BF wants to take a break

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
BF wants to take a break
7
Wed, 08-03-2005 - 10:24pm

Serious BF now wants to take a break-did not say how long-he states he cannot make a commitment to anyone. Dating for 2 yrs, at one point very serious.
I took "a break from everything" when I went through a depressive episode. I still loved him but needed to be alone, get help, get on the right medication, and decide to participate in life again. This had nothing to do w/ him, all about me & my life.
We talked a few times a week, but did not see each other for 6 weeks.

Now he wants a break from me. I will give it to him, I have no choice. Now he is afraid of commitment. How can someone go from being "in love" and wanting to marry to being afraid of relationships?

It does not make any sense to me. Any advice?
Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 7:27pm

No real advice unfortunately as there are so many ways this could go. My DF used the "let's take a break" line to break up with a girlfriend of 4 years (before me, obviously) because "it didn't sound as harsh as 'I want to break up with you.'" But I know another couple who broke up/took a break, saw other people, got back together and married. And I know another couple who is still on "a break" with the guy hanging out with the girl as if they were friends, but clearly not dating. The only one who knows what's going on is him and apparently he's not saying anything more.

As hard as it is, the best thing to do is just keep moving with your life, making plans with friends to do stuff, getting into hobbies, reading that book you'd been meaning to read, etc. This will resolve itself without you stressing about it.

Best of luck and good things are coming!

Pesky.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 9:24am

Thanks Pesky-

Do you think I should set a time limit? It has occurred to me that he may have met someone. He denied this, of course. If that is the case, I would rather have the truth than a lie. I am very honest and admire that quality in other people, even my friends.
Dishonesty is a deal breaker for me. How can I find out?
Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 10:38am
Ahh a break... sounds so familiar! My ex wanted a "break" too, after 3 years! Basically he said he wanted to know if I really was the one or if there could be something better out there... I too thought he was dating someone. Unfortunately if he is, he won't tell you. I only found out through mutual friends (he wasn't). Here's the thing, if he wants a break, he's not sure that he wants to be with you. Do you really want to spend your time pining over someone who isn't sure of how they feel about you? My advice is to ask him what his intention is here, if he just wants some space and says he needs two weeks or so. If he says he doesn't know, he really doesn't and chances are, he's not going to "know" anytime soon. Therefore, I say try to move on. And yes it hurts like hell and you will cry and be angry, but don't talk to him. It will only drag things on. Make sure he knows that you don't need him. Think about it this way, is it worth your time to cry over someone who thinks he can find someone better? You deserve someone who doesn't need to question their feelings for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 6:45pm

I agree with the previous poster (really must start paying attention to names here). There really isn't a way to find out or get the closure you're seeking. If he's broken up with you, he's clearly taken the "soft" way out and is very unlikely to be forthcoming as to why. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and make you cry, be upset, etc. It's much easier to believe that isn't the case with the whole "break" scenario -- that you'll move on with your life before realizing years later when you're happily married that he never came back after that "break."

As for the time limit, I think that's a good idea. But try and be firm with yourself. I'd say a month is about right (total personal opinion). If he hasn't decided to date you by then, move on.

Pesky.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
Sat, 08-06-2005 - 2:08pm

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I think it's probably best to just let him go and treat it as a break up. If he figures out that he really wants to be with you, not even commitment-phobia will be able to keep him away. He knows where to find you, and if he decides you two should "date" again openly or start spending tons of friend time together, try to resist and hold out for someone who not only isn't afraid to commit but won't confuse you and cause you to go through hurt like this.

Good luck - and remember that you are worth a guy who knows he wants to be with you:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sun, 08-07-2005 - 9:21am
Dear myran-
Thanks for responding. You are correct, if he does not know by now, or has changed his feelings for some reason, then we should be apart.
He called me yesterday on my land line phone & then my cell. I never returned the calls.
I cannot be friends with him at this point.
Something similar happened to me after a 8, yes eight year, relationship. It started in college. I would never "date" anyone for that long if I did not want to marry him. And yes we discussed marriage at length. SO this just seems like a repeat of that disaster. Of course I loved the guy from college more at the time.
I am stronger now.
Thanks for the words of advice. I appreciate your support!
Hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 10:32pm

It sounds like you and this guy have been through alot together and I'm sad to see it has to end like this but it sounds to me like the whole commitment thing is just a cop-out....something he can through out there that you can't really dispute...because how can you possibly say he isn't afraid of commitment??
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