being the dumper, yet he won't let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
being the dumper, yet he won't let go
4
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 11:59am
Hi everyone. Contrary to almost everyone's posts, I was the one who did the breaking up with. I was with my boyfriend for about 5 and a half months and just knew it wasn't working. We started taking breaks and I started having doubts and it just went downhill. So I finally ended it. It wasn't fair to him because he is in love and I'm not. I feel so bad for him because I broke up with him like 5 times before this and he took me back each time, that's just not healthy. We are officially over and it's really hard for me to believe it. But I feel a lot better and know it was the right thing to do. This is a big step for me. He know's for sure I'm the one, so that makes this so hard, he still thinks that in a couple of years I will figure out that he is who I want, and the sad thing is, is that he would take me back probably! I told him it would be hard to be friends and he agreed but yet he still calls me and occasionally wants to do lunch. I understand that no contact is best, but we do care about each so I will talk to him every now and then right now but it will just be to a minimum. Eventually in a couple weeks or so I am sure there will be hardly any contact, (he is just the type of guy that I have to do this gradually with) I want to be friends but what is best right now is to slow down the contact so he can understand the reality of this and then maybe we can be friends later on. I can say that this being my first relationship, I have learned so much, for example- what being in love is supposed to be like, how a guy should treat a girl and vice versa, not to be wishy-washy and to not play games with someone's heart, not to make them your life and be with them every single day (that's a big one for me!) and there is so much more. So I'm wondering has anyone been in this boat? Been the dumper? What did you do about contacting each other...and how do you handle hurting someone and what can you do to keep busy and not let it consume you?? Thank you for reading and I look forward to hearing what ya'll think!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 1:06pm

::He know's for sure I'm the one, so that makes this so hard, he still thinks that in a couple of years I will figure out that he is who I want

That's two things - 1) his ego talking and 2) being so overwhelmed and caught up in his own feelings that he's not given one thought to yours.

You will have to be the one to enforce No Contact. That means not answering his calls and not agreeing to lunch.


Carrie

Avatar for freckpp
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 7:44pm

WOW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 8:10pm
Thanks for the replies...and to freckpp, I am glad to know that someone is in a similar situation. Sometimes you just think you are the only one! Well I happened to learn the hard way as to how to deal with this. I agreed to meet him for lunch today thinking it would be very casual and fine, but boy was I wrong. He basically begged for another chance, and cried and said he really wants to be with me. I had no idea what to do. Well he keeps thinking I am leaving him for someone else so he wanted to look through my phone, and I told him he didn't really have a right since he's not my boyfriend (i'm not talking to any other guy by the way), and i felt really bad because it was cruel to say, but it's the truth and that's what hit him hard. He slammed my car door and left, and called me up and said he wanted all the jewelry he gave me back and called me names. His love is almost scary because he is so obsessive so I am glad I am getting out. So I FINALLY now know that no contact is the absolute best thing to do right now. Although I have to see him tomorrow to drop that jewelry off. His heart is so fragile and if we talk on the phone it will give him hope. And like freckpp mentioned, I had a routine too where I would call him at lunch and before I went to bed. It was just like my daily things to do, so it feels so weird not doing that. The Rascal Flatts song "What hurts the Most" that is out right now is like what I am going thru, I relate to that so much. You just begin to rely on that person to be there and are so used to it, that when it's gone, it is an unexplainable feeling. Attachment is a powerful thing. Although it's not enough to stay with him or anything. So anyway yes, no contact at all right now for a long time. I also have his cousins going off on me and calling me a bitch and stuff, so that doesn't help. It's hard because I don't have many close friends. So I have to deal with this mainly alone, hopefully it will make me a stronger person I guess. But please keep posting your thoughts and advice! Thanks!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 11:31pm

I've been in your position, and I've been the dumped one also. I know from experience that if the person who dumped you continues to have contact with you, it gives the dumped person HOPE...and how painful that is. So, I don't keep in contact with someone where I'm the one who broke it off until enough time has passed that I can be pretty sure he's over me, because I don't want to give him false hope.

Sheri