big talk tonight? need advice

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Registered: 03-02-2008
big talk tonight? need advice
6
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 10:18am

Sorry to bother you all again... but if you have read my previous posts, you know the situation and I will not go into it all again, so briefly...

My bf and I have lived together for about 3 years. A year and a half ago we moved 3 hours away together. We have a new lease on this apartment that ends in July. In January he started acting weird and saying he was "confused" about his feelings for me. I found out he had met someone else and traced back their beginning to the beginning of the confusion. When confronted, he finally admitted it (after weeks of back and forth) and ultimately "left" me. He has stopped coming home and been working overnight shifts and staying with friends and staying with her...anything not to be here with me. I pay all the bills (he gives me the money for his half from his paychecks on payday) and he has not even come home this past week to give me his share of the money.

When he does pop in or call, he keeps it very "friend-ly," saying that we are better off as friends and I "know that." So, he left me alone for Easter weekend, and finally called this morning. He STILL denied having this other woman! (After he was caught and admitted it previously). FINALLY he admitted that he was with someone else, but he will not say he left me for her. He keeps saying that I didn't really love him that way and we should just stay best friends. I told him if I was financially able to move out of the apt I would because I can not be friends with someone after 5 years together...at least not right away. He said that was being a baby.

So, he said he would be coming home tonight after 10 PM when he gets off work and he would talk with me because he loves me and cares what I have to say; as long as I dont keep him up all night going around in circles. I said what is the point of talking it out if you have another girl. He won't care what I have to say, what I have worked through in the last 3 weeks since the breakup (I have a counselor and very smart friends!), and what I figured out about our relationship, if he has someone else "waiting in the wings." I really believe that what I have to say is true, makes sense, and explains what went wrong in our relationship. I just don't feel that I have a captive audience in someone who is obsessed with another person (phone minutes, texts, and never coming home in the last couple of months since they just met show they are obsessed with each other).

On the other hand, I never got the chance to say anything that I wanted because he never came home, would hang up the phone on me, or would only talk to me when I was in my hometown (3 hrs away)- i.e. when he didnt have to deal with the repercussions of what he is doing. I really do feel like I need to say my piece, but am worried that if it doesn't go the way I want it to, or if it doesn't get received well at all- that I will be doubly hurt.

So, do I write it in a letter? Do I plan what to say? Do I keep to the points without feelings? Do I just say how I feel? (he says I dance around the topic and don't communicate and say what i REALLY want to say.) Do I risk getting hurt again or is this something I need either way to move on?

I would really appreciate everyone's input! Thank you!

Liz

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 11:07am

I think you need to assume that what you have to say is not going to be well received.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 12:10pm

Yeah I kind of figure it will not be well-received - no matter what I talk about or how I say it.

I guess I really don't WANT to move on. I saw things as steadily improving for us and was blindsided by this breakup. I also feel as though he just fell for this girl (he has issues with impulsive and compulsive behaviors) and is all caught up in that instead of focusing on reality and me. I guess I still believe that I can explain to him what is really going on and he will see that we are supposed to work this out. *sigh* =(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 12:55pm

"I told him if I was financially able to move out of the apt I would because I can not be friends with someone after 5 years together...at least not right away. He said that was being a baby"

Is he serious?! What on earth does he think gives him the right to judge how you handle this?

Like Sheri said, I think the talk is a moot point. The quote above just solidifies that he doesn't give a crap about your POV. Can't believe he still says he loves you. *sweat drop*

But if you're deadset on telling him what 'went wrong' in the relationship, I would write down the points you plan on 'discussing' and keep the conversation on track. I'm pretty sure there's going to be a lot of fingerpoint involved and it's best not to lose track of what you want to discuss and that it took two of you to screw things up.

All the best,


- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 1:13pm

Thanks for your support. I know it took both of us to mess up things, but it was HIS FAULT for not trying and HIS FAULT for leaving to be with this crazy girl who calls obsessively and basically pushed him to make a decision to leave me. (I found out later).

Of course, I will not say that in the discussion if it does come about tonight, tho. But, I know I am right. I could not have done anything more, loved him or cared for him anymore, or been anymore understanding of his problems. He dropped the ball.

What I guess I want advice on now is- if he really was pressured by or impressed by this girl who started buying him gifts and doing whatever he wanted, does that mean if it had not happened he would have stayed? I am sure he wouldve...actually, I am sure he would have stayed if I had not confronted him about her while we were still together. He is so compulsive and impulsive about things; I just feel like if he realized his behavior he would realize that this obsessive new interest is just that, and that a 5 yr relationship is worth putting more into than that.

What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 9:40pm

I think it's best summarized in a quote I read somewhere during my break up about one man's 'secret' to his successful 40-50 year marriage

"During the duration of your relationship (and marriage), you will be attracted to other people - perhaps many times. But the key is knowing that the attraction is fleeting, but the woman beside you is forever".

oh and yes, one more funny quote. "A few things to remember before you cheat on a woman - If you get caught, the law is on your wife's side. And if you're not married? YOUR LONG TIME GIRL IS BOUND BY NO LAW"

You can enjoy the rest of it here
http://www.menshealth.com/cda/article.do?site=MensHealth&channel=guy.wisdom&category=life.lessons&conitem=47393d70cfe66010VgnVCM200000cee793cd____&cm_mmc=Yahoo+Blog-_-5+Ways+to+Keep+Your+Man+From+Straying-_-Article

cheers


- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2008
Mon, 03-24-2008 - 9:52pm
haha! SO true! thank you, Susanna!