The Best Option?
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|Fri, 07-19-2013 - 8:23pm|
Background: I've been married to my husband for almost 4 years and we have a beautiful 2 year old son. My husband was the first man I was really involved with, as I am pretty shy. Since he was the first guy I've ever really dated, I had a steep learning curve in intimate relationships to navigate and I've made a lot of mistakes. We dated for a year before we were engaged and I really enjoyed dating him. When he proposed, if I am honest with myself, I wasn't ready. But I felt like I couldn't say no (this is a pertual problem, I have virtually no backbone). So we got married. I did all the work to plan the wedding and was exhausted by the end. I felt like I couldn't open up to him or ask for help. Clearly this is unhealthy behavior but I was young and really didn't understand how unhealthy. We got pregnant immediately (an accident) for lack of communication. I don't remember at what point he went from sweet guy to crazy adult tantrum guy, but it seemed gradual. And then I was dealing with someone who was screaming at me that all our problems were my fault. And because of my lack of self confidence, I took all of that on and promised to change. Of course that was the wrong approach and didn't work out at all. We bought a condo together (dumb) without really communicating. Finally after a knock down drag out fight (figuratively), we started seeing a counselor. The counselor pegged him as controlling and suggested I become more assertive (I can't say that's not valid). We spent a 1.5 years in counseling. After that, we felt we had made such progress, we stopped. We agreed to have another child. We started moving forward. And then adult tantrum guy came back. And I pushed back and told him that behavior wasn't acceptable. Then he backed off. But even at that point, we weren't really communicating. We weren't really opening up to each other. In all of this mess, there is also the extended family concerns. I got upset with him in front of his sister. I don't usually get visibly upset, but I was frustrated with him and I just lost it. I apologized to him and his sister. Since then he decided he won't go around my family. He won't talk to them. He won't go to family functions. This isn't the first time this has happened. When my son was younger, he got into an argument with my brother and refused to go around the family for over 2 years. I feel like I'm pulled in two and I feel like I can't share a part of myself with him because he refuses to be a part of it.
So, after all that, we are still together. We communicate as roommates and are civil. I appreciate the company (sometimes). He is a good father. He wants to spend time with our son and he wants to be there for him because his own father wasn't. He's smart and he makes good money (but then, so do I). And I want to get to be with my son every day. But I don't feel like I have a partner. I don't feel like I have any support from him. I feel like I'm putting my life on hold. Every decision I make is intentionally shortsighted because I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for him to leave, I'm waiting for the next temper tantrum. I know I can't change him. And I'm working to change me. I guess my question is, how do I know if its worth it to stay with him? If you'd had a similar experience, what did you do and why?