The BEST advice I have received yet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
The BEST advice I have received yet!
6
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 11:13am

I am going through a breakup with my boyfriend of almost 8 years. I am moving to another city and have even bought my first condo. I was SO afraid and even thought I was making the wrong decision when I read this FANTASTIC book called "Who Moved My Cheese?" by Dr. Spencer Johnson and honestly, it has changed my entire perspective. Basically it's about 2 mice and 2 mini people in the same maze, looking for "cheese" - cheese is whatever you want it to be, whatever you are after in life - happiness, a great job, and in this case A BETTER, MORE FULFILLING RELATIONSHI. The story is about how the "people" get left behind when their cheese supply runs out and they start to starve because of their fear (and other human emotions) of going back into the maze, wondering whether they would ever find cheese ever again. Gosh, it's a really great book (takes an hour to read) and I already picked up copies for EVERYONE I know.

In short, here are the lessons from the book (the stories that accompany these lessons really put it into perspective, which I can't capture here). I especially love #4, #6, #7, #8, #9...actually, they're all pretty darn right on the money...

1) Having "cheese" makes you happy
2) The more important your cheeese is to you, the more you want to hold onto it
3) If you do not change, you can become extinct
4) What would you do if you weren't afraid? (Excellent question that we should ALL ask ourselves)
5) Smell the cheese often so you know when it is getting old
6) Movement in a new direction helps you find new cheese (The sheer act of moving forward will bring exciting adventures our way!)
7) When you move beyond your fear, you feel free (I do! I do!)
8) Imagining yourself enjoying new cheese, even before you find it, leads you to it
9) The quicker you let go of old cheese, the sooner you find new cheese (SO true!)
10) It is safer to search in the maze than remain in a "cheeseless" situation (Complaining endlessly about a bad relationship is useless...)
11) Old beliefs do not lead you to new cheese
12) When you see that you can find and enjoy new cheese, you change course
13) Noticing small changes early helps you adapt to the bigger changes that are to come
14) Move with the cheese and enjoy it!
15) Savor the adventure and enjoy the taste of new cheese (There are SO many different kinds of "cheese" out there for us to discover and enjoy!)

Cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 2:26pm

Hi Cathy, I posted the following under Amanda's thread because your story is so similar to mine. Just want to make sure you see it:

I know this is Amanda's post (sorry Amanda), but Cathy I just read your email to Amanda and I am in the exact same situation...except I have just rapped up everything you are about to do. I'll not go into the details except to say that my situation was so similiar to yours it was like reading my own words; my ex and i were together six years though. The reason I'm writing is because I am now in my new condo (the one I bought) and it is the most therapeutic, relaxing, and fantastic experience. You are going to love it!!! Before I moved in, I worried and worried because I had bought this for us, it was supposed to be our first home together but I decided after the 800th fight about his porn addiction that I really thought our life values were completely different and I didn't want my new place to be the same stressful environment. So, I booked a trip to Europe with a girl friend and he booked a trip to Vegas to see some strippers. Talk about proving my choice was the right one! But, now that I'm all moved in, I have actually realized that all of the lead up was so much harder than the *reward* of having my *own* space. I wake in the morning and it is my energy I feel, and it is peace. My own self-respect, happiness, and self is returning. Each day I grow. Plus I paint, decorate, change hard ware, read about budget living and it really is just so absolutely fun. On top of it, you also have a physical entity that shows your growth and change. And it's a change that feels really special and fantastic. I am so proud of you, Cathy. From what you wrote you sound like an amazing woman who is about to embark on a really fanastic journey. I wish you all the luck in the world!! And remember the loneliness that sneaks up will pass. Fill your life. Enjoy your friends. Throw a house-warming, a brunch, join a book club, or an art club. This is your life now and all that energy that used to go into your relationship is now your own again. Enjoy it. All the best to you.

I will check out the book. Thanks for the reccomendation.
Katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 10:08pm

I think the company I work for had some program that went along with this book...it replaced out "bright ideas" program...iut was an incentive program for people to come up with ideas to improve things at work.

Anyway, I'm glad it helped you and thanks for sharing!!!

Take care and keep us posted!!












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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 12-06-2004 - 5:52pm
Dear Cathy-Thanks! That is exactly what I needed to read. I am in a relationship which is BLAH. No excitement. The guy is nice, but I avoid seeing him because there is no chemistry for me. I feel guilty about wanting to end it. I am 40, never been married, no kids, which gives me a feeling of despreation & I feel I will never meet anyone. I am fairly attractive, thin, educated & nice. It is my low self esteem keeping me in this. But you are right, if I do not want more, I will never go out to find more. But why do I feel guilty?? I feel I deserve more, this man has to be told everything and I am tired.
Any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 11:22am

Hi there! (You didn't sign your post)

Because it's taken me so long to get out of my relationship, now I don't want to spend ONE more day being unhappy and daydreaming about what my life COULD be like when I have total control over my own happiness and can start living the life I want TOMORROW! Life is just too short. You'll never find anything better if you don't get out there and start looking and if you don't look you'll never know whether there is something better for you out there. I honestly believe now that it's better to try and stumble a couple of times initially than to stay in a stagnant relationship. The excitement of trying something new is enough to rejuvenate you. And the fear about not finding anyone else...pshaw! You WILL find someone else but even if you didn't it is better to be independent at ANY age than be in a lackluster relationship. It's not enough to be with a "nice" guy who is "okay" in every sense of the word. You have to truly love and be in love with the person you're with - look at it this way, by being with someone you aren't really passionate about you are denying this person the true love that he deserves! Again, life is TOO short. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life with this man, why spend another day with him? What's the point? I finally realized this. I love my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend and will always love him but I can't see us being a happily-married couple. Perhaps you don't have to tell him why you don't want to be together anymore. You describe him as being a nice-enough guy anyway so this has more to do with your feelings than his. You don't want to hurt him needlessly. Think about what you would do and what kind of person you would be with if you could have it your way and let this motivate you.

I am scared to death about being on my own but I am so excited too. The fear is exciting in itself and it makes me feel stronger that I am facing it head on. I hadn't challenged myself in a long time and this is just what I needed to get off my butt and start GROWING again as a person. If a person's current environment if not contributing to their growth, it's time to move on. You have to plan for change! Let the new year be all about what small steps you can do for yourself right NOW to make yourself happier.

Cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 12:29pm
Thank you for recommending this book, I have heard of it and it sounds like something that I would enjoy reading. I too am moving to another city (Chicago) in April, I have one gal friend up there but that's it so I am pretty much starting over (not to mention I am also looking forward to an entirely new group of guys). I have wanted to move for a while (I have basically lived here for the last 21 out of my 27 years) but seemed to stumble into relationships and decided to stay here instead and I realize that has been a large part of my being unhappy, I simply have not been fulfilled with my life. After my most recent break up I took a long gaze and reflected on my life, especially some things that had happened this year and realized I needed to do some major changes if I wanted to be happy. I think starting over will be very rejuvenating for me. You can't drive forward if you are always looking in your rearview mirror.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 12:33am
Thanks so much for that. I'm going thru the same confusion you are. That really helped.