Becoming Friends With an Ex Girlfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Becoming Friends With an Ex Girlfriend
6
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 1:55am

Hi Everyone,

I was active on the board several months ago, my ex girlfriend lives above me. Well due to a series of events I spoke to her again after 3 months of N/C. It's been confusing because I initially thought she wanted to get back together. But I found that that wasn't the case, that she is working on her own issues. She tells me that it's possible that we will get back together in the future. I really don't think that's something that will happen but I wish it would come true. I'm searching for some guidance of how to deal with being friends with one's ex. It's been tough, on one hand it took me a while to get it in my head that we were just friends..I think that may continue to be a stuggle. I know there's no simple answer but I could really use some direction. I'm afraid I'm going to get stronger feelings for her and my life will revolve around someone who doesn't want to love me or marry me in the future. I'll keep it there but I can certainly elaborate.

Thank you,

Eric




Edited 7/8/2007 2:04 am ET by cfrenzy
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 12:01pm

Are you completely over your romantic feelings for her? If not, then it's too soon to try to be friends.

A simple test is imagining how you would feel if she started talking to you excitedly about this new guy she'd met. Would you be happy for her, or would it make you upset and jealous? If the latter, then it's too soon.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 1:14pm

Dear Sherri,

I'm not sure I have much of a choice in the matter of being friends, I'm certainly not over her. But she has told me that if I start not talking to her that she will never talk to me again and what I'm really doing is emotional blackmail. She tells me that she can't date anyone because of her issues (I respect that)...I'm stuck in that I'm not sure I can move on in any way...yet she will not compromise because she feels I will be disrupting her life and her apartment (she said she'd move and never talk to me again) if I ask for space. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Eric

P.S.: A note to Judy if she reads this: I wish things were easier, I want to be friends but I still love you and have feelings for you. And I know you tell me you can't date or be in a relationship with your issues. I'm just searching for something that might work...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 1:20pm

Wow--she's accusing YOU of emotional blackmail?????

Uh, I don't think so. You're doing what any reasonable person needs to do to move on after a breakup. Threatening to never speak to you again because you need to take those steps--now *that's* blackmail.

Why you'd want to be friends with someone like that, I'm not sure.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 8:25pm

Eric,

You do have a choice, you just need to make it. You control you and what happens in your life. I am friends with a couple of my ex's, I even tried to fix one of them up with someone else, but I have no feelings for them other than friends.

Her issues are hers and hers alone. You are not the cause of them. A real friend would not try to blackmail you into anything. And that is exactly what she is doing. If she wants to move let her. I can almost guarantee if you told her that you wanted your space and you couldn't be friends right now, she would not move. She is not showing you any respect. Let her work on her issues and you work on yourself and at some point maybe you can be friends. Why do want someone that dis-respects you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 8:41am

Hi Sassisizz,

Thank you for your suggestions. Right now I'm in a depression and it would be difficult to get some space. Just wondering what's going to happen when she decides to start dating. Maybe I can get some space then.

Sincerely,

Eric

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 5:26pm
Holy Cow - if SHE WAS YOUR FRIEND, she would understand your need to heal and have no contact.