biggest worst setback to date- devastate

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
biggest worst setback to date- devastate
13
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 11:39am

I was doing great. SO GREAT. stopped crying, started to actually hold on to anger, started to think who the F is he! i posted wednesday that i had sent a very curt, firm letter requesting my stuff in effort to completely cut off all ties. i did. within an hour he returned my stuff. all of it. i felt relief that i no longer had to wait for it. it has been 4 weeks since our breakup. when he returned my stuff i called because it came so close to my email i wanted to know which came first, the stuff or the email. we talked for 45 minutes. friendly, he was even flirting at some points. it didn't even throw me off. i told him in the end i thought he did the right thing. he asked why why why? what did i mean. i didn't entertain it. he also told me he hadn't told his family or some of his friends that we were broken up. i thought it was weird. i realized his issues run so much deeper then i even knew once he said that. (being that he sees them all the time. i asked what does he say when people ask how i am he said he says i am "great"...tell me thats not weird). anyway, i hung up happy i ended on a high note. when i say high note, i mean a note where i was in control of myself. didn't ask to see him, i appeared strong, and i felt it too.


later that night i had a second date with someone. sheri had asked how the dating felt and was going and i said it felt good to just get out. well what happened next i couldn't have predicted. i go with this person to see a movie (he was much cuter then i remembered from the first date), then we went to a really nice dinner. i didn't think he was for me, but he was nice, good company, and seemed like a good person. when dinner was over he asked me back to his place. now here is where i made a horrible mistake. i didn't want to go, but because i am not in the greatest place, i went, hoping that once i started kissing him, etc i would feel some sort of connection. we get to his house, we are kissing, which wasn't so bad, but i wasnt 100% into it. before i know it he is taking my clothes off. i tell him i am not ready for that and i want to stop. he keeps urging me along. i finally say i really don't feel comfortable and i want to stop. he says okay, and asks me to lay down next to him. i think he is being nice, trying to cuddle me to diffuse my discomfort.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 12:18pm

Oh wow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 1:17pm

I am sick on so many levels with myself now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2007
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 1:25pm
Sorry you're going through this, but you need to STOP. It's a new day. Stop the emails, the calls, EVERYTHING. It's a completely natural reaction to feel better about everything once you and your ex had a civil conversation, but have to know there is too much history there and everything is too new to try to pursue any sort of solid friendship. All of this becomes a vicious cycle. The emails will trade back and forth, accomplishing nothing. The way you get your ex to stop thinking bad, stalker things (which isn't fair of him, but that's out of your control) is to just leave him alone. As hard as it is, become the bigger person and don't return any of his calls or emails. There is NOTHING good that can come out of it. Until all of your romantic, angry, relationship-related feelings have subsided (like, months, years) it's almost impossible to have any sort of friendship. You can't control what he thinks of you; you can only control you and your actions. So focus all of your energy into becoming a better person. You don't deserve someone who compares you to a stalker. Screw him.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 1:32pm

Well, beating yourself up about it does ZERO good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 3:45pm

Wow, that guy was nuts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 4:38pm

i guess the topic was easier to discuss with a girlfriend, rather than a guy, let alone my ex!!!!!! i told him it would make him uncomfortable then he said he prefer if it were uncomfortable, i do it over the phone so he could control his emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 4:44pm

::afterall, he isn't even telling his family we broke up.


Oh, boy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 7:08pm

I was date raped, and I know what type of fear you must have felt. It is only natural to seek a safe place, which you thought was your ex. I am sorry he acted that way, but his actions are NOT your fault. You needed comfort and were in a high stress situation,

seachells

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Sat, 01-19-2008 - 7:50pm

I know you feel like you did the worst thing contacting your ex...but you didn't. Don't beat yourself up- instead focus on how very fortunate you are to have been able to get away from this guy before things really escalated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Sun, 01-20-2008 - 1:20am

My jaw dropped when I read that story. I'm so glad you are safe though. I'm really angry your date did that to you.

I'm not even sure what advice to give. I just wanted you to know that you have someone else out there in cyberland who supports you, because I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. Based on the fact that it was your ex who was the first person you turned to, my guess is that you may need a stronger support system in place. And I would recommend counseling in addition to friends and family. My heart goes out to you.

 

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