Being the Breaker
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| Tue, 07-11-2006 - 9:26am |
I've just recently realized a lot about myself, and starting looking inward to find things about what I want out of a relationship. I have found myself in one for the past two months with someone that I met, kissed and fell for rather fast. Our relationship progressed at a steady rate, and without even knowing it we skipped courtship and figuring things out and immediately became attached at the hip. He swears to me that he loves me more than anything and can see a future with us, because I'm different than everyone else he's ever met. He see's me and feels like it's fate. The only problem is, last week I broke it off with him saying I needed some time and space to think things out. Im not sure if I feel the same way about him, but I dont know what I want. Sometimes I look at him and I dont see my type, but then, I must have seen something to start something with him. I'm confused because half of me wants to only care about myself for the first time and put my foot down, going out into the world solo for a while and discovering if I truly want this man in my life, because I might be simply settling. I find him to be an amazing person, who I can have amazing conversations with and when we first got together, an amazing physical relationship with, but it seems like somethings missing. Now that we've been broken up, he's taking it extremely hard because he does not understand it and I can't seem to offer many answers due to not knowing what exactly I am doing either. Something in me just seems to be telling me that being with him isn't for me, or that the way he is now isn't what I want in a man. I also don't think I can handle any serious relationship of that kind, that fast, right now.
We've been speaking since the breakup, a far less amount than normal but still speaking and being very open about feelings. He's doing a lot of soul searching, and saying things that make me wonder if I'm skipping out because Im afraid that he's what I want, and it's easier to say that he isn't so im not stuck there. He's devistated, and trying his best to think of ways to get me back. I dont know what to do from this point. Should I expect that these problems are my own to work out, to bring me back to him? Or should I aim for staying out of any romance with him? I'm so confused!

Well, it kind of is.
Ask yourself: 'Can I see myself spending the rest of my life with this person?'
If that doesn't help, list pros and cons. By the cons, say 'Can I live with this?'
I could be wrong, but I like KISS methods for stuff...
While I'm sorry that things came to a screeching halt with your guy, I'm glad to see you're doing some soul-searching to try and understand what is going on inside yourself.
I don't think you have to know anything about how you feel about anyone you've only known for two months except to know you like them enough to want to get to know them better.
Thank you so much sandra for your words. They meant a lot to me and said a lot to make me think. I think the hardest part of this whole thing is me realizing that I may not even want to be persuing this with him because I feel more of a connection with him on a plutonic level than one that's red-hot and involved. I didn't feel that way when we first got together, because I think honestly I was just so excited to have someone that cared about me. He showed intrest in me when we met, and we kissed the first night we met at that party. Granted, i was a bit drunk and upset about some other things and didn't expect it to go anywhere because it never does. But then when he called me the day after and we started to hang out, it just kind of sped out of control and before I knew it, we were talking 24/7, writing emails and spending a lot of time together, meeting each other's families, having sex and arguing like a married couple. And that was just two months into it, and my breaks just turned on. I think mostly because I wasn't too sure I even wanted it, I just sped off in that direction because well, i could and I wanted to. I think it was impulsive and a bit immature but I went with it because for the longest time my philosophy was, why worry about it and not go with what happens. And that's what I did. I think it may be my own fault that I feel like this, and not his, but I can't help it too much that I constantly dream about being able to find someone that makes me want to both pick his brain for intellectual conversation AND have amazing sex with, loving every second of it. There was just something that wasn't right and I can't put my finger on it, and I feel silly for thinking that someone will just walk into my life and be what I want. But then again if they did, how would I know?
It just seems that I know what I find attractive and sadly, either they dont enjoy me or things just dont work out. And then there's opputunities where I meet someone like this guy, who i think is cute, and worth a shot, and i get invovled with and bam, im realizing that i've kind of been careless and started something with someone im not sure about.
Another problem is that he wants to do things together, like catch a movie coming up, and he says things like "it might be awkward but it's worth seeing you" and he keeps saying "trust me, ive been here with my previous relationship and when she tried to ignore me completely and figure things out on her own we were both miserable" which makes me feel like he's trying to persuade me that im making the wrong decision which I dont like to hear from him because it's my decision. I'm just so confused.
....."I think the hardest part of this whole thing is me realizing that I may not even want to be persuing this with him because I feel more of a connection with him on a plutonic level than one that's red-hot and involved.".....
Ok, so question for you:
Thank you so much Sandra, I'll write down the name of that book and look it up next time I'm around the book store. I love reading books like that, especially if they open my eyes. I'm going to just take this slow like you said and see what happens. We're going to be interacting soon by going to a movie together, he suggested. I wasn't sure at first but I thought about what you said about taking it slow and seeing what happens and you're right. If we continue this way, slowed down a bit and just interacting on a different level than the way we first did when we first met, perhaps there can be more underneath the surface. I think it's hard when you immediately fall for someone, and rush into things, because in about two months you've been so close and intimate with them it feels like you've been with them for years which on one level could excite you and make you feel like you love them deeply enough to say you want to marry them, or cause you to panic because you feel suffocated and dead in a relationship that has now grown to bore you cause everything's alreayd out there to be out there. I think stepping back, i've already seen some things about him that I didn't know were there and that's important to me. I also think he'll see new things about me, which he alreayd stated he did, being that he realized that our perceptions of the world and nature are two different levels and he realized mine was more open to seeing reality of the beauty thats in our world while he didn't think twice abuot it. he wrote a blog that I happened to stumble on (im sure he kind of put it out there on purpose) about how he realized he may have been taking things for granted in his life, one of which was me and him. (We saw each other countless times a week, almost 24 hours a day for a good two months and now we see each other zip). I think he may realize that he can't slack off on trying to be his best at first, cause even like you said, the best relationships need a little push sometimes.
We're still broken up at this point, I have decided to simply rely on time and patience to tell me whats going on. We talk, and we are taking things slow, I may find something I didn't know was there or I may find nothing. I think the hardest part was trying to force it, and I can't do that, i realize. So we'll take things slow and see what happens I assume.
I'll keep you posted, thanks for your help again.
<3