Better Loved and Lost Than Never At All

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2008
Better Loved and Lost Than Never At All
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 6:26pm

I've known my boyfriend for 7 months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 11:03am

I think it's good that you have access to a therapist & it sounds like you are very aware of your own personal needs & issues.

The one thing that your post reminded me of - is when "love" is used as a drug & can envoke the same high's and low's. You say that your bf loves you a lot etc. - but did it ever occur to you that he may feel the same way & he is getting a certain personal loneliness and sadness filled w/his "obsession" w/you?

I think it's sad that you didn't feel loved as a child & you feel the need to seek it out in other places now. But like you said - you are aware of this & it's something you are working on - so that is a good thing.

Sure - being in "relationships" can be fun, exciting & make the time go quicker ;) But "love" and it's role in your life must be defined by you. I feel that love is something that we must all learn over time to have for ourselves and to see it there first - so that we don't feel so needy of finding it in other places & people. I mean - we all need relationships & people in our lives - but as far as my personal opinion - I think when you use them to give your life meaning or an identity - it can be very dangerous.

As far as you & your bf being different - it's often the opposites that do attract. And you getting your needs met outside of your relationship w/him - w/other friends etc. - what's wrong w/that? That's called life & reality. IMO - you would get bored w/someone who is exactly the same as you - and no one person is going to meet all your needs. Now if the relationship b/w you goes south b/c you began to start to fight over differences or having certain needs met outside of the relationship - than you probably aren't really ready for a relationship or need to be in one.

Hope some of this perspective may have helped? GL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2011
I sure do wish you luck and I am glad you have a therapist. I beg to differ; I am in my 40's and feel like I have met the man of my dreams; but recently although he says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me; he has too may other things in his life right now. At times I think fate can be a cruel thing and at times I wish I never met him. I don't always believe that loving and losing is better than not loving at all. Although we have had some amazing times together, the pain is too much for me to bare. I know we were brought together for some reason. I am in just so much pain and will most likely let him go. My best to you ... hugs ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 07-19-2011 - 12:17pm

Don't you want a guy who is passionate about something OTHER than you...? Someone you can have a conversation with and who really gets you, rather than just worships you from afar? Because that gets really boring. It's nice (for a while) to feel worshipped but it's not something you need in a relationsihp. And you definitely do not NEED this boyfriend. There is such thing as loving someone too much - At that point, it goes beyond love, and becomes desperation. Your boyfriend has more desperation than real love. Real love is not selfish, it is not stifling. You feel stifled by this guy, and for VERY good reasons.

This is not a healthy relationship and it has to end.

I would tell your therapist exactly what you've written here... I imagine she already knows about the emptiness you feel from your childhood, yes?

It's important to find a partner who appreciates us for what we need to be appreciated for. My passion is singing.. I could not live with someone who worshipped me for my looks but couldn't care less about my talent.