a "beautiful break-up" ?
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| Mon, 04-04-2005 - 12:02pm |
Hi Everybody,
I'm new to this Board. I'm a 42 yr old female. I posted quite a bit on the "Abandonnment" Board a few years back about a different break up. Anyway, here's my current story:
I met a man thru my placing a personal ad one year ago. We met, and immediately fell in love. He was 7 yrs older than me, and pretty "rough" looking. There was just something in his eyes when we met, he told me he'd never hurt me and that he'd be good to me. He is a tradesman, a subcontractor, lives in the country (an hour from my city). I am college educated, legal secretary, enjoy city life and country life. He has an 11 yr old daughter who he sees every other weekend, technically, but often more than that. Also he has a Harley and is into that lifestyle.
Well - how to make a long story short? We worked on our relationship for a year. We went thru a lot. I became very ill 6 mos into it, and only started getting better in March. Now I am well again. He was very supportive thru-out. Also there were issues w/ his daughter, jealousy and competitiveness btwn us. i never wanted kids. Don't like kids, and in particular don't like his daughter. As time went on, it became obvious he drinks A LOT. He's from a European country, in the US 23 yrs. B4 meeting me, he hung out at local country bar and all his friends are alcoholics. they have parties and gatherings.
There's been great commitment btwn us - we were engaged for a time, then he broke that engagement due to financial issues, but said we were still working towards marriage.
We found that we had an amazing sex life, best we'd both ever had, not just the sex, but the deep intimacy we felt. He said he'd never loved a woman until me. But as time went on, it became clear that our basic lifestyles were completely opposite, as well as our likes and dislikes, in almost every area. it made daily life difficult at best.
Well, this man was very committed to me, the first guy in yrs to have that kind of commitment, but i kept questioning the relationship. finally he did too. So this past weekend, we broke up.
But the breakup was an amazingly intimate experience. We talked for hours, held each other, and both cried. I had a chance to tell him everything I wanted to, to ask every question. It was as "mutual" a breakup as I've ever had. We assured each other of our deep love for each other, but just felt we were too different to make it work, as well as the problems w/ his daughter. Actually the daughter is the reason we both feel it just won't work. We both feel that if it was just us, we could have made it work. It was heartbreaking, b/c we had/have so much love for each other. i've never ever been in a situation like this. my breakups have always ended w/ anger, dramatically, usually one person hating the other, no contact.
he asked if we could have contact. i told him not to contact me unless he thought we could work on the relationship. otherwise, it would be too hard, better to have no contact. so . . . this was Sunday 4/3. I had spent EVERY WEEKEND w/ this man for the past year, neglecting my own house. I talked to him 4 times a day minimum for the past year.
So there's a big emptiness. But I'm feeling okay. Actually, I'm amazed to find myself hoping he doesn't call me. I feel for the first time in months, a little spark of life coming back to me, like re-finding myself . . . maybe. I also haven't done any of the things i like to do in months - such as take dance lessons, do the "culture" things I enjoy.
it's so hard, it's so hard. to find that intimacy with someone, to have had commitment, to have come to a place where we KNOW each other, our little habits, likes and dislikes, etc., and then for it to end. and to miss the incredible sexual chemistry / intimacy we shared.
now my plan is to try and get stabilized emotionally, to work on my yard, to lose a few pounds, b4 reentering the dating life. it's too depressing to contemplate, actually, thinking of trying again.
But I learned some stuff, stuff I didn't realize, such as: 1) I will not date anyone w/ a child/children under 18, or living at home. it's just not for me. I made a choice in my own life not to have kids, and I certainly don't want to take on anyone else's. 2) common interests! my mom always said this, you need to have common interests. I didn't give it importance, but now I see she's right.
i'm just trying to handle the waves of sadness as they come, i think i can handle it.
this week I start a women's support group called "Uncoupling." i've done that b4 and it should be helpful.
thx for reading, sorry so long,
scorp
| Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:36pm |
| Thu, 04-07-2005 - 10:47pm |
