Because of his parents

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Because of his parents
10
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 10:51am

And after typing that I supppose I can understand.

However... we have been together for 6 months. I planned to move to his city (we were in a long distance relationship) but we were having some problems in the weeks before I was to visit him and look for a job.

He broke up with me, I talked him into waiting for us to be in person.

I come down, we are in bliss. He even asks me to stay another week. He is very very loving the majority of the time.

We have a book we write to each other in (today is Saturday) he writes in it Tuesday and says I can't read it until I get home. I miss my plane Wed and I ask him if he just wants me to stay thru the weekend. He agrees.

We get into an argument Friday (now, we've been together here for nearly 3 weeks... in bliss) and he tells me that he wrote that he was breaking up with me.

His reasons:
I'm too emotional
I have children and he's not ready to be a father (he knew I had kids from the very beginning)
I am not of the same social class, at least I don't act it
His parents wouldn't approve

I am 13 years older than him, but it didn't seem to matter at all at first.

His biggest reason is the parent thing, everything else can be worked out. He says it isn't even my age, but that they would just see me as not good enough. That they would never see anyone as good enough. The do not know about me by the way.

So, basically, he is throwing me away for money (they are well off).

The thing that hurts the most is that he asked me to stay another week and gave no indication that we were going to part ways.

I'm pretty angry right now at his cowardice, but I just wanted to write it down I suppose.

Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 3:42pm

We are in the same boat, well almost the same boat.
My BF and I were together for 22 months. He is 16 years younger than I am, but my child is a grown woman with her own family.
I was delighted when he told me one day that he wanted to go and see his grandchildren.
His family interfered in our relationship and if you go the message board at IVillage called Dealing with In-Laws, you will feel so validated about how you are feeling your going to float.
We've split up 4 months ago now because of his family. They held a family meeting about me and decided that he should move out. They had never met me and I was trying to smooth things over between him and his family because I wanted them to like me, that never happened. He insisted that his dad call him on our landline instead of my cell phjone and his dad kept calling my cell phone asking for him. Finally after 4 months of this and around 20 telephone calls, I called his father and said, I have a feeling you want to talk to me and he did. He wanted to be assured that if his son got ill or thrown into jail that I would telepone them. Of course I had been told not to talk to them, but this man sounded frantic, so I basically wanted to settle him down. And this was not the first time. My Bf had been ignoring their phone calls, of course I was delivering the message and he wouldn't cal them back. So I called his step mon ( his bio dad and bio mom have been divorced since he was 7 and both families are troublesome) and told her that I was older than him and that I wanted them to know that I was giving him the messages. So she was the first one really to know about what was going on between him and I. That phone call was during the first 6 months that we were together. Last Decemeber although they knew we were living together, they made their family Christmas dinner plans and the step mom excluded me entirelly. My BF invited me but I declined. Then his step mom let him know that her adopted daughter from a prior marriage wanted to get in touch with him, and gave him her phone number. He called her up and the woman only wanted to stir things up between him and his dad over something that happened the Christmas before. She is a real trouble maker, and her mother, his step mom is totally passive agressive and acts so innocent about what she has done it's pathethic. he has never been in a relationship with a woman before so he is totally like a babe in the woods when it comes to in-law stuff, but they are not. They know what it is like having a meddling in-law and then they all decided to meddle.
His sister even went so far as to tell him to get a cell phone to cheat on me, and she then announced she was having an affair and was getting a divorce. So of course she needed her baby brother for 'support'. I became irate, and am now deemed a jealous woman for pointing out their flaws to them.

Anyway, they are in total control of his life and he refuses to see that they have meddled.
To make things worse, his dad is the boss of a business where he and his sons both blood and step work. If my BF were working for his dad it would be one thing for his dad to run that area of his life, but to meddle and interfer in his personal life is a bit much.

Good Luck and I we both get over this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 4:53pm

Thanks so much for your words.

I wanted him to at least tell them about me. I've been tried and been found guilty before I even have a chance to present my case.

I'm a catch. I don't see why I wouldn't be 'good enough'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 7:26pm

(Sorry for all the typos in the other post, I keep getting bumped offline and the entire mess makes me emotionally upset.)

First. They are the ones with the problem, NOT you!!!
In many ways, maybe we should be thanking our lucky stars that they went in that direction.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 3:37am

I can understand why you are angry at him. That sounds like a logical response. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's always difficult to lose a love, no matter what the reason. It sounds like you really have to let him go. It's really hard for some people to go against their parents' wishes. You could well ask why he got involved with you to begin with, right? But we're not perfect. I got involved with my ex even though I had an intuition he wasn't ready for marriage and that's something I really want. In a sense, I was irresponsible for doing so, in the same way that your ex was irresponsible for getting involved with you when he must have known the relationship couldn't be permanent. Maybe you should be thankful that you had this time with him, no matter how short it was. Perhaps it will make your eventual relationship a richer experience. It sounds like you just have to let him go and move on. He has made his decision. It's unfortunate, but it sounds like there's nothing you can say or do to make him change his mind.

Again, I'm sorry for your pain. We're all going through the pain of breakups on this board, and we help each other. Stick with the board and we will get you through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 6:50am

Thanks a lot.

I just hurts so much that I've been tried before I get a trial.

I have fantacies that I contact his parents and tell them about me. If anything so they will give him some slack in his relationships. From the talk we had, it seems that he feels no woman he goes out with will be good enough.

So, unless something gives, either his parents or his courage, he will never be happy with someone for any length of time.

I think he purposefully begins long distance relationships because he thinks they don't last. But once it became a reality that it would no longer be long distance and that he would eventually want to spend the rest of his life with me... I'll just let you guys finish that.

I know I was getting involved with people long distance a lot easier than I was in 'real life' because it was more surreal and didn't seem so serious... but this one was different... oh god, now I am cracking again. I can't think that way.

I am surviving right now by telling myself that I don't want to be with someone that is a coward like he is being. He is afraid of being disowned. And if he isn't disowned, he's afraid of what his family might think of him or what they would say.

I don't want to be with someone who can't let a few words slide off his back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 12:36pm

UPDATE: Seems he is upset that I made my status 'Single' on MySpace already.

And after weeks of bugging him to put me in his top 8, he ... put me there this morning.

He acts as if I broke up with him and not the other way around...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 1:44pm

I wouldn't call his parents especially since you have never met them.

Good Luck, it sounds as though he still cares about the relationship, and hopefully will want to work things out.

You first though, or rather the two of you first, parents second...
You still have to worry about your child(ren) too, and whether or not they will accept him as their father.
My daughter has a way of fouling things up in my relationships and I don't know why.
She is married with two children of her own. She couldn't stand her father and was happy when we divorced, but when he died, during the divorce, things changed. I don't expect my BF or spouse to sort out her problems, it isn't fair, and she is the only one who can resolve her own life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 1:46pm

Oh I know I shouldn't contct them, but I still have a fantacy to do so.

My kids adore him :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:17pm

They have the power to hurt you though, and you should wait until he formally introduces you.
The ball is in his court and when he is ready to tell them about you and your children he will.

My daughter sparked up to my ex at Christmas time and so do my grandchildren, but she still can push my buttons. She even defended me to him one day. He kept refering to my mother myself, and I kept telling him, I am nothing like my mother, so I asked her to straighten him out about that and she did. :).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:21pm

Oh don't worry, I won't.

and I am 99% sure he will not tell them about me.

I do not want to get my hopes up at all.

I'm doing better today and hope to be that much better tomorrow :)