see a real woman, not just pix of the one who makes Mr. Moodswings happy. Little things like "making love" daily instead of say, hard-core sex. Him telling me he loves me regularly, which took, i swear three years to get out of him. Being on a friendly basis with his ex wife, who I think is pretty great, and used to think how could she let him go, now I kinda see how wonderful SHE is, and may have done the right thing. We do EVERYTHING together, spend every night, and the entire weekend together, every other wknd alone, and the other with the children with us. (we have it worked out with our exs so our visitations work in synch.) He periodically brings me flowers, or silly stuff like telling the woman that works the snack/lunch/shake bar at our gym that I have full access to put anything to eat or drink on his account. Calls me on his way to work each morning, when we only just parted like and hour before, calls on breaks, like three times a day, just to say hi, etc. I dont know, I just am real sure, he isn't tired or bored with me, if anything, things are like peaking at this point.

I know he struggles with alot in his head, and he has told me that I stablize him and remind him in his head that there is such thing as LOVE, and I show him how wonderful life can be as TWO. I dont know if the bi-polar thing is valid for his behavior, he is highly medicated for life, seems normal, except for his bad temper, and insecurities. My therapist years ago, told me, "your BF is bi-polar? run as fast as you can" but I never listened, I have never seen a reason to.

And yes, in the 4 1/2 years, we broke up three times, always about lifetime commitment. Last June for three weeks, 2 1/2 years ago for like ten days, and like 31/2 yrs ago for six weeks.
Each of those times it was him that came crawling back, and me being very skeptical each time. So this time, I decided to FIGHT for us, as finally I think its worth fighting for.
But I definately didn't give him the time he needs to get over (if at all) the way I hurt him, I was so weak, and jumping back into it like nothing ever happened, I was happy, but in his head he is still dissappointed with me.

So for now, I think I am going to stick to the NC thing, I will see him daily at the gym, which, I plan on being just "hello" to him, no smiles, no cute glances across the room, and of corse I am chummy with his three buddies/co-workers he comes in there with on thier lunch break, so I will chat with them, as long as he isn't standing around. I am thinking, I have to step back, be without a man, learn to trust again, my ex-husband cheated on me left and right when he started managing a nightclub, so i have trust issues, and my man, well, he got burned so bad in his previous marriage, he has tried to keep me at arms length for a long time, and finally (he told me this himself) decided to let his guard down and quit fighting his feelings for me, etc...

Today will be first test to how I handle myself, (at the gym) showing that I am JUST FINE, and my life will be happy with or without you! Of corse I will be sporting my CUTEST gym outfit! Any thoughts ladies???????? Oh, one last thing, a biggie... I was thinking of calling his ex, telling her what happened, and asking her, give me a reason to leave this man behind like you did... think that is bad?

Thank you soooo much!
Louise

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 6:13pm

OK, Weez, stick it out!!!! I know it's going to be hard, but you know what you need to do, and hopefully you will succeed and let him think about what he wants and come to you for solutions..If you don't do it this time, I can guarantee you, you will be go thru this again with him. Good luck!!!

T-West

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 7:45pm

Louise,
I think you're doing the right thing by standing your ground. I'm not sayig you won't miss him. You will. It didn't really sink in with me until my anger started settling. I'm still kind of mad about the whole thing but not furious like I was. Now the missing him has started. If you do start missing him just come to the board and get some support. We'll be here for you. Just try to hang in there and stand your ground.

About calling the ex, I would wait. And I would only call if you think you can trust her. I don't trust my guys ex as far as I can trow her. She's UUUUGH!! Anyway, I would wait to see how the next several days unfold.

Stay strong,
MsTillie in AZ

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:19pm
I think it is a bad idea to call his ex. You have already invaded his space by checking his email, and calling someone who burned him would be equally, if not more, hurtful. They had their own problems. If you never want to be with him again, you need to make that decision for yourself. If you intend on trying to work it out, he will probably never talk to you again if you call his ex-wife. At least, that's how I would feel...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:45pm

Thank you all, i thought about it, and think it is a bad idea to talk to the ex wife, It may get right back to him, and that is definatly not what i want.. I was just thinking maybe, if my ex's present GF had questions about him, if he was breaking her heart, I would open mindedly give her my input, and not tell him....

While I am at it, for those following my story, I wanted to let you know how it went at the gym today. I went with my GF Angie, who I arrive with every day, we walk through, I see him from a distance, and kind of avoid walking through the area he is in. Angie and I procede to the weights and machines of the bodypart we are working on today, and he is about ten feet away. I never once looked at him, and she told me he kept glancing over at me. Hi one buddy running on a treadmill gave me a huge wave like usual, and i said hello to two of his other friends... but HE worked out alone today, wierd! So Angie and HIM did make eye contact, and he smiled and said hi from like 8 feet away, but that was it. I never once looked at him, it was hard, I wanted to, but, figured, better get used to this, we are both there five days a week at the same time.

Then tonight, he called, twice...@ 7:13 and 7:21. I did not answer, and he didn't leave a message either. It was very easy for me to not pick up, AMAZINGLY, and for someone who was crying her eyes out this past weekend, I havent shed a tear since last nights slap in the face, or should i say shot to the heart. I think I am too angry to be upset. He has to work for me this time, I swear SANDRA, I wont contact him :)

Hugs to all,
Louise

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 12:35am

Good Girl! I'm proud of you. And good thinking about not calling his ex. Relationships are hard and Breakups are never fun and pretty so you know what you need to know. That everything wasn't perfect and beautiful for both of them. If it was they wouldn't have gotten a divorce. Well I'm really happy for you and glad you are doing ok.

=) Till