biggest worst setback to date- devastate
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| Sat, 01-19-2008 - 11:39am |
I was doing great. SO GREAT. stopped crying, started to actually hold on to anger, started to think who the F is he! i posted wednesday that i had sent a very curt, firm letter requesting my stuff in effort to completely cut off all ties. i did. within an hour he returned my stuff. all of it. i felt relief that i no longer had to wait for it. it has been 4 weeks since our breakup. when he returned my stuff i called because it came so close to my email i wanted to know which came first, the stuff or the email. we talked for 45 minutes. friendly, he was even flirting at some points. it didn't even throw me off. i told him in the end i thought he did the right thing. he asked why why why? what did i mean. i didn't entertain it. he also told me he hadn't told his family or some of his friends that we were broken up. i thought it was weird. i realized his issues run so much deeper then i even knew once he said that. (being that he sees them all the time. i asked what does he say when people ask how i am he said he says i am "great"...tell me thats not weird). anyway, i hung up happy i ended on a high note. when i say high note, i mean a note where i was in control of myself. didn't ask to see him, i appeared strong, and i felt it too.
later that night i had a second date with someone. sheri had asked how the dating felt and was going and i said it felt good to just get out. well what happened next i couldn't have predicted. i go with this person to see a movie (he was much cuter then i remembered from the first date), then we went to a really nice dinner. i didn't think he was for me, but he was nice, good company, and seemed like a good person. when dinner was over he asked me back to his place. now here is where i made a horrible mistake. i didn't want to go, but because i am not in the greatest place, i went, hoping that once i started kissing him, etc i would feel some sort of connection. we get to his house, we are kissing, which wasn't so bad, but i wasnt 100% into it. before i know it he is taking my clothes off. i tell him i am not ready for that and i want to stop. he keeps urging me along. i finally say i really don't feel comfortable and i want to stop. he says okay, and asks me to lay down next to him. i think he is being nice, trying to cuddle me to diffuse my discomfort.

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thank you everyone. yes, i actually have a great support system. a great therapist, a great family, great friends, but when it happened, i was so confused, because in my mind, my body is still only supposed to be touched by my ex, as ridiculous as that sounds, and it felt like i needed the comfort of a man, because it was a man that did that to me, if that makes sense.
I am feeling better today,. and so glad i have the support of this board.
as for that guy, he makes me sick, and i am so glad i got out of a bad situation. as for my ex, he makes me sick too. the good thing is, it replaces all the love i had for him, because now i feel like he is such a callous cold stranger and i realize i can never turn to him again.
thank you all. and NEVER go home with someone you don't know well
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