Been Thinking...I know its bad!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Been Thinking...I know its bad!
25
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 8:13am

Ive been processing alot of whats happend between him and I think thats important to do just to avoid making the same mistakes again.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 11:05am

hey lady,


good for you for trying to figure out the profile of a cheater. it's a good exercise to help avoid them. i will caution from personal experience, that you will tend to see a cheater behind every tree in the future, so beware of that. better to be safe (with information) than sorry (alienating a new guy without reason).


i think with this, you hit the nail on the head:


:but is it possible, that he has seen others do it, maybe as he grew up, so he figures they got away with it, so why not?:


i haven't personally researched the influence of a cheater father on his sons, but i bet if you look in that direction you'll find a match. i strongly suspect my cheater ex's father was also. when he was with his dad they were like buddies, i didn't sense the normal respect from him for his father. his father was very competitive with him also. i figured out later his dad probably was a cheater.


whatever you do, DON'T blame your sexy self! you rocked his world, it's just that he wanted to live in more than one world. that's so selfish...


hugz.



 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 11:36am

Hi-


I have no idea what makes a person unable to commit, as I question my own break-up situation. I think it is fear.


However, I think you are right to a certain degree..he grew up around cheaters, it is not abnormal for him/his mind processes. I do not think it is right. You deserve much better. I have been cheated on before, and I know it hurts. When I did look back, I missed all of the signs. I thought, how stupid of me, what is wrong with me? etc. There is nothing wrong with you. Obviously this is a pattern for him, and rest assured he will cheat on the next "girlfriend", IMHO.


Hugs,


Charmed

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 11:58am

This is one of those exercises in futility, but I'll bite this one time. Reason I say it's futile is because you're wasting energy, you truly are, by focusing one why HE'D cheat on you, rather than on why you're sitting there losing time thinking about a guy who cheated on you.

Anyway, Just because you rocked his world, and obviously you did, doesn't mean he was at all satisfied by that to have just you rock it. He wanted someone else to rock it too. Feel better? I'm going to bet not.

Thing is, cheating is rarely about sex. That's how it ultimately manifests itself, but it starts out with something else that's missing in the relationship. For long relationships that were otherwise good for a long time prior to the cheating, a combination of lack of intimacy and boring routine is usually the culprit. For shorter relationships that haven't developed into marriage or similar commitment, typically the problem is lack of character in one of the partners, in this case, your ex.

Your job isn't to dissect why he did it, your job is to figure out how you missed the signs.

Again, your focus needs to be ON YOU.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 1:04pm

You're wasting your time, hon!!!


Seriously--you're never going to be able to understand why someone doesn't want to be monogamous because you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 1:24pm

Sue,


Holy cow.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 1:28pm

I just wanted to add, I think it's very interesting and telling that pretty much every single poster on this board and the other board has given you a different reason why people cheat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 2:25pm

introspection or outerspection is never wasted time or energy. have all of you been cheated on? then you know how your self-esteem takes a hit and you spend time trying to figure out what was wrong with you, them, the relationship. no matter how much you tell us otherwise, when we've been cheated on we WILL spend time trying to figure it out.

i'm always surprised that people think that trying to understanding what happened to us is an exercise in futility. that's not really supportive, to tell people to just suck it up, forget it and move on, especially given that some of us are here to figure out what happened & try to keep it from happening again.

i am going to take the opposite position: spend some time trying to figure it out & see if there's anything you want to do differently next time. me, i want to not chase, to remain a challenge, to not give it all up (emotionally), to catch the lies right at the beginning, to leave at the first one.

in my experience an ounce of thoughtfulness about break-ups (and especially about cheaters) is worth a pound of success in the next one.

IMHO, there is a more positive way to respond to posts rather than implying that our thoughts and opinions are unwarranted. even the title of this post implies that lady knows that people will jump all over her for thinking.

lady, i applaud thinking. it's never bad. better to think & post it here than go to your ex about it.

_________________________________________________

"If someone is not treating you with love & respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you."

"Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves."

-- The Four Agreements

http://seeing-single.blogspot.com




Edited 11/3/2007 2:39 pm ET by devuchka

 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 2:58pm

Yes, I have been cheated on, and I spent far too long trying to understand how someone could have done that to me before realizing it was a total waste of my time and energy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 4:11pm

Devuchka,


Thanks for your support and your right : the subject line tells it all...I knew I would take some hits for thinking (LOL) but Im willing to listen to both sides of something.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 4:13pm

Sheri,


I appreciate what your saying and I understand completely. As I wrote in my post above I know your just trying to protect me and help me.....thank you!


 

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