for better or for worse, I'm in it now..
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| Thu, 03-10-2005 - 1:23am |
Well ladies and gentlemen, I have re-established contact. Don't jump all over me just yet, here's the deal. I've been doing A LOT of thinking lately--as evidenced by my numerous posts. I've been thinking about what I want and need in my life and how to go about getting those things on my own. As far as intimate relationships go, the ex and I are done. Completely and without question. And that sucks in many ways but, to be honest with myself, it's not the "relationship" that I miss so terribly. In fact, I'm glad all that crap is out of my hair. I was expending so much energy and effort into the damn thing that my other priorities suffered...and when you're trying to finish a master's degree, hold a job and be a nanny that is NOT a good thing. While I may miss the perks of the relationship, I don't need them really. I have a fulfilling life and can do quite fine without those creature comforts.
What I do want, however, is my friend. I'm "okay" with not having him as my BF, but I am not okay with him being out of my life for an unspecified period of time. I want this man in my life as a true friend. I've been struggling so hard with myself because I've been trying to reconcile my selfish love for him (i want you to want me because I'm what's best for you, damnit!) with the unselfish love I have for him (i want what's best for you as you determine it to be, as Erin/doubleblade says). Well, ultimately, the unselfish love wins. I love this man for the person that he is more than I love him for how I "feel" about him. I admire and respect him, what he stands for...who he is. He is, and would be even if we hadn't *had* a relationship, one of the very few and precious people in my life who really...gets into my soul, if that makes sense. I don't "need" him, per se, as I've well discovered over the last 6 weeks. He adds to my life, rather than take away from it. So I decided to talk to him.
Now, all that said, I would like to say that I am not, repeat NOT, embarking on this lightly. I realize that it is *very* early in "the process" and I have to respect my own boundaries more so than ever before. I am ready to start introducing him SLLLOOOOWWWWLLLLLYYYY back into my life. We're talking the tiniest of tiny baby steps here. Establishing our new boundaries and feeling out this new "just friends" territory will take a whole lot of time. So, for now, I'm content with just knowing that I've re-established a connection. I AM NOT ready to see him, or take on full-blown friend status where we chat often and such. I'm still in the process of closing off the "M as boyfriend" files in my head and setting up "M as FRIEND" ones (actually, our little chat tonight helped that process along). Moreover, we've decided that I will be the one to "initiate" any contact for a while, as I want to set the pace and he "doesn't want to crowd me." I don't want to talk to him more than once or twice a month for the time being (which is, actually, about as much as I talk to my other friends b/c I'm so darn busy)...I just wanted to open up the channels of communication.
I think this is the right decision here. While there's always the possibility that I'm not doing the "right thing," unlike all those other times I made huge mistakes in my entanglement with M, I'm actually listening to my heart AND my head. I am actually aware of what I'm doing (whereas before I was acting off of pure, unbridled impulses whose consequences didn't occur to me until WAY later) and listening to the limits that I know I need to place on myself and him in order for me to get comfortable with this new situation.
Feel free to comment, but wish me luck!

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HEre's all you did with "stubborn" - you realized that apply that approach everywhere was netting you more loss than gain....so you adjusted how and when to apply it so that you gained more than lost. That's "trait management" so to speak.
Some people never learn it. they're stubborn and sometimes it works...and sometimes it doesn't...they attribute any loss/failure to "oh well, things happen"...and they continue to be stubborn all the time and sometimes it hurts you, osmetimes it helps you - oh well. They view it as "something they can't change/control."
Ha! They don't have enough self-awareness and respect to understand it - much less reassess and reapply it appropriately...that's what their problem is.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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