Being the other woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2008
Being the other woman
8
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 6:10pm

I fell in love with a married man. First, please don't judge me. I know that will be hard for those of you who hate the "other" woman who may have slept with your boyfriend/husband. I can honestly say that it was a mistake, not only because now I am left standing alone but because it was morally wrong and I knew that. I used to swear I would never date a married man. I was so outspoken about it that my friends that did cheat felt that they couldn't talk to me about similar situations without me getting mad and being able to offer unbiased information.

I found myself down and out for multiple reasons. My self-esteem went from soaring to flooring (part of a called off engagement and weight gain). I moved to try and start over and happened to move to a place where an old friend lived. He stated to be unhappy in many ways. I didn't succomb to his advances right away but the more alone I felt in this new city the easier it was to accept the attention he gave me. This is not an excuse for my actions. I do believe that if I had a stronger support system, this wouldn't have happened.

A brief bio on his situation (all according to him): His wife cheated on him with a woman. She (the other female) basically moved in for a few months while he was on a 7 month deployment. The day he came home from the deployment she told him she wanted a divorce. For whatever reason they are still together three years later. They have been married for 13 and he has been cheating (I am not the first or the last) for the last 5 years. He said they barely talked when they were home together and that all she did was sit on the computer and play games. He needed and wanted more attention. He told me numerous times that he new his marriage was over and that he didn't have the balls to face it.

All of this made it easier to be with him. It didn't make it ok. I felt good because I finally had someone (physically and mentally). I am the type of person who will do almost anything to make you happy. I felt that I was giving him something that she wasn't able to give him: happiness and passion. When I asked him why he cheated he said because there was no passion in their relationship. He also said that it was convenient to have someone to come home to every day. I have never been married but I didn't think that was a good enough reason to stay married. I remember him telling me once (the answer to some question I asked) that if he wasn't cheating with me it would be someone else. This hurt a lot because obviously I was just filling a void, yet I continued to see him.

I tried to end it a few times but gave into my weakness of wanting to have someone to hold, kiss, have dinner with, watch our regular shows with, go to weekend events with and cuddle with. His wife has been gone the last 5 months and is due home in June. So, I finally decided to call an end to it on my own terms instead of waiting for her to come home and have to deal with it then. I still have two months of having to attempt to be strong and not give in calling, e-mailing or texting him.

I know this whole situation is wrong, so why do I feel so crappy about it? All I could think about at work today was how bad I didn't want to come home. I looked at my phone over 50 times hoping there would be a message from him. He was never mine to begin with but the things he did and some of the things he said gave me hope. If he is as unhappy as he states, why not get out of the relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2008
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 7:03pm
So lets say he left the relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

******************************************* “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2008
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 7:26pm
I have thought about that before and I would never be able to trust him. I would always wonder who he was calling when I wasn't around, or e-mail from work or texting while I was at the store. I don't believe him now either. But, I don't know if I believe anyone when it comes to relationships. It seems pointless to be in a relationship because it always ends up in disappointment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 9:16pm

Welcome to the board casadiya12,


::I know this whole situation is wrong, so why do I feel so crappy about it?


Because you have feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2008
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 3:53am
How can you ask us not to judge you when you are HOPING someone's marriage will end?



And not even end for your own benefit, because this guy obviously would not marry you and live happily ever after, you even say this yourself, that you wouldn't trust him. So that's not even wanting his marriage to end for a good reason.



So why do you REALLY want this to end?



I'll take a guess. This obviously isn't about love. He definitely doesn't love you by any stretch of the word, because "if I wasn't cheating with you, it would be with someone else" implies you could be anyone to him. He calls you "convenient." Sweetie, convenient means nice to have, but he could do without it. Like the remote control - nice to have, makes things easier, but you really don't need it to watch tv, and you could watch tv fine without it.



You don't sound like you're in love with him either. You never say, "I want to hold him," "I want to kiss him," "I want to cuddle with him" - what do you say? "my weakness of wanting to have someone to hold, kiss, have dinner with, watch our regular shows with, go to weekend events with and cuddle with." So we have established he's not really someone you love.



So what is it you're REALLY seeking, if not love?



Validation. If someone kisses you, you feel validated. Even if it's not real validation. If someone is affectionate with you, you feel validated. If you think you have a relationship, even if it's a pretend relationship, you feel validated.

You don't want his wife to come home, because that that will wipe out any sort of validation you thought you felt. You knew what you were getting wasn't real validation, and when she comes home, it will just be proof of that, and you'll have to face that truth. If he left the relationship - wow, wouldn't that just be the ultimate validation? But you're so sad because you know that will never happen. Not because of you, anyways.


That's why you feel so crappy, because you know this isn't real, and you know any small glimmer of "hope" you have will just be let down. I can't say I feel sorry for you. I do feel bad that he treated you like crap, but then again, you let him. He told you what he felt, he was honest about that, but you still chose to get involved.
Now it's time for you to be honest with yourself.

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." -Confucius

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." -Confucius

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2008
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 3:58am
"It's hard enough figuring ourselves out, so I wouldn't recommend you try to figure him and his motives out."


Ain't that the truth! That should be the official motto of this board. If everyone lived by this, we'd waste a lot less time over people we can't control (the exes) and have more precious time focused one whose actions we can control (our own).

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." -Confucius

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart." -Confucius

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2008
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 5:47am
I didn't mention this in my last post, but the guy who my X was "casually" dating when we were together was married, and it didn't seem to bother her at all... Actually she seemed to treat it as an accomplishment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2008
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 7:45am

You are probably right about the validation, however, I want to make a clarification. Convenient was what he used to describe his marriage, not me. Yes, I was very convenient to him and he may have thought that about me as well.

I also want to reiterate that I am not hear asking anyone to feel sorry for me. I am taking complete responsibility for my actions.

I appreciate everyone's advice and point of view, whether it makes me feel better or feel worse.

I may have posted this on the wrong board. Is there a way to delete messges from boards or do you just have to EDIT them?




Edited 3/25/2008 8:05 am ET by casadiya12
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 11:46am

Hi,


You can't delete posts, only edit them, but if you just leave them and no one replies, they eventually go to the second page and get forgotten.