Baffled, devastated, & we work together
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| Sun, 10-24-2004 - 7:08pm |
So I have learned the hard lesson of why you should never date anyone you work with. When it ends, it makes the "no contact" rule that I strongly support impossible. Now I wouldn't consider myself to be one of those women that you would say "I told you so" to, and I went into this relationship cautiously, looking for all the signs, and yet I am still left stunned & baffled 3 months after a pretty devastating breakup.
We were together for 7 incredible months. I have had serious relationships before & I can honestly say that we were perfect for eachother (as did anyone else that knew us). And he was what most women would say is "the perfect man." Good looking, smart, successful, great in bed, not to mention everyone in the office loves him. We did not fight (yes, I know this is typically a bad sign), but when I brought up issues with him, he addressed them, and we moved forward. Sounds like a relationship that is progressing, right? And progressing we were... I will admit that at first, his vibes were telling me that he just wanted to date. But when I asked him what he wanted, he said this was not what he was expecting & that it was amazing. We met eachother's family... one week before the breakup, we spent an incredible weekend away together. I was finally getting to a point where I realized that I loved him, and that this relationship had the potential to be "the one," and then it happened. Totally out of the blue he tells me what every women in love fears hearing - "I feel it in my gut that you aren't the one. I don't know why. You're an amazing person." Blah blah blah. I could not have been more shocked. And to all those women out there who acquiesce during a breakup, I have to say that I was proud of my reaction. Yes we both cried, but I also found the courage to get angry. I demanded an explanation for his lies and did not make it easy for him. But at the end of the day he can't explain it, I am left broken hearted & wondering how to move on with my life when I don't know that anyone will ever measure up to the standards that he has set.
So what is making this breakup so tough for someone that considers herself to be pretty strong? Well there are a couple of factors.
1. I can't think of anything bad about our relationship.
Yes, we were disgustingly perfect together. Heck, we even looked good together. This makes it very hard to move forward with (gasp!) someone else.
2. I am no longer confident in my judgement & ability to read the signs.
So my judgement was good in that I noticed he just wanted to date in the beginning. In fairness to me, I gave him a chance to tell me, and he chose to lie. This I did not notice.
His last 2 serious relationships were ended by him, the most recent one he broke up with 3 times (that poor girl!) Both were cases where they thought the relationship was going one way, and he thought otherwise. Why did I think I was different from those other 2 and that I would not fall victim to this commitment-phobe?
3. We work together.
I strongly believe in the "no contact" rule. Outta sight, outta mind. However, I refuse to leave a career that I love because of him. Unfortunately, seeing him every day is like reliving the rejection over & over again. It's torture. I have tried to limit my contact with him (he is not making this easy... emailing, staring at me... yuck, what a phony). He wants to be friends, but I know this can't work. When I do see him, I do my best to hold my head high & keep walking. What makes this worse is that everyone just thinks he is so wonderful. If only they knew he what a lying scumbag he is... but I refuse to let him win by telling everyone that. The last thing I want to do is boost his ego anymore by letting him think he is worth jeopardizing my career (he is not).
So I guess I am looking for some tips/words of encouragement from anyone who has gone through the crap I have described above, particularly on moving on and dealing with the work factor! And also, like most scorned women... I am asking the question, do these guys ever get what is coming to them? Does anyone have any good stories of "What goes around comes around" to an ex?
Thanks :)

Basically, the first 3-9 months of any relationship is heavy in infatuation. That's simply: "your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself I can't get enough of you".
That keeps you doing things that impress and please to keeep the mutual desire at high flame to keep you in receipt of "I'm SO ALL THAT' as a personal perception of self - based on that other person's attention and desire for you.
So basically, after 7 months....where he had thought about it fro some period of time and probably tried to figure out "why" despite everything "going so well" - he just "wasn't that into you"......he broke up with you.
What's so wrong with that? he said from the beginning he didn't want the "job" of a relationship.
But you always did want the "position" of being in a relationship and were willing to accept whatever efforts and sacrifices it required. He wasn't - he had no problem with you offering the "benefits and perks" of the job - as an incentive to take the job...but that didn't obligate him to take the job - because he indulged in the perks that you offered without any negotiation and agreement as to final conclusion.
This no contact rule....it's not a "solution". It's simply a period where you don't see them becuase you've had so many hopes/dreams caught up in a future - that now has no potential to ever materialize. It's just the time where you get your feet back under you, your goals back in alignment, and your priorities all in a row....so that you can apreciate them fro who they are, while also acknowledging "if you didn't want me like i wanted you - you're not right for me."
It's easier to hate him for not wanting what you want....especially if you gave or indulged or sacrificed thinking he did want what you do, or that it would make him want what you do......but it's certainly nt more long-term productive to hate him for being "him".
This is the same guy that you claimed was "so perfect" - and now that he doesn't want what you want - he's a lying scumbag? Objectively, that doesn't compute.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
To address your points:
1. There may not have been anything "bad" about your r'ship from your perspective, but he has decided the two of you aren't right for each other. That happens.
2. It sounds like you might have been a bit less pro-active than you could have been in finding out what he was looking for (see my first comment, above). Next time, be more assertive and don't take "non-answers" for answers! I'm not excusing him being less than forthcoming (assuming that he knew you were looking for something serious), but you have a duty to be responsible for yourself.
3. I haven't had to deal with breaking up with a colleague, but I have friends who have, and have seen this situation come up before on the boards. What seems to work best is what you're doing...keeping contact at work to a *minimum*, and keeping it all on a professional level, no personal chit-chat at all. It will take longer to get over him since you have to see him though.
Hang in there...
Sheri
I suppose "lying scumbag" could be a bit harsh... I guess I feel more manipulated in that he knew he couldn't commit but pretended to commit just to keep a good thing going. What I am now beginning to realize is that my typically laid-back approach could be a little naive & that I need to take more responsibility in ensuring that intentions are clear much earlier on. There is a big difference between an error of omission (he told me what we had was great, but did not tell me what he wanted) and an outright lie (it's not like he told me that we were going to be together forever). Hopefully once I get past the anger & hurt, I will be able to see that more clearly!